Before Killing Was Cool ➊ FRERARD

20: Lima Syndrome

C h a p t e r | T w e n t y

Present Day - Frank

We fall in love in November, in what I would typically expect to be a bitter chill, fewer daylight hours and a second layer of blankets on the bed. But we're south now, a small hideaway, but not enclosed like the cold shelter of forests or skyscrapers would usually provide. The dirt road out front is still warm to the touch like wheels have spun on it.

Being eighteen, I realise, means I don't have to be a helpless kid anymore. I make my own decisions and I don't need anyone - not even my parents - to guide me, so visiting their shared grave to rant about my problems becomes less of a rational option.

I make the journey all the way up the coast myself, still not prepared to take Gerard with me. One day, soon. I'm scared enough a motorist will recognise me alone, never mind with my captive. We must make a famous duo by now, the school shooter who lived and took someone off into the sunset with him like a dark knight, never to be recognised in public again. The tragedies who got away. I shouldn't be so bold and thoughtless, reckless enough to make this journey a second time.

Yet here I am, again, probably only because I was out of town buying Gerard a phone and thought to take the very, very long way as an excuse, but nevertheless, I'm sat opposite the familiar cracked stone smoking a Red. And I have one last thing to say, one important note that's taken me all the way across states.

"I met this boy," I start quietly, "and at first I hated him because I thought he was like the rest - just another kid from high-school who thought I was a worthless piece of crap. So I put up my walls and didn't let him see how hurt I was... I never intended on him knocking those walls down but it turns out he's not like anybody else. Mom, you always said I'd find someone who loved me no matter what I did. Well, I've committed a fair share of sins, and I've hurt him worse than I've hurt anyone, but somehow this boy still loves me.

"You wouldn't believe the evil I've committed. You wouldn't even call me your son if you were alive to see it, especially after how you met your ends. I thought I was beyond redemption - Ray seems to still think that too, at least. I made mistakes, I'll admit. But I'm trying to change for this boy, to let him bring out the goodness in me that was there before I grew up too fast, before I lost you and my humanity. Before anyone picked on the shy kid with a vendetta. I was capable of love back then, I just didn't know it yet and I needed time to bloom, to figure it all out. I think I've sussed it now.

"Dad, you'd like him a lot too. He's got an amazing voice like you did, and he's an artist too. I didn't even know I was gay but I should've known from the moment I laid eyes on him that this is it - this is my downward spiral into a chasm I can't get out of, into this pit of feelings I've never had before. He'd do anything for me and I'm starting to understand what that means: that this is real, and there are good people in the world who aren't just out to hurt me. He makes me feel, I don't know what, but it's enough. It's more than enough. The idea of harming him again makes me sick, and he's more important to me than the world itself. I think I'm in love with him.

"Everything about him makes me weak. He's forgiving, understanding, he's beautiful; he's all I've ever wanted. I was convinced I couldn't feel this way about anyone, not even you, but he's proved me wrong. You were right, mom... I've found the one I would die for." I smile and swipe my thumb across the stone to clear the dust off their names before heading back to the car.

That's all I needed to tell them. I don't know if they're out there somewhere, watching over me or if what Pete said was right: there's nothing after we die. In any case, it brings me comfort to think of it that way, to envision them as a light in my life, guiding me away from damnation. No matter what, my parents would want to be there for me. I can't blame anyone but myself for my sins and it's up to me to make my peace with the Earth, but hell if I can't believe there's something out there willing to help me.