You hungry love? | One Direction Fanfiction

Chapter 20

Ashleigh's POV

After an eventful morning I needed some time to myself. Louis and the boys left  me for a while when I chilled in the room scrolling through social media, trying not to worry. Considering all the thoughts that had been racing through my head the past few days I actually felt pretty chill. Louis had done a good job reassuring me and I felt better knowing that he knew the idea of "us" was just a cover and nothing more. An unbelievable cover, but a cover none the less.

The boys had left it up to me to decide what happened today with Alyssia. Part of me wanted to not step over the door, chill here and be in my safe space but I just couldn't shake the guilt. Alyssia deserved a good day and I'm not going to let my anxiety get in the way of it.

After a mild stress and eventually venting to Louis we decided together we would go to the theme park. It didn't involve any formal sit down meals and was a good way for Alyssia to get to know the boys in a fun, casual environment.

I texted Alyssia as soon as Louis and I had decided. She was going to meet us at the boys suite so we could travel together.

I jumped in for a shower, washed my hair and tried to freshen up as best I could. When I came back to Louis room I was faced with the decision, what to wear?

I barely have any clothes here as it is. I raid through the tops I do have, pretty aimlessly as I know I will not be happy in anything I wear. I pull out a top I can only describe as the best of a bad bunch and pull it over my head without a second thought. I'm immediately overwhelmed. I feel like the top is clinging to me, highlighting every inch of fat and curve on my body. It makes me feel claustrophobic and I begin to sweat. I look hideous. Panic waves over me.

I pull open the doors to Louis wardrobe. I rummage through, looking for the biggest, loosest thing I can find. I eventually grab a plain back hoodie. It's not great. Louis is already smaller than me, but it's the biggest thing he has and it clings to me less than my own tops. I didn't even realise how much weight I had put on. I've been so caught up in everything, what an idiot. I've been eating non stop since I got here of course my clothes aren't going to fit anymore. I feel the tears pricking my eyes but I don't have it in my to cry anymore today. If I started, I don't know if I'd ever stop.

I close my eyes, refusing to look at myself anymore. Without thinking, I grab the door handle and force myself into the living room. If I don't go now, I'll never go.

It's only Louis who is there sitting on the couch, the boys still getting ready in their rooms. He looks up from his phone as he hears me. He raises his eyebrows in confusion.

"Are you blind?" He asks bemused. My stomach drops.

"What? I- Should I change... I-" I stutter, struggling to get the words out.

"Ashleigh have you looked out the window" he laughs gently "it's roasting you'll be sweating after 10 seconds in tha-... is that my jumper"

"Oh yeah sorry I should of asked first. I'm so sorry I'll take it off I don't know what I was thinking- "

"No! No it's fine don't be daft it looks good.. you look good. It's just it's like 20 degrees, you'll be uncomfortable, we'll be walking a lot"

My stomach drops and I can feel my pulse quickening. Time to have no dignity once again.

"It's just... I don't have anything else" I mumble quietly. How embarrassing.

"What are you talking about, you have loads of clothes in there" Louis replies, nodding to his room.

"Yeah well apparently they don't fit anymore"

"I don't believe that"

"There's nothing to believe, they don't fit. It's a fact."

"Ashleigh, they never fit you to begin with" Louis says. My heart sinks. He's not wrong, it just hurts to hear.

"No no no! Not like that, they never fit you, as in they were always to big. Far far too big, there's no way they're now too tight"

"Yeah well they are Louis, just let it go okay, I'll be fine in this." Embarrassed is now an understatement. Imagine telling a member of one direction that your clothes no longer fit. I wish I had better self control.

"Let me see"  Louis says.

"What? No" I reply.

"Please. You know I'll be honest with you. If they don't fit you can wear my jumper, as I said, it looks good on you. Really good."

"Louuiisss"

"Pretty please" he says with the biggest puppy dog eyes. But I cannot walk here when my clothes look the way they do. He'll be disgusted.

"Ash, cmon. You know we're closer than that. You can do this, please." He persists.

"Give me 5 minutes" I say as I walk back into the room closing the door behind me. I stare at my top on the floor, small tight and ugly.

Hesitantly I pull Louis jumper over my head, placing it on the bed behind me.

I pick the top up in my hands, staring at intensely. My thoughts are running wild, one voice telling me to run a mile, burn the top, never look or thinking about it again. But the other voice. The other voice says don't let Louis down. Don't be a disappointment again. Don't be weak, you're always weak.

With every bit of strength in my body, and without giving myself the chance to hesitate, I pull the top over my head.

Like I no longer have control over my body, my hand reaches out to the door handle and I feel my feet carrying me to the living room. I am unable to stop my hands from placing themselves in front of my stomach in a weak attempt to hide the size of myself.

Louis looks up at me like before, but this time... this time his eyes are shiny and he has a soft, subtle smile gracing his face.

"What" I say rudely, simply self conscious and uncomfortable.

He laughs gently. "Ashleigh, you look gorgeous."

I scoff.

"Seriously, what you feel isn't you bulging out your clothes or them highlight your every flaw. It's you beginning to actually fill your clothes, it's you developing a shape. And frankly you look beautiful, but then again you always have"

authors note:
Hahahab I'm so sorry I feel like this Alyssia thing has been coming for ages but I PROMISE we will meet her again in the next chapter, I don't know why I've dragged this out so much 🤣 character development ya know.

Anyway hope you're all well. Haven't spoken much over the last year. The pandemic has affected my life in so many ways that writing has taken a back seat. But I hope you are all well, staying safe, healthy and happy.

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