Tourist Trap

Chapter 4

"Heisenberg's Uncertainty Shoppe?" Zeke repeated. "What, I suppose you specialize in nuclear physics or quantum mechanics or something like that?" 

"Well, not as such, but I suppose it's always possible. Truth is, you never know exactly what you're going to get here. Hence the term, Uncertainty Shoppe."  

"Wait a minute," Zeke rubbed his temples in confusion. "Let me get this straight. You don't know what you're selling?" 

"Nope," Ernie replied. "Haven't got a clue. I don't know what any of this stuff is or what it does. And to make matters worse my stock seems to have a nasty habit of changing randomly. One day an item will be here and the next day it'll be gone and something else will turn up in its place. Taking inventory's a real nightmare and it makes the accounting department have fits, I'll tell you that." 

"I'm sorry," Zeke said. "What exactly is the point of this store?" 

"Who knows?" Ernie shrugged. 

"Well, then why does it exist?" 

"Why does the sun shine? Why does the grass grow? Why are you and I alive and having this conversation right now? It exists because it does. Of course, knowing the nature of this store I wouldn't be terribly surprised if it just randomly blinked out of existence one of these days. You never really know what's going to happen." 

"Does anybody ever actually shop here?" 

"Hmm. Well, the two of you are in here, so I would have to say yes." 

"This place is crazy," Zeke mumbled. "It's like the opposite of a convenience store.  Welcome to the world's first inconvenience store.  Come on, Sarah. Let's get out of here. We can get a shirt back at the tourist bureau." 

"Hold on a minute. I think I found something in this box over here." Sarah had been browsing around while Zeke and Ernie were conversing. She held up a dark blue Hawaiian shirt with white palm tree imprints. "This is perfect. How much do you want for it?" 

Ernie pranced over and considered it carefully. "Hmm. Let's say three strands of floss. Sound good?" 

"Deal," she said and peeled off the floss. "All right, let's head on back to the jail." 

"Thank you for shopping at Heisenberg's Uncertainty Shoppe," Ernie purred cheerfully. "Be sure to tell all your friends about us. Oh yeah, and good luck getting out of here. You thought the entrance was uncertain, I haven't seen the exit in three weeks."

* * *

Unbeknownst to Sarah, the shirt she had purchased was actually Prince Grover from the distant planet Orf. He had been unceremoniously transformed into a Hawaiian shirt and banished into the cosmos after being caught playing foosball naked with the court magician's daughter. Somehow he had turned up in Heisenberg's Uncertainty Shoppe and there he remained, biding his time, waiting for somebody to buy him and wear him so he could begin taking the necessary steps that would break his curse and allow him to return to the planet Orf.  

"Excellent," he thought to himself. "It's only a matter of time now."

* * *

After a spot of difficulty Sarah discovered the exit hidden behind a snow cone dispenser in the corner of the store. They made their way outside and headed back to the jail. As they walked in the warden looked up gruffly at them. "Yes? How can I help you?" 

"Don't you remember us?" Sarah asked. "We were just here twenty minutes ago." 

The warden eyed them suspiciously. "Never seen you before in my life. And I should know. I have a memory like an elephant. Especially for faces. I never forget faces."