I was a Mistake

Sit With Me

"Edith agrees with me, don't you, pretty? Narwhals are better because they can swim and live in the ocean. Ed loves the ocean so she'll agree with me." I giggled and nodded at Noah.

"Well, that's just not fair! You chose the side Bitty would agree with so you could win. We can't all know each other since pre-k!" Jolie pouted and slammed her hands on the table. I giggled again and reached across the table to pat Jolie on her shoulder.

"Ugh. You guys are so boring! Noah, call me tonight. I've got to tell you something important, baby." Nicole rubbed his arm and kissed his cheek, clearly trying to give my best friend a look down her shirt. Noah turned pink and said he'd try. I threw up in my mouth.

"Ick, Noah. You should go wash your face." Jolie had a disgusted look painted on her face. It showed what I felt.

"I can't get rid of her! She follows me around everywhere. I thought if I came over here to be with my girls, she'd get the hint and leave me alone." Noah put his head on the table dangerously close to his food. I smoothed his hair down so it wouldn't get in his mashed potatoes.

See? He only came so Nicole would leave him alone.

"Can't you just tell the bitch to stop following you around? She obviously makes Bitty uncomfortable," she grumbled. I glared at Jolie. Noah could be with whoever he wanted. Jolie shook her head and harrumphed at me. "Don't look at me like that!"

"She makes you uncomfortable?" Noah lifted his head up from the table and looked at me. "Why didn't I know?"

Jolie picked at her long-sleeve sweater that seemed to have pink cotton balls sewed to it. She looked at me with an "I'm gonna tell him" glance. I kicked her under the table. Jolie cackled at me manically and crowed, "Like that's going to stop me, Bitty!" Then she locked eyes with Noah and leaned forward almost conspiratorial. "Bitty doesn't want you to know she doesn't like Nicole, so she hides it. Your groupie is jealous of her. She's been really rude, and Bitty doesn't like it."

Noah's eyes flashed. I could see his hands clench under the table. I grabbed his hand, squeezing gently. He squeezed back. "Well, that girl should be jealous. I have the most beautiful best friend in the entire world! I'm sorry, Edith, I won't talk to her anymore."

I shook my head fast and scowled at him. I didn't want him to lose a friend, especially not for me.

"She's really annoying anyway." He said it like it was a secret between us three as if the whole school couldn't see how attached she was to him. After that, Jolie and Noah went back to arguing over silly things and speaking about how their days had been so far. I much preferred their relaxed smiles and funny conversations.

When Noah finished his food, he stood up reluctantly. "Coach said to come to him when I finished lunch." He kissed my forehead and left after saying goodbye to Jolie.

Jolie watched after him and playfully growled. "I'd like to do inappropriate things with him, Bitty."

Yeah, you and everyone else in this school. I dipped my head. I knew she did. Everybody wanted Noah. But nobody loved Noah like I did. Nobody knew his weaknesses and his deepest wishes. I was the only one that knew that.

"But he's too busy pining after your ass to pay attention to us lowly peasants! You're too pretty for your own good."

Yeah, right.

I love Jolie because she was never afraid to say what she wanted. I loved her style and her attitude. If I could talk, I think I'd want to be just like her. But I doubt I could ever be as cool as her. "Anyway, come with me to the library? I'm almost finished with this book and need a new one. Plus, the boy that helps in there is absolutely gorgeous! Maybe he'll talk to us. Maybe we can ask him to tell us about a book we've already read just so we can look at his face."

I laughed and followed her. I didn't think my friend would have any issue getting the kid to talk. Who wouldn't want to speak to the elusive Jolie?

❃❃❃

"Eden, your grades are very good and all of your teachers think the world of you. Have you considered joining an organization?" My therapist, Dr. Drena had been talking to me for forty-five minutes and I was ready to leave. I nodded my head. I had thought about joining the art club. I loved drawing and painting, but I didn't want to have to sign up or try to communicate with my classmates. It was always too hard for me to initiate any form of relationship with others.

It was Drena's job to not only help me talk through my traumatic childhood but also make me confident enough to talk back to her. I still had days I was very hard on myself. My brain spewed words at me that I hadn't heard in years, trying to break me, and some days it worked. I'd tried many times over the years to communicate with her, especially when I felt useless and unworthy of love. I knew that I was safe now, that I could talk if I needed to. But I was scared to use my voice. It might not work anymore. I was embarrassed.

Dr. Drena had been my therapist for four years now and we spent most of our time in one-way conversations. Sometimes she would bring up my birth mother and remind me of things that would scare me. She would, then, try to help me work through it. This was a type of therapy, geared to help me overcome my fear and overall help me talk.

At first, Drena would ask me to communicate by pointing or nodding. She then brought in pictures, asking me to communicate that way. When that got old, she started to add situations I was scared of so I could become comfortable with them. She'd tell me how good I was doing or try to show me how much better I was, but I was easily discouraged when I couldn't speak to her.

Play therapy was my favorite activity. She'd give me a form of a game so she could analyze my thinking based on the situation. This was our best form of communication. She helped me understand why I felt the way I did. She said with these therapy sessions, I should talk in no time. But nothing worked. I was just too afraid to talk.

Despite this, Noah wasn't the only one that could understand my needs. My foster parents had learned my body language and sometimes made me feel like they knew me better than I knew myself. But I could tell they wished I could talk, they wanted me to be happy. I desperately wanted to talk, too. I wanted to be able to tell them I loved them back. I wanted to be able to tell Momma how my day at school went, or ask Papa for advice.

When the session came to a close, and I had been able to answer some very hard questions using a pen and paper, I walked out of therapy feeling like I might be getting better. I hoped so. I was tired of being Noah and Jolie's mute friend. I wanted to be able to talk and shout and joke. I wanted to be normal.

❃❃❃

Noah was sitting on the couch with his phone when I made it into the house. He had a big grin on his face. When he saw me, he patted the seat beside him. I got a water from the fridge and sat down. A reality tv show was on, but Noah didn't seem to be watching it. He was completely immersed in his phone, texting. I leaned back on him and looked at his phone screen.

Sophie :) was displayed at the top. I felt a twitch of jealousy. It was unreasonable to think that I was the only one that could make Noah smile like that. I knew Noah had plenty of friends and deserved his happiness. I didn't know a Sophie, but I pretended my curiosity was because I hoped to meet her soon. I watched the tv screen, trying desperately not to be nosy and read what he was texting.

"Guess what?" Noah said as he tapped my thigh. I looked at him.

"I might have a date!"

I felt the slight sting of emotion in the back of my eyes. I had no reason to be jealous. It was unreasonable to feel this way. He was my foster brother after all. I'm sure it was frowned upon to love your foster brother in some places. I plastered a giant smile on my face, hoping he couldn't see that it affected me.

"Her name is Sophia, and get this! She's a senior. A senior, Edith!"

I smiled wider. I put my feelings aside and decided my best friend deserved to be happy. If he wanted to date someone that wasn't me, I had no right to tell him no. Besides, his happiness meant way more to me than my own, and if this made my Noah happy, then I was happy too.

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