I'm friends with the monster the side of my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me stop holding your breath
And you think think I'm crazy
Yeah you think I'm crazy
Well that's not fair
I just know I'm in the in between. Because you just know. It's as simple as that. Everything is white. Bright and blinding. I look around. No doors, just white.
The memories come back slowly and then all at once. I remember my mother and then Mariana and school and the asylum and then Jack.
Jack...
I can still faintly feel his hands on me. But then that feeling goes away. And I'm all alone.
"Callie!", I hear. Elise runs my way. She's no longer in her gold siren dress but in a blood red one. Her hair is a darker brown and completely straight.
"I have good news."
My face is completely blank. I show no emotion.
"I talked and pleaded with them and they let me stay with you as long as you choose to live. If you agree to let me stay with you, we can both live."
She smiles at me excited waiting impatiently for me to say something. I just turn to the side.
"And and you don't have to be with Jack. You don't have to feel like I'm not enough because I will be. I promise. I won't be the devil. I'll be your friend."
"No you won't", I say. Firm but calm.
"Excuse me?", she says confused.
"You won't be my friend because you will always be the devil no matter what."
She looks at me confused.
"You don't get it do you?", I say. Now angry.
"You're not real. I have schizophrenia and you are not real. You are nothing but a mental disease in my head. You will never be anything more than that! I'm sick of being labeled as crazy. I cannot live with you. You need to go to hell!"
She looks shocked as the black door of hell appears out of nowhere. I stand my ground, not letting her get any closer to me. She walks with her back to me, to the door. She stops before it and speaks. Her voice is no longer the comforting voice that came through my bedroom window and grew up with me. It's the voice of Carrie and Miss Jackson. The voice of Satan.
"If you want to live, you'll realize that you can't survive without me."
I ignore her and turn away.
I hear the door burn into flames as she steps through. When I turn around I see the remainder of black ashes. They fly above my head and then eventually disappear.
It's so much easier to die than to live. I know that now. Maybe she's right. Maybe if I do live she will just find a way back into my life. That's a chance I really want to take.
But that means I have to fight. I don't know how much strength I have left in me. It would just be so much easier to walk through the golden door to heaven.
The doctor told me if I were to live I had to want to live. And I do. I want to live bad. I want to do everything I can to get there. When my mother visited me she promised me that I were to live. She told me that every day. And I believed her, I still believe her.
But if I've learned anything from Elise, it's that promises cannot predict the future.
But I know one thing is for sure. I can, and I will live!
This isn't the greatest chapter but oh well. My friend did a research project on schizophrenia and she played this song. It's a great example of schizophrenia I think. I hope you guys think so too. Only one more chapter after this. Thanks to everyone who reads this.
