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X factor . the reason we became a group .

Simon put us in a group and when I first saw her , I was mesmerized . she was young but she looked beautiful . I didn't know she had such a powerful voice despite her being 15 . every little moment that was spent with her was amazing . I don't think I wanted it to end . we grew as a group but also as individuals . the more I was with her , the more I wanted her to be mine .

the moment I heard that she had a boyfriend , broke my heart . I put on a fake smile and pretended to be happy when I really wasn't . I kept my feelings hidden . how would the girls react to my sexuality ? would they keep ignoring me like they do ? would they actually support me ? going into interviews and the person asking about our relationship , I put on a smile . they ask who is single and who isn't . we didn't raise our hands because we were all taken . it killed me because I was pretending to love a guy that I don't actually like . he had all the wrong parts . then there was Dinah ..

Dinah Jane Hansen ... she is my weakness . everything she asked for , I got for her . I couldn't turn her down because she would do the sad puppy face and her face was so beautiful that I couldn't deny . she is my best friend and I wouldn't want anyone else to replace her . they couldn't . I love her and I always will . I want her to be happy even if it isn't with me although it hurts .

Thomas Hansen had his eyes on me for awhile . he may be my boyfriend but that's only to cover up my hurt that I've been masking . I'm hiding the truth from everyone . I acted like a happy couple with him , knowing deep down that I love his cousin .

how could she love me ? there was nothing lovable about me . I know that half of the fans hate me and they tell me that I can't sing . this was something that I never told the girls . I would just be a burden to them . they don't care much about me . who would ? I can see interviewers stare at me with disgust like I don't deserve to be in the group .

one day , I scrolled through Twitter and Instagram and found a hate page on me . when the girls are out doing something , I would look at them and I tear up . I then proceed to grab my razor that I kept in the bathroom and took out one of the blades . going through my hate page , I pushed the blade into my skin .

Normani should leave and make it fourth harmony . they would be better without her .

she has an ugly nose .

her voice and singing makes me cringe .

she can't really dance . she's a nobody .

who would love a girl that cuts herself ? a girl that can't sing or dance ? a nobody ? no one will ever love me and I should just leave . no one would notice that I'm gone . I'm pretty sure the girls wouldn't notice . I'm not important .

hell , even my dad doesn't care about me . he left my mom after I got in a group . he said that he didn't want to be around because he didn't want to be associated with me . my own father didn't want me in his life . he was the reason I came into this life and now he was gone .

I still had my mom and I was happy about that . she comforted me when I felt like a nothing . she tells me that I shouldn't care what other people think . that I'm amazing in my own way and people are too jealous of my voice . I wish I could believe her but inside , I feel like a nothing . like I don't belong .

sometimes I feel like if I die , no one would care . the girls would keep going and pretend that I was never there . sometimes , I pretend to be sick so that I didn't have to perform because I knew that once I got on stage , people would judge me . sure they would cheer as we came on stage but I know that it wasn't for me . it was for the other four . I could hear them force their cheers when I sang or spoke . I just wanted to cry .

the girls never noticed that I became distant . they were too busy in their own lives to pay attention to me . I just laid in my bunk , listening to music when I didn't feel like being around the girls . at times , they forget that I even exist . we were a group but I apparently don't exist . when they see me , they get so surprised . it's like oh my gosh , who is this girl ? this isn't easy because I don't have the life that I would've wanted . I wish I could be beautiful like the girls . have a strong voice that everyone loves . amazing dance moves that will mesmerize people .

I wish that I could get the girl at the end of the story like a fairytale . I wish that she would fall in love with me . I wish that I could reveal all my secrets to them and they listen . I wish that they didn't forget that I existed . I wish that I would have their attention and not only for the performance . I wished that I was someone that everyone loved . I wish I didn't cut myself because of hate that people give . I just wish that someone see through my facade and make me feel important . I don't want to keep living like this where I don't feel important or special . I want someone to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world and that I'm flawless despite having flaws . if I found that person then I would never stop loving them .

they would remind me every single day in why they love me . they would care for me like I was the only thing that mattered . they would kiss me with passion and make me smile . I just want someone that would love me for me . I didn't have to pretend to be anyone except for me .

I just want to be loved by someone .

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