Two Reflections (Alren)

Chapter 22

To say that I am broken it's true. I'm torn apart; but it's not even a drama anymore. Or not the kind of drama where you lock yourself up and forget about the world.

Emptiness might be the most appropriate word to describe the feeling inside my chest. I'm totally numb; I just don't feel anything anymore.

Has it ever happen to you that you break just when you need to be up the most? Perfect timing. Of course, everything in my life is so fucking perfect.

I've been holding it back forever; I was sad inside, something in me wasn't working properly ever since I was a teen. Of course I was so good at hiding it; or maybe I didn't matter enough for anyone to notice. Not even to my family.

It is easier to think that I'm just a problematic kid, right? That I have anger issues and much more fucked up stuff. I was just a teenager with a bad attitude. Like if I chose to be like that, right?

I'm a baddass, I'm arrogant, I'm rude, I'm even a slut if you want to say so. I won't even deny any of those. Furthermore I've always embraced those terms when it came to describe me.

But what really bothers me, what really hurts is, why anybody would never stop and think why I was like that? Nobody purposely chooses to be that way.

For me they were labels that I was given. I don't even know when this whole thing exactly started. I just know that whenever it was, no matter what I would do from that moment on, that I still be judged and call one of those words.

I was always looked as some kid that needed to be fixed, instead of some kid that just needed help.

Truth is I've always been extremely sensitive; and I had a way of thinking really different from anyone else's. I will always go steps ahead from kids my age sometimes even from adults. So whenever I felt something was unfair and I felt misunderstood I just was shut down. I had to deal with holding all this anger and pain inside of me.

Then people still ask why I act how I act. Once you're labeled you can do no right. So what can you do? I figured that If I they were gonna see me as the baddass, the troubled kid, even when I tried to change, then I should stick to that; and even more, step up my game. I would be that, but ten times more. That was my revenge towards this unfair world. It wasn't a sweet revenge though.

I run away from home. I had a chance to start fresh in somewhere new; but guess what? I had scars all inside me; even I have wounds that are still open. So I couldn't rip off of me those labels. It is just so difficult to break down with what you've been use to all your life.

I came to LA. First thing I really knew is that this annoyingly positive girl is my roommate; Happy Dwarf. Then Happy Dwarf turned out to be a church girl; just what I needed I thought back then.

And though I said it sarcastically it wasn't far from the truth. Indeed Ally was what I needed. This past four months had been amazing. I thought I had found where I belonged in; with her.

She gives me live every time she smiles. She's just this little ball of Sunshine that can bright up even the darkest place. Sure she did; she has brightened the darkest place I've ever came across; my heart.

Whenever I was with her it was such a whole new thing for me. Ally out of all the people in this world was the first one to not judge me; she understood me; she loved me unconditionally despite me being, just me.

She woke up in me feelings I thought were dead, feelings I thought I could never have back. Being around her makes me feel like I'm a child again. An innocent child, a child that holds hope and believes happiness does exist. She was the reason for that hope.

Ally made me fall for her madly. It's a feeling I just can't dismiss like if it's nothing. It has been my reason to be this past months; my escape to the cruelty of this world; my hope; my chance to be someone new and to finally love myself.

I love her like I never did with no one before. I thought I was incapable of loving. I thought I was so damaged that I just couldn't love; till she appeared in my life. I will never forget her. No matter how old I get, no matter where I end up. Ally is a part of me now; she'll be forever tattooed in my heart.

Without even knowing it Ally became my salvation; my last chance.

What happens when your last chance in life just banishes? Emptiness; grief; numbness.

There's something that broke when she said those words to me, something that could never be fixed. My hope; my pride; myself love.

How did I do so wrong to turn the most beautiful thing in the world to think that about me? Why I just break and destroy everything I touch?

I know it is better for Ally to stay away from me. She deserves much better than me; but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell; cause it does.

What is my motive anymore? Why am I living for?

I am a fuckgirl and that's all she would ever see in me.

I, being as lucky as I've been my whole live, have to deal with all of this in the middle of an important week at college. We have showcases to perform in front of talent scouts.

How am I supposed to do this when I barely get some sleep? How am I supposed to go there and convince everybody of what I am capable of, when I just don't believe in myself anymore?

How is it supposed my voice to come out when I just get 3-4 hours of sleep a day? I can barely stand in my feet. Everything is blurry for me. I don't even know what day it is anymore. I just felt deep; and worst thing is I don't even know if I will ever be able to stand up.

How do you go on when the worst have already happened?

I don't know. I just stand up every day like a zombie. I eat just a little; it's not like if I'm hungry anyway. I get myself ready but there's no any make up in the world that could cover what's going on inside my mind.

Grief; pain; numbness;

Emptiness.

~Hey, there!

There's no much to say about this one. As you probably figured out this is such a personal chapter.

When you write that kind of deep stuff you are using a character's POV in this case Lauren's but obviously there's a little piece of you in it.

I'm sorry if you guys expected something different. I just wrote what I felt.

I would rather write about something happier but I feel if I can express those feelings I should. Pain is something we should talk about cause no matter how hard we try, it is always there.

Now I know for sure that the next would be the last one; even if it's a 2 part one.

 I would work to have it soon.

Love y'all!