Love Me Harder

chapter 4

*a couple months later*

I could feel myself slip into depression more and more . the urge to cut myself kept persisting and I needed to do it . it's the only way it'll help me . I've read more hate comments and let's just say that I've cried for two days . the girls seemed to care but I shunned them out .

it was all just an act . I know that they don't really like me . they have no concern for me whatsoever . I know that . I know that I'm just a burden to everyone here . I want to talk to Ashlee or Arielle but that wouldn't do me any good . it's not like they can physically comfort me which I need . I just want to be home .

I scrolled through my newsfeed , comments popping every second . I held the razor close to my wrist . each comment making me create a new cut .

who is this Normani Kordei ? is she even in fifth harmony ?

the black girl in fifth harmony sucks . she's not great at all .

her whistle tones sounds like a dying cow .

every time I listen to fifth harmony , I cringe when Normani comes on .

#BeGoneNormani , no one will miss you .

just another black girl that twerks whenever she can . smh , the group doesn't need her .

how did she even get in the group ? why would you put someone as ugly as her on there ?

black bitch think she thick . girl , she just fat . #NoThickness

I could hear the door of the bus open and I quickly bandaged the cuts , hiding it with my bracelets and long sleeves . I looked in the mirror , washing my face to hide that I was crying . I quickly left , unseen by the others . I climbed into bed and hid under my covers . 

the girls always do things without you because you are a burden to them . why would they bring someone that would kill their buzz ? have you ever wondered what goes on in their head ?  you're just a nobody and no one really likes you . Dinah is only pretending to care . she doesn't like you and she never will . don't ever think for one second that she'll love you because she won't . she loves nela and she'll never fall for a girl as hideous as yourself .

I tried to get rid of the thoughts in my head but they just kept coming . I wanted to scream but i couldn't . the girls would just come and pretend that they cared . I'm just a burden to them so if I did die , no one would notice . maybe my family but no one else would care . they would just go on with life like I never existed . I'm the one keeping them from happiness . maybe I should leave the group .

"Normani Kordei Hamilton , get your ass up !" Dinah's loud voice screamed , making me jump .

I took off the blanket and sat up , looking at her .

"what ?" I asked in a harsh whisper .

"you're going to the mall with us so get your ass ready !"

"and if I don't want to ?"

"I'm going to drag your fat ass out that bed !"

I rolled my eyes and went back under the blanket . big ass mistake . this bitch literally ripped the blanket off me and grabbed my legs , pulling me out of bed . with all that happening , I didn't realize my sleeve went up and so did my bracelets , showing my bandaged arms . it wasn't until she spoke up that I realized it .

"you did it again ." she said , with a low growl .

"so what ?" I asked harshly , pulling my sleeve and bracelets down .

"why do you do it ? are you planning to kill yourself ?"

"Maybe I am ! it's not like you guys even fucking care !" I screamed , as Lauren , ally and Camila appeared .

"what ?" she asked taken aback .

"forget it !" I hissed , as I pushed past her and the girls .

I slammed the door of the bus and just walked . I didn't know where I was going but at the moment I don't even care . they can come after me or they don't . I don't care if they did to be honest . they barely talked to me and the only one that would talk was Dinah . why was I even apart of this group ?! it's not like they actually fucking cared about me ! they would hate me if they knew what I dealt with in the past !

I snap out of my thoughts when I felt cool air breeze through my ankles . I looked down and saw that I was at the beach . I sat down on the sand , pulling my legs up to my chest as I wrapped my arms around them . I rested my chin on my knees as I looked out into the ocean . there was barely anyone here but the sunset was mesmerizing . it made me feel better on the inside .

it sucked to be honest . my life sucked ass . when I was little , my mom would go to work and my dad would come home a minute before my mom left . the moment that door closed was the moment I got abused . I was to never tell a soul because if I did , I would get an even worse punishment . when I was in third grade , i got molested by him . every night my mom would tell me goodnight and then my dad would come in . I wanted to tell my mom so bad about this but he made me keep it a secret or else I would get hit . I would go to school so sore and all the kids would push and shove me . I took it because every day I was abused by my dad . someone who I was supposed to look up to as a role model . he is the reason why I'm so broken . when he would hit me , he would scream mean things like how I was ugly , how I was an abomination , how I was too fat . I cried myself to sleep knowing that he did this . even if my sisters were there , he would slap a hand over my mouth and molest me . it got worse when I grew older , when I brought home a guy for a project , he ordered the guy to leave and then proceeded to hit me . he was the reason why I didn't like guys anymore . he made me fear for my life , thinking that guys would do that . any guy that ever tried to come my way , I would snap at them . with masi , he was Dinah's cousin so I had to suck up all my past feelings on guys just to be with him . he never laid a hand on me but I was afraid that maybe one day he'd show his true colors and beat me . all of my scars are because of him , my dad . I feared my dad growing up because just one mistake and I'd get a beating . with everything that was happening with my life , I still managed to make a's . it was hard but I managed . I wished that other sons or daughters never got abused or molested because this isn't cool . I wish the world wasn't so cruel and that it would just be a peaceful earth but no , there had to be monsters . monsters that we call our father , mother , aunt , uncle , anything . people don't deserve this .