Poems

"I Don't Need Love"

I don't think it ever stops. The hurt just stays through your life. And you try burying the pain under layers of dirt and rubble.

And you try to forget what love feels like while every bone is trying to remind you. Remind you what it feels like to be held in arms. Arms safer than confiding your secrets to only yourself because no one can spill the unspoken phrase of your mind. Reminding you what it sounds like when the smallest bones in your body, the ones in your ears, are quivering in the wake of your name rolling off their tongue.

And you lie to your mind, about how you don't need love. How if you somehow found yourself in love it wouldn't last because you don't understand how to love another human being without suffocating them or neglecting them. Because they will find some one else. Because you stopped being the person they fell in love with, even when you feel unweathered by life's constant storm. Because sometimes love isn't enough. Love has never claimed to be a savior.

And you carve the idea of not needing love into your heart. You swear reading all those books, watching all those movies that contained people falling and staying in love were unreal. No matter how well written, all of them end up overly sweet and gives you cavities. And absorbing them at such a young age-and never stopping since-has ruined your chance in ever wanting a love this world could provide. Love doesn't seem real. Not when it's never happened to you. You are magic gifted. There was no indestructible power given to you at birth. You were not awarded with wittiness, beauty, brains, and strength. You flee from conflict because you don't want to fight. You are a coward. You are no main character. You're not even a secondary character or love interest. You are you. And this is your life. Your life to be without love, even when you were actively seeking it. So you have up and prayed love never comes and find you. Hopefully this game of hide and seek would never end because you no longer want to be found.

You try to forget to acknowledge the ache in your body as you force your lips to recite the words "I don't need love." You deprive your body of touch. Of physical contact because it makes you weak. It opens holes in your armor. And you've spent so long building walls you don't knew how to put down the cement and pick up the sledge hammer.

Because if you don't love someone, you have nothing to lose. Ah, but isn't it so lovely to have something to lose. Something worth living for. And I ask the universe the endless question of "Will love be my construction or my destruction?"

And I firmly believe that it never stops. The hurt just stays through your life. And you try burying the pain under layers of dirt and rubble. And sometimes, no matter how deep you've dug, an earthquake can manage to shake the earth in just a way to reveal everything you've tried hard to forget. And sometimes you'll burry carbon, and end up with a diamond.