Before Killing Was Cool ➊ FRERARD

25: Guilt Tripping Mikey Way

"I'm not accusing you," she says calmly, "the Wentz family are. Remember we had this discussion about wealth and influence?" Yes, he remembers. This is America and it will always be this unfair. "They might not bail their son out of jail for the sake of their own image and pockets, but also because they are happy to leave him in there and let him blab about whatever he wants to reduce his sentence - and they will side with him against you, the stranger in his bed, always."

"What do you mean they won't bail him out? I saw the money," Mikey is quick to counter.

"Pete's parents have outright refused to get involved in this stage. Whatever you saw, it wasn't intended for bailing him out." Alicia's tone is resolute. It only adds to the confusion of everything. What the hell was that for in the file cabinet, then? Why was it labelled with Pete's name? He ignores that issue for now and continues with his hysterical prattling.

"It was Frank," Mikey freaks, feeling a rising hatred for everyone apart from himself, "and I get it, you can't do anything about that—"

"Those parents are grieving, Mikey! And no matter what, to learn that you did indeed harass Frank Iero - because you're not denying it - is a huge deal to them, one that they don't take kindly. And the breaking and entering! I thought you knew better by now. So it's just us against the world."

The cogs in his brain stop functioning then at the mention of 'us'. So she's on his side. That's good; the world can be crashing and burning around them, and it is, as long as she doesn't believe Pete's lies. As long as he has one player on Team Mikey, someone rooting for him for once in his miserable life.

"Pete's trial has been set for this month," Alicia declares, "you will be the primary witness. They'll bring up images of the abuse and ask you questions about his involvement with the shooting. We have to prepare you for that, and for whatever accusations will be thrown your way too."

"I can't do this," Mikey wheezes, reminded of when the two of them first met and he said the exact same thing - that he couldn't and wouldn't talk to her about any of it. He did, and look where it got him.

"You love him," Alicia says and it's no question. She sees right through him because he's that weak and easy to read. He just nods. "Like I've always said, I know this will be hard on you. We'll get a good team behind you, a good lawyer. You were also a minor on the date of the shooting and that will bode well for your case."

"I don't want a case," he refuses, "I don't want any of this." Stupid, reckless boy. He's gone off the deep end and destroyed the happiness from his own life and so many others'.

"There is an alternative that gets you out of this." At those words, Mikey's head snaps up. "You plead to go to a mental health institution."

"A crazy house?" he cries.

God, he might be delusional inside his own head sometimes but none of his actions have been due to any diagnosed mental health issues or dangerous personality traits. How can anyone call his impressionable young mind clinically insane?

"No, of course not! It's just therapy, really, and you have free accommodation. It's obvious to anyone you're struggling with these negative feelings," she soothes and he huffs a sigh of disbelief, "and if they can prove that on a few tests, you'll get treatment for no more than four months."

'Negative feelings'. Now she really is turning into his shrink. She knows of how down he's been in the past but he's trying to turn a new leaf, right? He might be blinded by love for Pete but that can change, especially with what he's heard today.

"No," he grits out.

"Aren't you listening? It's this or court!" She starts to get worried that he won't make the right decision. "You know what they do to guys like you in prison?"

"Prison? Who said anything about prison?" He starts to really panic. "They're silly charges. You don't believe Pete, I know you don't. And the breaking and entering thing was a tiny dent in a car crash of illegal things that have been happening around here this year. I'll find a way out of this. Sure, there's security footage at the school of the bullying but - but who cares? It was Frank and they'll blame it on him and—"

"And then what? I'm trying to help you, Michael," she stresses his name and he flinches, "but I don't think you realise how serious this is. Need I show you the tape to prove that you bullied a kid who murdered five people?"

That's a nail in the coffin for Mikey. He can't help but scream back at her, and he rarely so much as raises his voice. This might be the longest conversation they've ever shared but it ends here. She's supposed to help him. His true feelings make themselves known.

"STOP IT!" He cries out. "I didn't lay a FINGER on Frank, ever! This isn't my fault! I don't think you realise how serious I'M being when I say NO! I COULD CARE LESS IF I FACE THE DEATH SENTENCE! I JUST WANT GERARD BACK!"

"WELL, YOU CAN'T GET HIM BACK!" Alicia screams, also getting to her feet and jabbing a finger in his direction. "BECAUSE HE'S DEAD, GODDAMN IT!"

Mikey crumbles to the ground disbelievingly, burying his face in his knees, not realising his cheeks were stained with tears of frustration. Gerard can't be dead. He's seen the news broadcasts, how everyone's saying that he is, but...

This is it. This whole time, this is what he's been putting off: the floodgate opens and it all comes sinking in. For so long he's been in denial about his brother but after eight months and what's being reported, it has to be true. Maybe it's not love for Pete that was holding him together, but rather false hope. Brotherly affection. He just misses him so much and he's never been allowed to even think about it, never had a moment to contemplate the hole in his heart where his brother should be.

He tried to fill in with sex, with alcohol. Dizzy nights out, roasting marshmallows over fires, tripping himself on sidewalks, ignoring his parents and caring for a goldfish that ended up dying like everyone else. He's let himself been taken advantage of in a countless amount of ways. It doesn't matter about how empathetic Patrick's been, how patient Alicia is or how good a kisser his boyfriend can be. At the end of the day, he wants his brother. He loves his brother, and it's the most sure thing he's ever dealt with. The one exception to his mad, reeling emotions.

And they call him dead. They pronounce him gone, like all the good things in his life.

"But - but he's all that I h-have," he chokes out and starts to sob.