suicide notes 「 jungkook 」

∥ XIV. SAVIOR ∥

hwahwa-unnie: wAiT WhAt?¿!¡

hwahwa-unnie: I jUsT cHOkEd

hwahwa-unnie: THE KOOL AID I WAS DRINKING IS NOW E V E R Y W H E R E

hwahwa-unnie: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN WHAT?! AND WHY ARE YOU SAYING IT LIKE ITS A BAD THING?!?! DONT YOU LIKE HIM?!?!

miniminnie-yah: it was just on the cheek; don't freak out too much haha. and, ne, i like him it's just... i don't think we should be together.

hwahwa-unnie: aaawww .-. why not? he must like you, too....

miniminnie-yah: it's complicated. he has a lot going on right now. he needs to focus on his music. idk.

I purposely left out the fact that he may still be suicidal, and that I was worried I wouldn't be able to save him. That wasn't my business to be telling people.

hwahwa-unnie: hm... well then you might be right. it might be best to wait for a bit before you get into anything with him. and later on if you still feel something for him you can be together when things are easier. but just don't wait too long to make your feelings known; you might miss your chance or he may find another girl. and you should at least know if he feels the same for you or not so you don't end up regretting never asking. why don't you talk to him about it?

The thought of him "finding another girl" had never once crossed my mind, but now that it was put in my head, I felt my heart start to sting along with my eyes. I knew I couldn't be in a relationship with him while he was still like this, but the thought of him with anyone else made my world feel like it was crumbling. How could I ever deal with something like that, when I was falling for him so hard, so fast?

I vigorously wiped away a stray tear before it could fall before quickly replying.

miniminnie-yah: you're right but... it's so hard to even talk to him casually now that i've realized i like him and we can't be more than friends. and every time we're together, I can feel myself falling for him even more. i don't want to be selfish but i really like him at the same time and i just don't know what to do.

hwahwa-unnie: minnie, you're a smart girl. you'll figure it out. just do what feels right in your heart. and if you don't end up together, that's okay. you don't need a man in your life. you're strong enough on your own.

miniminnie-yah: yeah....

But the thing was, I didn't know if she was right about that.

I didn't know if I was strong enough to live without him.

✍

I stared at my phone as I stood on the roof of the apartment building, wind gently flowing through my hair and filling my senses with the fragrances of nature. It was the mid-afternoon and I'd grown tired of everyone asking me if I was okay, why I couldn't seem to smile at anything like I usually could, so I came up here so I could think things over in peace.

I stared at the phone in my hand. The only messages I'd gotten were from my friends asking if I wanted to hang out, and then later asking me why I wasn't replying to them. I couldn't bring myself to say anything to them. I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to make everyone else miserable, too.