Broken

| 13 | Where Have I Gone?

I walk into school and head straight to my locker expecting him to be standing there, but he's not. No. I rush to put my things away, so I can find him before class. He can't think that I hate him. He just can't. Not after everything. Not after I fell in love with him.

I look through the halls, and it doesn't take me two seconds to see him pressed up against Emma. The same girl he was grinding with at the party. The same girl who broke up with him because she thought he had something with me. He's kissing her. He's kissing her in the most vulgar way you could possibly kiss another human being. Funny how every time I'm looking for him, he's already found what he's looking for.

I turn my head feeling the pain sink deep in my chest. This. This feeling right here. The feeling of wanting to simply disappear is becoming normal when it comes to him. This is a feeling that should not feel normal to any human being at all.

I run away to the girls bathroom, and thank God no one is in here because no one can see me break down like this. I lock myself in the stall, and like a pathetic loser, I cry. I cry like the sorry idiot I am.

Everything hurts. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to move. I feel that pain in my chest and deep in my stomach. Everything hurts.

~*~

Now!

~*~

I walk through the doors of my house and my mom sits in the kitchen reading one of her cooking magazines. It's sad when you can't remember the last time you've had a mother daughter talk with your own mother. The one person who gave birth to you.

I slowly put my things down near the door, and I walk up to my mom and take a seat next to her. She looks up at me, past her wire glasses, and sets them down along with the magazine.

"Mom, I need to talk to you." I say and the words hurt more than they should. It's hard trying to speak when there's a lump growing in your throat, threatening to break through.

"Is everything ok, Grace?" she asks me hesitantly, and that right there is my breaking point. Where have I gone?

What is happening to me? I feel my chest become tighter as the tears fall from my eyes and they just don't stop. It hurts. Everything hurts.

I miss myself. I feel like I truly did lose me when all of this started. I miss the girl who painted her nails pretty colors and did her hair in gorgeous braids. I miss the girl who never stopped smiling. I miss the girl who used to talk to her best friend and her mother because those to were the most important people in her life. I used to play with my sister. I used to call my brother, Josh. Who am I now? I don't even recognize myself anymore.

"No, mommy. I'm not." I say as that lump reaches the surface and then here I am. Balling my eyes out in my kitchen as my mother rushes to my side and holds me in her arms.

The sobs become deeper and I feel myself cave into her chest. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything would be alright. I just wanted someone.

"Baby, it's ok. You're ok. I'm here." she says as she rubs circles around my back. She knows. I think she always knew something was wrong, but she never knew how to approach the daughter who shut down and wouldn't speak. How do you even handle a situation like that?

It's been years since I've hugged my mother like this. Years. All of that time I lost because I couldn't deal with myself anymore.