Back Then (An LGBT Story)

13. Their separation

A week passed slowly, the once hot air of the town was replaced by a moist thickness which seemed to suffocate anyone who passed through it. At least to Seth and Taylor, that's how it felt.
Until the day that Seth had been dreading came around.
Family members, friends and old work colleagues of Mark Martins all stood around one another, in their black suits, dresses and depressed faces, as a silent breeze brushed passed Seth's ankles. He shivered, glancing down at the ground, seeing the grass waving in the wind, the dew causing it to stick to his shoes every so often. His mind was empty. The young university student had no idea what to think or how to react to his father's passing.

As he had guessed, the heart attack had apparently been caused by high levels of alcohol intake, and Sarah had confirmed to the boys a little while later that Mark's drinking habits had gotten quite a lot worse since Seth had left to attend university.
Hearing such words made Seth feel terrible. He regretted yelling at his dad in the hospital that one time, he regretted not going to see him at all afterwards and he regretted not being in contact with his parents a lot more beforehand.

Of course, after seeing how close he was to her son, Sarah had decided that it was best to invite Taylor.
Taylor had considered objection when he first heard the news of his 'invitation'. He hated the thought of attending the funeral of a man that he'd never met before, in the presence of a woman who doesn't even know that he's dating her son. Taylor wasn't even sure if Seth's parents knew that Seth was gay.
But such thoughts were what eventually caused him to change his mind. Perhaps he could speak to Sarah about his and Seth's relationship, this was if she had the time and was accepting of homosexuality.

The boys stood side-by-side in the churchyard, away from everybody else there, after Taylor had offered Seth some time alone with him. He had agreed and stated that he needed as such.
Taylor found a low stone wall underneath a large tree which cast a shadow, somehow darker than the atmosphere around them.

"Listen," Taylor began, "I didn't know your dad but-"

"Oh, don't try to stick up for him Taylor." Seth interrupted him, an angry tone to his voice. "Face reality. This wouldn't have happened if he'd only controlled his drinking habits. In essence, he did this to himself."

"Okay..." Taylor couldn't deny that he was stunned at what Seth had just said, "but I'm sure he-"

"I said stop."

"Alright, fine." Taylor took a deep breath out and just stared on straight ahead. He and Seth avoided eye contact for a little while as they both sat in absolute silence.

"Maybe we should go and pay our respects." Taylor pointed over his shoulder to where the deceased man had been buried.

"Screw it." Seth said back, not looking at Taylor.

"What?"

"I'm not going to. My dad's dead, that's all there is to it. He drank himself to death and that doesn't deserve respect at all!"

"Well, what do you want to do then?"

"Oh for god sake Taylor!" Seth sighed heavily, "can you stop?"

"Stop what?"

"Acting like the world revolves around me. Didn't you have something else you could be doing today?"

"No, not really."

"Yes you did! I saw all the unfinished work on your desk. Face it Taylor, you've forgotten about yourself since we got together. Everything has to be okay for me, but do you even consider yourself anymore?"

"That's a stupid thing to say," Taylor tried to laugh it off, but felt extremely bad. He had tried to make as much time for Seth as possible, but in the process, he truly had forgotten about a lot of his own needs, "I'm alright with all of this."

"Tell me the truth!" Seth yelled, standing up. He wanted so badly to stop yelling, calm down and be able to cry whilst being cradled in Taylor's arms, like he used to.
But he couldn't.

"Yes, I've sacrificed a lot for you, and maybe I regret not voicing any objections!" Taylor also stood up, now yelling down at Seth.

They both just stood there, glaring, each second feeling like it was killing a part of their heart. A glance deep enough into their eyes would bare the meaning of a thousand words, words that explained that they never wanted to ever fight like this, words that explained that they didn't know how to stop. But they couldn't seem to see that in each other.

Eventually, Seth turned away, taking a deep breath in through his nose, bringing his hand up to his face to cover his mouth.
Taylor just watched him, a look of sadness spread across his face.

"Seth-"

"Just go."

Taylor thought it best to do just that, so he turned around and took one step forwards, but then stopped to turn around again. Seth had turned his head slightly to glance over his shoulder.

"Is this it then?" Taylor asked, "are we done?"

Seth shook his head slowly.
"We're not breaking up. We're just on break, I guess."

Taylor nodded, exhaling through his nose heavily.
"Alright then." He then turned and began walking away, but this time, he didn't look back.
Seth waited until he couldn't hear Taylor's footsteps before moving, walking in the direction of his mother, Sarah and all of the other guests.
Meanwhile, Taylor leant against his car in the parking lot, thinking over what had happened, what he had said. He regretted it.
All the tall blonde could do was mentally scold himself.

As Taylor found himself back at his university dorm later that night, he found that Seth hadn't returned, making Taylor wonder if he would be returning at all. The very thought of it made him dizzy, but as he took a seat on the closest bed-Seth's bed-he began to feel a strange tugging sensation in his chest and a stinging behind his eyes.
Oh no, he thought. No, I've done so well!
Tears began to fall, his breathing quickened, his heart rate increased and his limbs became shaky.
After such a long time, Taylor had forgotten how painful this was. The pain of his heart drumming against the inside of his rib cage . The pain in his eyes as he wiped them dry too hastily, on top of the emotional and mental damage that he was undergoing.
Taylor, after so long, couldn't cope anymore. The love of his life was god-knows-where, he'd been the one to make things worse between them and there's was nothing he could do. Something told him that an apology wouldn't quite work, and there was no way of returning Seth's dad either.
There was no way.
He gave up and stopped fighting.
Taylor lay down on his side, clutching the duvet, upon which Seth's scent still lingered. He let out his tears and shaky breaths as he broke down.

Taylor was having his first panic attack in years.

***

"Will you be okay here?" Sarah sat beside her son on the bed of a cheap hotel room.

"Yeah. It's just for a day or two." He smiled, slightly.

"Okay. Well I'll always be here if you feel like you should come home."

"Look mom, I can't go home with you, it'll feel too strange, and things between me and Taylor are awkward at best. I just need some time alone here."

"Okay sweetheart," Sarah leaned over and planted a kiss on Seth's forehead, "I love you." She stood up and headed towards the door.
But, even after she had left, Seth remained still. He just sat. Sat and thought.

Thought about Taylor...