Silent Beast | ✓

chapter three .réflexiones.

-+- reflections -+-

I hate him and I love him,

every push away is a notion un-thought.

Every pull is a meaning to our silence;

look around at where we are,

it's reality.

Spending a few weeks with Adam and making little kids smile became a part of me and I knew it'd stay that way. It's been a few weeks after our library dance and every time I'm around Adam, it's that queasy feeling I get, something I couldn't get rid of. Every thought, every moment with him sent a rollercoaster ride through my stomach. And it was then I realized, for the times he was hurting, disguising it with a smile, I cared about him. My well-wishes were with him, praying that he'd be alright. If he would just let me inside his heart, I would understand the pain that he's in. I just wanted to be there for him.

Working in the Pediatric Cancer Center was something I never thought of doing. Every kid there believed in a fairytale, hoping that they'd be living on. They crossed their fingers, puckered their lips, and made wishes that were unpredictable.

It was a summery day in July, but it was a day of scorching heat where you could see the mirage ahead of you on the black roads. Grimacing at the bright red sunburn that was on my bicep, I pushed the little kid along in her wheelchair. We were walking around outside among the beautiful mess of flowers which grew in perfect groups; there were sunflowers and right to those were some peonies which had a sign in front them, "My shortness is my tallness." All around, there were small, handwritten quotes that stood boldly amongst the colorful flowers.

Another volunteer walked up to me and nodded as they took ahold of the wheelchair of the girl I was pushing. Smiling at the little girl, I waved and turned back around to walk into the building.

Suddenly, I was met with a wall of blackness. Ouch, I thought, rubbing my nose which took a hit. I peered up to find myself staring into blue eyes. Ah, Adam. Of course. I glared up at him and poked him the chest, making an emphasis to the fact that his chest was too hard. He smiled, deepening two dimples at the sides of his face. Giggling, I poked at the wells of happiness. He pulled away and seemed uncomfortable with the closeness. A little hurt, I tried to keep smiling. I wanted to tell him so much, but we weren't close enough yet. I couldn't rush it. Blinking at him, once, twice. I walked away from him with a sigh; I thought I was ready to put myself out there, but I couldn't think about any of this at the moment.

A rough grip grabbed my arm and turned me around. The sun shone across the little pond beside, but the only thing that seemed to glimmer was the buzz of the garden around me and ruining it was Adam. He held a steady grip and seemed to be pleading me with his eyes, but I wanted to leave, get out of this place. He handed me a slip of paper:

I'm a mess

I know.

But you can guess

it's a story for tomorrow.

What is this supposed to mean? I sent him a questioning look, frustrated with the mess I'm in. I've been constantly pushed away from every action I make to get close to him. He refuses to be open with me; it's as if he isn't comfortable around me. I slowly fold the paper and take a hold of his hand. Guiding him to the nearby pond, I lean against the railing and point at our reflections.

This was who we were, two people in the mess of this world. We could never be recognized for what we have learned and known, but we have to learn to appreciate it. This is reality. He entered my life and swept me off my feet into a world of mystery and the unknown. Why didn't I guess it was a mess? I never questioned anything, I never pried at his history. But I have to now, I'm falling for him. I was falling for who he truly was, behind this wall he's built for himself.

I pulled out my pen from my pocket and scribbled onto the folded paper:

Look at where we are

This is where it all begins

Every painful moment is a scar

But moments with you mean everything

to me.

His eyes skimmed the paper and he gazed into my eyes with hope. I couldn't help but look away. I was facing someone who sent butterflies through my stomach, but also made my heartache every moment spent apart. Above all, I felt like I was being played with. I didn't want this in my life. His actions seem friendly, but they seem to be more than that and I'm scared. This was my fear. Falling in love with Adam.

I picked up a small pebble next to my foot and threw it into the water. The ripples from the pebbles, made our reflections quiver. The reflections got closer and I got pulled closer. I could feel my heart pounding hard; I fear he would hear it. If he heard it though, my secret would be no more. Placing my small palm on his defined cheekbone, I let my lips linger on his cheek like a dewdrop on a rose petal.

Five, four, three, two, one.

I push him away, shaking at what I've done. I'm living my nightmare. His pupils seem to dilate and the nerve at his forehead seemed to be more distinct than ever. The dark brown hair of his seemed to wisp around his head, creating a sort of beastly feature to him. Chest rising, palms sweating, I run away. I run away from my realization; he was the beast, my deadly fear.

Unfortunately, I didn't stay long enough to hear a voice crack for the first time in two years.