Broken

| 12 | Not Like That

I walk into school feeling exhausted. I didn't sleep at all last night. I stayed up staring at the ceiling, every once in awhile a couple tears would fall from my eyes, but I wiped them away before the rest could fall. I think I hugged Fred so tight that his stuffing almost came out, and that only made me even more upset, but I'm at school now. School is supposed to be drama free, and that's how I plan to keep it.

I walk up to my locker and sure enough, Tyler is standing there waiting for me. He isn't smiling like he is every morning. He looks exactly the same as I left him yesterday.

I open my locker, and he doesn't speak. He just looks at me, and I would normally feel uncomfortable, but I'm too tired to care this morning.

"Do you need something?" I ask him bitterly as I continue to put my things away.

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Be cold when you know I care about you." My breath stops in my throat as the words fall from his mouth. Does he have to say it like that?

"You only care about me because I'm your charity case." I say, but I don't meet his eyes. I don't want to see him right now.

"Are you kidding me? You are not a damn charity case." he says, all traces of sadness replaced with anger. I slowly look up at him only to find him desperately searching to meet my eyes.

"Yes I am. That's why we became friends right?" I say sarcastically, and I know I should stop because he's getting really angry, but I just can't. I can't shut my stupid mouth up.

He slams my locker shut making me jump, and he steps so close to me that my back is pressed up against the lockers behind us. My heart is racing in my chest as I struggle to breathe.

"I know what you're doing." he says in a deadly whisper that sends chills up my entire body leaving me breathless.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I ask as I feel the panic rising in my chest.

"You try to push people away when things get serious. You push people away because you're afraid of someone actually caring about you."

"I do not."

"You do too. You're terrified of getting hurt again. Am I right?" I feel the panic attack coming fast as my breathing becomes heavier, faster, deeper.

"Well guess what, Grace? I'm not going to hurt you."

"Can't you see that you already have?" I say to him and I feel like I just let go of a deep breath I was holding in. I feel like I let go of feelings I was holding back after saying that simple sentence.

I watch his face go slack, and I push away from him and go to class. I didn't want it to go like that, but that's how it always goes.

~*~

I walk into the cafeteria and take a seat at my table. Lindsey looks at me, worried. Now I feel awful. Now I feel like a dirty person. I shouldn't have snapped at her yesterday. She was being Lindsey. Overly joyful Lindsey. Trying to set me up with the guy I love. Who I screwed things up with too. I am just on a roll lately.

"I'm sorry for getting mad yesterday. I had a lot going on, and I shouldn't have snapped at you." I tell her and she sighs and gives me a small smile.

"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have been such a blabber mouth.... but what did happen yesterday?" she asks me and only now do I meet her eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Tyler was scared to death. He ran back into the cafeteria going on about how you were crying and he didn't know what to do or how to be there for you after what you said. What the hell did you say?"