You hungry love? | One Direction Fanfiction

Chapter 13

Edited

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Ashleigh's P.O.V

Dinner went relatively well following my speech, surprisingly. I ate what I could, which admittedly was not a lot but it was definitely more than I would have had if it was just up to me. The lack of control is something I'm trying hard not to think about. Ultimately I know that the boys will have to tour, leaving me here where I can do as I wish. Every time I think about it I feel guilty. I'm wasting Louis' time but I have to remind myself that I've tried to back out of whatever the hell this is so many times and he isn't for having it. What Louis doesn't know wont hurt him so if when he leaves maybe I eat a little less or 'forget' breakfast now and then, so what?

The other thing that I'm trying not to think about is the fact I'm considering even eating at all once Louis' gone. He's getting in my head and I know it but I cant bring myself to care. There's just something about him that's makes me want to do anything to avoid upsetting him. He just doesn't deserve it. And maybe a little tiny, tiny part of me wants to get better for him. I still cant see the fuss, I'm overweight and on a diet as are many people in the world.

I leave my thoughts and walk to the kitchen, joining the boys in clearing up. I start loading the dishwasher when I hear the door open and my heart jumps a little. I feel a comforting hand on my lower back and I know immediately who it belongs to, looking up to find Louis already looking straight at me.

"It's going to be fine" He mouths at me as I load the last plate into the dishwasher. Harry appears at the doorway of the kitchen, leaning round only half his body in view. He's wearing a beanie and his hair is sweaty and sticking to his forehead.

"Ash, could we talk?" Harry says timidly. The tension in the room is think and I can feel everyone's eyes on me.

"Sure" I reply trying not to breakdown into tears. I know I've hurt Harry, a lot. I hate confrontation and I don't want to fight, especially not with him.

"Should we uh, go for a walk?" Harry asks quietly, shooting quick glances to the boys who made no effort to at least pretend like they weren't listening. I guess he's looking for somewhere more... private.

"Uh yeah, lets go" I reply, grabbing my hoodie off the back of the door on my way out. Harry leads towards the front door, opening it and moving back allowing me to go through. I shoot a final look towards Louis who just nods at me in approval. 'It's going to be fine' I repeat in my head.

"Sorry if I'm sweaty, I was running" Harry mumbles as we walk down the corridor towards the lift. I nod, his matted hair making sense now.

"Look I'm really sorry" We both say at the same time and I cant help but laugh. Harry stares at me for a few moments before joining in.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Harry" I say, shaking my head as the laughter comes to a natural end. "We both know why everything that happened, happened. And that's me. I should have been honest from the start. Fuck I should never have done... it. And I'm annoying myself even apologising because all I do is fuck shit up, apologise, make a promise that lets face it I cant keep, and then... Then I let people down. It's not fair Harry." I feel tears filling my eyes as I speak.

"Yes but you're not a bad person Ashleigh. You're not doing things to upset anyone deliberately. You need help and you're not getting it. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth. I'm sorry for acting the way I did earlier but I wasn't upset with you. Louis told me what you said and I can promise I sure as hell don't hate you
If anything I was angry at myself, at the world. You need help Ashleigh. This can't continue, what you're doing is dangerous." Harry's voice is stern and I almost feel like a child. I'm not stupid. Maybe we might disagree over what counts as an 'issue' with food but I know hurting myself is a problem. I can't hide from it. I can't pretend it doesn't exost. It's exists and I'm reminded of that every time I look at my arms. I know the risks but when I have nothing else those are risks that I'm prepared to take.

"I know" I reply quietly.

"You know?" Harry asks almost in disbelief.

"I know self harm is wrong Harry. I know it's an issue." I stop taking a few breaths before I get guts for what I'm about to admit. "I know I need help."

Authors Note:
I just found out that YHL is ranked #2 in eating disorders. We also hit 7K reads. Thank you all so so so much you mean the world to me and please know that ultimately as much as this book is something for you to read and enjoy and get lost in, even though it's a little heavy at times, that there is a point and that point is mental health awareness!! There IS help out there. Get it, talk, reach out, there is someone. I'm always here.

I love you all,
B x