Her Sempiternal (Sequel to Oliver's Smile)

Hold Your Head Up

"Oksar, what am I going to do? I don't even know if I want this baby. I hate myself so much right now. I can't even imagine loving something when I can't even love myself. And what will Oli think?" I whispered. As if to answer, Oskar gave my nose a tiny lick. I couldn't help but to smile. He was the only thing that I could stand to be around right now. Everyone else put me on edge. Even Cassie and Jona. Everyone made me uncomfortable. 

I laid there with Oskar for a while. His soft snores made my eyes get heavy. I coudln't remember the last time I actually slept through the night. But I knew I coulnd't fight sleep any longer. I finaly let myself drift off, hoping that my ever present night mare wouldn't return.

------------------

Arms. Arms wrapped tightly around me. Squeezing me. Crushing me. 

"Help!" I cried as I jumped up. Oskar yelped as he went sailing to the other end of the bed. 

"Brodie!" Ben shouted. I ripped the covers around me and whirrled around to face him. 

"Ben! What the fuck are you doing in here!" I shouted. His face contorted in pain and confusion.

"Brod, it's me," he whispered. I only glared.

"I know who you are! I asked why are you in here!" I said. 

"I came to see if you were okay," he said. 

"I'm fine! Get out!" I said. Ben stoof up from the bed and glared at me. 

"What the hell is your problem, Brodie. You don't say goodbye to either of your best friends, you won't talk to your boyfriend at all, and now you're yelling at me!" he spat. 

"Doesn't anyone get it! I just want to be left alone!" I sceamed. Ben reached forward and grabbed my arm and yanked me forward. I tried to resist, but he only tugged harder. before I knew it, he was hugging me tightly and I was sobbing my eyes out. 

"Brodie, what's going on. You can't keep everyone out, not now. It's only going to make things worse. You need to let us in," he said. He pulled me down to the floor with him. I curled up in his lap and sobbed heavly.

"I feel aweful. I don't even want to live anymore Ben. I feel like the dirtiest human being ever, like I'll never be clean again. Every time some one touches me, I just feel repulsed. I feel like an abomination to human beings. And no one gets it. Everyone wants to hold me and hug me and tell me it's okay, but it's really not. No one gets it. And I don't know what to do, or how to tell anyone that. So I'm shutting everyone out. It's easier," I sobbed. Ben hugged me tighter, much to my discontent. 

"Brodie, you can't do that. You need us. And we need you to communicate with us. Shutting us out won't help at all. You should know that," he said. He stroked my hair softly. 

"Ben, I'm pregnant," I wishpered. I heard him gasp slightly. He pulled my face up to look at him.

"Brodie- you're-" 

"Pregnant," I said agian. He sat in silence for a few seconds. Then, carefully, he reached down and placed his hands on my stomach.

"Pregnant," he whispered. A faint smile creeped across his face. 

"It's not a good thing Ben," I snapped. He rolled his eyes.

"How could it not be a good thing? There is a little you growing inside there," he said. His eyes sparkled with delight.

"Ben, I don't want it. I can't even love myself anymore. How am I supposed to love this thing?" I said. I pushed myself off his lap and walked over to the window seat. I plopped down and rested my head in my hand as I gazed out the window. I heard Ben get up and cross the room. His arm crept back around me as he pulled me back into his chest. I found myself a little more relaxed. 

"Is it Oli's?" he whispered. I nodded. "Well then what's the problem?" he asked. I sighed heavily.

"I hate myself. How can I love something that comes from me?" I whispered.

"Because it's from you and Oli. I know you still love Oli. I can see it all over you. So you have nothing to worry about. Oli still loves you too. He doesn't blame you for what happened. I know he loves you very much, and he's going to love this baby too," Ben said. I only sobbed harder. "Look, I know things are rough right now. But you need to look past this. Things will get better, I promise. I know things are bad, but they will get better. I promise," he said. 

"If you say so, Ben," I said. 

"I do, Brod," he said. 

"Can you do something for me at least?" I asked him quietly. 

"What's that?"

"Don't tell Oli about the baby,"