Superman Stole My Panties

Top Story

“Superman’s Real Identity!”

The black, bold letters stared up at me from the paper. It was the top story of the day. Underneath the title was a picture of a middle-aged man covering the middle of the page.  He stood wearing a black suit that came to a stop at the top of his neck. His face was exposed to the world. It was a little on the chubby side. A thin mustache decorated his upper lip. His eyes were squinting as he grinned proudly, nearly hidden underneath thick dark eyebrows. He stood in a heroic pose as if looking over the town bravely.

                In pure curiosity, my eyes moved to the article blow.

                “Last Thursday at approximately 8:45 in the evening, the Man with the Green Slash stepped forward and announced his real identity. John Walker Junior has been a citizen of Pleasantville for nearly all of his life. He says in a brief interview we managed to snag that he, “couldn’t stand to see how rife the town had become with crime.” He needed to do something to help. Walker had trained to become a police officer and was familiar with many tactics to stop criminals. Once the costume was constructed, he braved it out as the Man with the Green Slash, the hero we have come to know and love.

                “’I was skeptic of Walker until we saw for ourselves. The similarities in appearance alone are uncanny.’ Says local citizen, Alexandra Moore, who witnessed our hero’s reveal, “But in action… it was crazy! It’s nice to have a name for our town’s savior now.’

                “Moore, along with twenty-five others, was a part of the memorable moment when Walker tore away his mask to…” To be continued on page B2.

                I flipped through the pages frantically until I found B2. My eyes scanned until I found the continuation of the front page article I had been reading.

                “…reveal his real face. Many were shocked by his age, but his agility was amazing. Children of all ages flocked around the not-so-mysterious hero in appreciation for what he has down for our town. While movies may depict revealing identities as a bad thing, it seems that our citizens don’t mind one bit at all.”

                My eyes scanned the paper for any more on the topic, but nothing came up. A frowned exposed itself onto my face as I set the newspaper down on the desk and looked up at Karen. An eager expression lit up her face as she awaited my response.

                I chose silence for a few moments.

                “Well…” She prompted eagerly, “What do you think?”

                “It’s a fraud.”

                She faltered, “What?”

                “Fraud, fake, not real.” I clarified.

                How could it be real? By the small glimpse of skin I had seen of the town’s real hero, it was evident he didn’t have any facial hair. His skin was taut and smooth, only what someone of youth could achieve. The elderly man could in no way accomplish some of the feats I had seen the real masked man accomplish already. But despite all this evidence, there was the fact that I was still in possession of the Man with the Green Slash’s mask. I had taken up the liberty to keeping it on me at all times. I knew he hadn’t gotten it back yet.

                “No, it’s legit. There were witnesses!” She argued uselessly.

                I shook my head, “I was there when he saved me in McDonald’s.” And all the other times… “He was definitely younger.”