Broken

| 22 | I'll Go

"How long?!" she yells at me and the tears are falling from her eyes, and I can't even bare to look at her as my own eyes get misty. The silence in the room is deafening. You could hear the slight sound of a persons breath in this room right now. Just complete silence.

"Mom-"

"How. long." she repeats through gritted teeth, trying to keep herself together, and I feel like I've lost my words. Come on Grace. Just speak.

"4 years." I say quietly, and my mother immediately crashes her head in her hands as she lets out the most heartbreaking sounds I've ever heard her make. I've ever heard anyone make.

"Why did you not talk to us?!" she exclaims, and I feel my entire face become slack as the tears stream down my cheeks. I didn't want this to happen, that's why.

"I didn't want you to be upset." I say quietly, and she just looks at me, completely shocked.

Minutes go by with the sound of nothing but dreadful sobs of a mother who just found out her daughter is not ok, and the daughter's sobs cry out because her mother just found out the biggest secret she's been trying to hide.

"You need help." she says as she dries her eyes, but she still sounds unbelievably upset as she gets up from her seat. Her voice is broken, and my dad stays silent as he drifts off into space with tears flying down his cheeks, whispering things to himself like "why didn't I notice?" There was no way he could've noticed. I was careful not to let anyone in. I put up a show. I did that.

"We need to get you to a doctor." she says as she starts to panic and is looking for something, I don't even know what. That's the one thing I refuse to do. I can't go to a doctor. I can't. That place is for people who are suicidal. I'm not suicidal... Am I?

"No, mom. Mom I am not going to a doctor." I tell her, but my voice comes out like I'm begging her to hear me, but that's the thing, I am. I need her to hear my cry for help. I can't go to a place where they treat me like I'm crazy when all I am is just sad.

My dad simply sits at the table with his head in his trembling hands. Someone needs to hear me. Anyone needs to hear me.

"You need help Grace!!" she screams at me, and I feel my whole stomach drop. This is exactly what I didn't want. I never wanted her to know. She was never meant to find out. I knew this would break her heart which was why I never told her. How can you tell your mother something like that?

"Mom! Listen to me!! I stopped cutting." I yell back at her and she looks at me completely horrified by my words. As if to hear them out loud, makes it all the more real.

"Then why in the hell did I find these laying around in your room?! Huh? Why didn't you get rid of them if you were done?" she yells at me as she raises the bag in her hands. Her eyes wild with sadness and complete anxiety. Nothing feels ok. I never wanted this. I feel my chest start to tighten at the realization that I've been caught. My mother knows now. I should have been more careful. I should have thrown out the razors.

"I don't know! It never even occurred to me to get rid of them. I had other stuff on my mind. I quit mom!"

"How can I believe you?!" she exclaims and by now she's so hysterical I don't even recognize her. She looks as if she could break down at any given moment.

I frantically pull up both of my sleeves so they can see my wrists, and I rush up to her so she can see for herself.

"There's no fresh marks!" I say to her, feeling desperate for her to see, but this only seems to do more harm than good.

Her and my father both look at my wrists and the tears fall all over again with both of them. My father slowly steps closer to me and holds my arm in his hands, and I feel like this was the wrong decision. I shouldn't have showed them.

"Grace, there's so many." she says in the most broken voice I have ever heard. I pull my arms back and pull down my sleeves. They don't need to stare for any longer than they should.

"But none of them are fresh. I stopped mom. I stopped!" I say to her, but nothing seems to be getting through to her. She just stares at me with this blank expression on her face as my dad tries to get her to sit down. She won't budge. She's standing with her feet frozen. Not moving an inch.

"Get your things." she says in a lower voice as she goes to get her car keys.

"Mom, what are you talking about?" I ask her, and I feel my entire body start trembling at the thought. I know what's happening. I just can't let it be true.

"Danny, pack her a bag." she says to my father and he heads upstairs without saying a word.

"Mom!" I scream at her, but she continues to ignore me as she frantically searchers for her purse.

Within minutes, my dad comes back downstairs with a bag full of some of my clothes I presume. No, she can't be doing this.

"Grace, I'm taking you to a place where you're going to get better."

"Mom no!! Please!! I'll do anything, I swear!!" I beg her, but she just shakes her head as if she's trying to clear her mind.

"It's not going to be anywhere like a hospital. I'm taking you to a place where there are people going through the same thing as you. You need help, and I don't know how to help you."

"Mom!! I stopped!! I'm fine!!" I beg her, but she's already starting towards the door, but she stops when she hears me speak. She rushes back up to me and holds my face in her hands. Her eyes desperate for me to really see her. To really hear her out.

"How many times have you 'quit' Grace? How many times?" I don't want to answer that. I've tried over and over again, but all attempts seem to fail. It's my addiction, and an addiction is so hard to fight once you've been doing it for years.

"It's never going to end until you get some help. You need help! I need my baby girl to be ok, and I'm scared because I don't know how to help you feel better Grace! I don't know how to help my own child!" she says to me and the look in her eyes breaks me. I did that. I did all of this. I screwed this up for myself. I caused the pain in this room. All of the broken voices and cries for help.

It's all my fault.

"I'll go."

~*~

Ok, so the next few chapters are going to be intense. Prepare yourself!! 👇👇👇