Forgotten Bliss [BoyxBoy]

Forgotten Bliss ~ Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

"I hate him." I said. I didn't know if Ashley heard. "I hate him for leaving me here."

"Kevin..."

"You don't understand." I shook my head. I refused to let the tears fall.

"I do." I turned to look at her. In the moment I had forgotten that she had lost her mom when we were eighteen. Was it the same though? Was losing a family member, your mother, the same as losing the life of your life? Your soulmate?

"I really don't think you do," was all I said before I turned around and walked away from her.

I walked to the front of the church and sat in the front pew next to Ashton. He didn't say anything, just took my hand in his tiny one. I leaned down and kissed him on the top of his head before looking to the front.

Tommy's coffin was beautiful. A solid oak with gold detail on the side. Ironically, Tommy himself picked it out. The owner of the store looked at us oddly when Tommy specified that the coffin was in fact for him.

We decided to have an open casket for the duration of the service. I, of course, refused to go up there. I didn't want to see Tommy like this. I didn't want to believe that it was real, and seeing him lying there, would certainly assure me of that.

Once everyone was seated the pastor began speaking. We stood for a prayer and a hymn and I was tempted to remain seated. Call it stubbornness or denial. It wasn't like I gave a fuck anymore.

"Thomas Jacobs was a man that we all knew and loved. It's a sad affair to be holding a funeral for him at such a young age but The Lord takes and gives. It is important to remember," And I could have sworn that the pastor's eyes drifted in my direction for a fleeting second before he continued. "that God never gives us more than we can carry. We all have our burdens and with time, our wounds will heal."

I narrowed my eyes at him, but let his comment go. I didn't need divine intervention right now. Divine intervention took Tommy away from me.

A few more people came up to talk about Tommy and I stayed in my seat holding onto Ashton's hand for dear life.

"Thomas helped me so much...."

"He never thought bad about others..."

"He was an amazing father..."

"...always in our hearts."

"Thomas Jacobs, gone but never forgotten."

The organ signalled the end of the service and I left Ashton with Ashley so that I could take a breath of fresh air. As I neared the doors, my footsteps quickened. I made my way around the side of the church and leaned against the wall. The air was chill and every breath exhale was joined with little puffs.

I brought my coat closer to my body and shivered. I had to get back inside. I needed to get to Ashton. Ashton. Fuck. What was I going to do? What the fuck was I going to do. I hated Tommy so damn much. How dare he leave me like this?

"We're getting ready to leave." I turned to see Chad standing next to me. I hadn't heard him approach.

I sniffed and nodded. "Where's Ashton?"

"With Ash." We remained silent for a moment. "Kev, I know this can't be easy for you. I can't possibly imagine how much you're hurting right now, the anger you feel, but you need to put on a brave face. If not for yourself, then do it for Ashton. He needs you now more than ever. You're his parent now and he's going to be looking to you for guidance."

I stared at Chad for a second before going back into the church. He was right. I wouldn't admit it to his face but he was right. I found Ashton sitting in one of the pews, feet dangling in midair. He looked so small, so young.

"You good to go?" I asked.

He looked up at me. "Kev?"

"Yea buddy?" I knelt down beside him and took his gloves out of his pocket to put on his hands.

"We're going to stay together right?" I stopped my movements, slightly taken aback at the question.

"Yes, of course. Why wouldn't we?"

"Grandma said that I was going to live with them." I furrowed my brows in confusion. "I don't want to go live with them, Kev. I want to stay in our house with you."

"You are buddy. You're going to stay with me. We're family okay? No one's going to take you away." I hugged him and held his hand as we walked out to the car.

The cemetery wasn't too far from the church, but given the weather, everyone decided to drive. I felt like the snow was just the universe's way of showing how life was unfair. Tommy hated the snow, couldn't stand it but he bore it because Ashton loved it. We took small steps to the burial site and watched at the coffin was lowered into the ground. Ashton moved forward, and I caught him, saving him from nearly falling in. He took something out of his pocket and I gasped when I saw that it was the action figure I gave him when we first met. He looked back at me and I nodded.

He knelt down and the pastor wanted to stop him but Chad shook his head and said it was okay. "You can keep him, daddy. Now you'll be protected too."

Mrs. Jacobs sniffed loudly and leaned into her husband. Ashton got up and hugged me. His tears didn't fall. I told him that it was okay, that people cried for many things and in this case, it was good to let go. He said he refused to cry because he didn't want to let go of his dad. It was times like those that I thought I needed him more than he needed me.

Chad was having a gathering at his house afterwards but I decided not to go. It was bad enough being stared at during the service and at the site. I couldn't bear being around them where they'd feel comfortable speaking their minds. I didn't want Ashton to have to hear the things they said.

After much hushed arguing, Ashton and I finally ended up at home. We changed into our pyjamas and drank hot chocolate with a few too many mini marshmallows and sat on the sofa with our legs folded. I was glad that this would continue. Tommy used to call it our Cozy Time. After a rough day, we'd change into pyjamas- no matter the time of day and relax on the sofa. Our drinks changed depending on the season but it was now tradition for us.

I tried not to think about the argument I had with Mrs. Jacobs about Ashton after the funeral. She had wanted him to go with them to Chad's but Ashton had already been feeling under the weather and he'd said goodbye to his dad. He needed to process things. He was smart for his age and knew what was going on. He was firm in his refusal to go with them. I didn't want to feel like I was stealing him away from his family, but the looks that woman gave Ashton sometimes...I didn't trust her at all.

It wasn't long before Ashton was resting against the back of the sofa with his mouth slightly part and sleeping soundly. I carried him to his room and tucked him in. I left the door ajar in case he needed me and cleared up the living room before making my way to our bedroom.

The room felt cold and empty. Tommy's presence was still everywhere but it was noticeable that he wasn't here, that he wasn't coming back. I threw back the covers and climbed into the bed. I reached over to turn the nightlight off when something caught my eye.

It was a photo of us on graduation day. Tommy had his arm around my shoulders and was kissing my cheek. I was laughing and trying to push him off. Ash had taken the picture while we were in the moment. There was no pretense. I turned the photo around and saw the words written in Tommy's loopy handwriting.

Yours, now and forever.

I love you

I held the photo to my chest and felt tears streaming down my face. I tried to be strong today, and the days leading up to today. I tried to be strong for Ashton because I thought that losing a parent was worse than losing the love of your life. He needed me and I refused to break down.

Right now, sitting along in near darkness, holding this photo in my hand, I couldn't hold back anymore. I was tired of fighting. In that moment I didn't hate him for leaving. Not a bit. I just wanted him back.