I was a Mistake

Family Visits

"I'm here, my babies!" Gram came to the door with three waist-high suitcases surrounding her stout legs. Her blonde, graying hair was situated at her neck and her knit skirt pooled at her ankles. Her round arms were open wide, waiting for us to jump into them. Gabriella and Gabriel leaped into Gram's arms, but I followed Momma's rules and stayed behind until I was approached.

I had slept in my old bedroom with my favorite blanket. The pink walls, comfortable big-girl bed, and the warm comforter made me feel like a princess. It felt just like old times. I was dressed in my old favorite dress. It was big on me, but the pink and purple polka dots still looked very pretty. Momma said I'd be able to sleep in the room until Gram left in two weeks. I hoped Grandma would never leave.

"Well, where's my hug, little lady?" Gram called to me. I looked to Momma for permission, who subtly nodded. I grinned and jumped into my Grandmother's soft arms not worrying about any of my boo-boos.

It felt so amazing to be held again that I didn't let go until Momma pried me off. Grandma claimed I was too skinny and admonished Momma for not feeding me enough. Momma laughed stiffly with Gram but squeezed my shoulders hard as if to say it was my fault I was so little.

Gram claimed the ride "too tiring" as she sunk into the sofa. The twins sat on either side of her and I nestled as close as possible to her legs on the floor. The twins were holding her hands and telling her everything about their experience in school and the neighborhood friends. I wished I knew their neighborhood friends. I had heard them multiple times at the dinner table, but I didn't know what they looked like. Would they be my friends, too?

Gram was very sweet and listened with a smile on her face. I just watched them speaking to each other, my arms wrapped around her big leg, wishing things could really be as normal as my family was making it seem.

"Eden, do you have some interesting things to tell me?" Gram asked.

Uh oh. Mommy watched me closely, her eyebrows raised, trying to remind me not to say a word. I shook my head and looked to the ground. The twins started to giggle and Momma cleared her throat. "Eden doesn't speak much anymore."

I wanted to shake my head and deny it, tell Gram that my family told me not to talk. Gram seemed to sense my discomfort. She scoffed, "Eden? Joy Baby has been our talker since she started talking, always squealing and talking a mile a minute! What happened?"

"The doctor says it's just her growing up. That she's just working through some things. That's why they say she's so skinny. She just won't eat and it breaks my heart."

I looked at her, questioning why she was saying these things about me. She had always said, lying was very bad. Momma hadn't fed me a really big meal in a long time. I hadn't seen a doctor other than my mommy since before Daddy left.

Momma had been working in the kitchen all morning making lunch for Grandma. It smelled so delicious, I wouldn't mind eating the leftovers. The twins hadn't approached me, so I sat with my old baby dolls and brushed their soft hair. I wrapped them up in their blankets and cradled them in my arms like Mommy used to hold me. My back was still pressed against Gram's legs because I loved the way it felt to be next to her.

I felt hands wrap around my waist and almost jumped out of my skin. "Joy baby, it's only me!" Gram coaxed when I curled into myself. I peeked up from my position to see the twins and Momma staring at me like I'd gone crazy. Actually, Momma looked really mad.

Gram pulled me into her lap, where I curled into her neck. She stroked my back. "I like your dress, baby girl. I wish it didn't swallow you though." It didn't sound like Gram was speaking to me. Her voice got higher and Momma turned around when she heard.

I stood up and walked over to Momma, thinking she wouldn't hurt me when Gram was here. I wanted her to hold me like old times and thought, if I was nice, she'd love me again.

I stood up on my tippy-toes and tugged on Mommy's green turtle-neck. She recoiled and looked down at me like she used to do when bugs got in the house. I curled my fingers around my mouth and whispered as quietly as I could, "Mommy, can I help you with lunch?" My throat was scratchy and Momma looked confused and then really angry. "Go sit down right now. I'll deal with you later!"

I scurried back to Gram and curled around her leg. She looked down at me, smiled her sweet smile, and brought me back into her arms, still listening to my brother's story.

When Momma called for us to come to the table, I had fallen asleep in Gram's arms. Momma came over a picked me up. When I stirred and saw she was holding me, I grinned and put my arms around her neck, squeezing. It felt just like old times.

"Ouch, Eden! Don't squeeze me," Mommy admonished me. She deposited me harshly in a chair beside Gabriel and herself.

Momma put a plate of turkey, grapes, and yogurt in front of me. It looked amazing and was my first real plate of food in a long time! I looked around and saw everyone else's turkey and stuffing plate. My stomach growled, eager for food. I ate almost all my food in minutes, not caring if I made a mess. "Heavens! It looks like she hasn't eaten in months!" Gram said in shock. I finally glanced up from my plate to see the twins snickering and Momma's eye twitching.

I sat in my chair looking at the table. I knew that Momma was mad at me because she held my leg in a very tight grip underneath the table.

Gram didn't say anything else until after dinner when she offered to help around the house. "Well that was amazing!" my grandmother spoke to Momma, "I'll clean up while you bathe the little one."

Momma nodded and grabbed my hand. She dragged me into the bathroom for the second time and locked the door behind her. Without any further preamble, she turned around and slapped the back of my head very hard. I lost my footing and almost fell to the ground.

"You are seriously the most idiotic creature on the face of this Earth," she whispered, slapping my bottom.

"First, you jump into her arms like some kind of deprived monkey!" She slapped my leg.

"Then, you find it clever to whisper in my ear when you aren't even supposed to be talking!" She slapped my back.

"Then, you eat like a crazy lunatic. Let's just broadcast you've been sleeping downstairs, huh?" She slapped my face that time.

The tears threatened to spill over. I hadn't cried in a long time and I felt them trying to escape.

"Get in the bathtub. You don't deserve warm water." The water felt really good on my bruises, but it was freezing to the rest of my body. I involuntarily shivered.

"I'm sorry, Mommy." This time Momma ripped me out of the water and slapped me on my mouth, the smack loud, echoing through the bathroom.

"You are not to speak, again! You are to be as mute as I said you are. You eat slowly and you don't attach yourself. Do you hear me?" I nodded quickly and settled back into the water, doing my best not to cry.

When my bath was over, Mom brought in my pajamas. I had a hard time remembering who the character on the front was, but I think he used to be one of my favorites. I hadn't worn a warm pair of pajama's in so long, so I sat down and hugged my body, loving the feel of the fabric on my skin. "Get up, you freak. Grandma is probably waiting for you to be done."

I looked up at her and nodded, placing my hand in hers, trying to find the warm and loving mother I remembered.

Gram was sitting in her spot on the sofa and she grinned when she saw me. My body was hurting because mommy slapped me all over, but I was eager to be next to my grandma so I ignored it and crawled up onto the couch. "What happened to your cheek, darling?" She stroked the place where Momma had hit me.

"Clumsy fell into the corner of the countertop. Didn't you, Sweetie?" Momma called me sweetie. Just like old times. Was she being nice? I nodded big, wanting to show Mommy, I could be nice, too.

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