disclosure [l.h]

epilogue two: dan's letter

after an entire year, the wait is over. I hope you enjoy it.

-

Dear Elizabeth,

By the time my friends have given you this letter, it would be years from now, you would be happy, smiling and now I just ruined it for you.

Sorry.

I don't know how to start this letter than just apologizing and hoping that somewhere in your (still) mad heart you would forgive me for what I've done to you, mom, Melanie and myself.

Mom or dad never told you but all those straight A's and happy letters I got from school weren't exactly what you pictured. Instead of receiving my graduation certificate, I received an application form to retake the semester. I didn't know how to tell you, I did not want to tell you because I knew you looked up to me and I promised myself I would never let you down but I guess I have.

Some people say that failing school or failing college isn't the end of the world, but it was for me. School was all that I had, an education was all that I had but I guess I wasn't deserving of it but it's fine.

My life was bad, Liz. It was terrible. All those results, all those papers, all those voices in my head would haunt me, would wake me up in the middle of the night, it made me lose my sanity. I didn't feel sane anymore.

I wanted to make you proud, I wanted to make mom and dad proud but I couldn't. I couldn't even make myself proud little sis, what was I supposed to do with my life then? I didn't see a future for me. I was stuck, I felt trapped by my own mind. I didn't know how to get out of myself, it was as if I was stuck in quicksand except I couldn't get out, nor was I sinking. I was just existing.

I lost all my friends during my bad time, I don't blame them. I lost my relationship with you, my own little sister and I couldn't forgive myself for it.

You might probably be crying at this point or you might be even madder because someone so close to you couldn't even open up but don't blame yourself. I knew that if I told you or opened up to you, you would try to stop me. You would do anything in your will to stop me and I couldn't let that happen. Hell, I know you'd worry about me all the time even when you need to be and I didn't want to do that to you lil sis, you don't deserve that.

I'll tell you what you do deserve though, you deserve the entire world. You deserve the best parents, the best friends, the best boyfriend or even husband and you deserve the best family. You've done so much for me, Liz. You're the best sister I could ask for (don't tell Melanie) and from my past experience, you're probably sobbing but that's okay. That's how you deal with things anyway.

I don't know what else to write so I will tell you this; I ended my life because I couldn't see a future for myself and I wanted to stop myself before I turn bad.

This isn't your fault. It never was and it never will be and if you think for a second it was or is, my dead ass will come haunt you for the rest of your life.

I love you lil sis, live your life for me.

Love,
Dan, your pimp of a brother.

-

this whole entire story of dan's suicide is a true story, a dear family friend of mine (Dan, in this case) ended his life because he failed some of his final exams, if that doesn't tell you how messed up the pressure of getting good grades are then I don't know what will.

you are amazing, you deserve a life, you deserve the best because papers, certificates and documents do not define you. everybody has a chance to live, whether it's the fullest or to the shortest it is your decision but as an author and a dear friend from me to you, you will go far in life and I wish you all a beautiful and peaceful life.

---

if you ever want to reach out and need someone to talk to, I'm here.
Xo, Intan.