Welcome to 'A Writer's Desk Critiques' - a Wattpad based help desk offering constructive critiques for your stories.
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Hello! I've been on Wattpad for about four years now, and have been writing for even longer. At the moment I'm working on smaller projects and working on starting a larger novel. In my critiques I will focus on whatever you want me to focus on, but my strengths are plot, character, flow, dialogue, and grammar. I'm not the best at descriptive scenes. I'm excited to work with you!
Genres she won't critique:
ChickLit, FanFiction, Non-Fiction, Paranormal, Poetry, Romance, Spiritual, Vampire and Werewolf
Her Critiquing Preferences:
✔ She is open to critiquing chapters, LGBT+ stories and Mature stories that are rated so because of violence.
✘ She is not open to critiquing Erotica as well as blurbs.
✔ She will only critique a maximum of five chapters of one story.
✘ She won't critique your latest chapter(s) and will only start critiquing from the first chapter/prologue itself.
Her sample critiques:
Chapter Critique Sample:
First of all, I love the opening to the chapter! People always say that they think having a dream for the first chapter is a bad idea, but in your case I think it works very well. I absolutely loved the buildup to the kiss, and the slow realization that something was wrong. I did not see the fish coming!
There are a few technical, nit picky things that I think will make your story flow better. When using dialogue, you have to end each statement with punctuation, i.e. "Yes Fiona, it is indeed me." I'd suggest you look up grammar rules for dialogue because people are used to reading dialogue with punctuation, and not having that interrupts your flow. I was also a bit confused to when you said that she doesn't wear makeup, yet she puts on mascara? Maybe clear that up a bit? Secondly, the sudden tense change in the last paragraph, which was a little jarring. Making it consistent would make it flow better!
Onto the more abstract things -- the whole piece was a lot of action after action after action, and no reactions. This made it seem rushed, and everything's happening but we don't know how she's feeling, which makes her seem distant and for me to be unable to connect with her. I like her reaction to waking up to the fish, and if you could write a reaction to every action like that, it would be great! For example, how is she feeling as she puts on her clothes? What does today mean to her? Secondly, you have a lot of telling instead of showing. Instead of saying "I was genuinely happy to see him," which creates distance between the reader and the character, show us her smile, her tight hug. This makes it seem more intimate, like we're right there with her. Another good place to do this is when she receives her presents. You tell us how she feels about all of them, so we accept them. But if you show us a smile or her reaction, then we make our own interpretations and our own meanings. Again, that huge paragraph telling about her ex made me want to skim a little, and isn't very easy on the eyes. Thirdly, I personally find the main character a bit annoying. I only have her words to go off of, and they seem to come from a bratty teenager. If that's what you're going for, great! For my impression of her, her reaction to possibly becoming Lora and Dean's legal guardian is realistic -- signing with no care about how her future might change, what responsibilities she would have to take on. Giving more context to what's going on in her mind, as well as reactions of people around her, would place the reader on her side a little more. I would also say that the presents scene was a little too fast. The rapid fire of people who gave presents is a little dizzying, and we still don't know enough or even have met the people to care about them. Also, are any of the presents important to the story, as in plot or character? Focusing on a few that are important in developing the story or character would tighten your prose and make it flow better. I would also say that the ending paragraph was a little rushed and sudden. Realistically, most people experience a "slowing down of time" when in situations like that, and drawing the scene out would make it create a bigger punch.
I love the casual voice you have developed here -- it really does shine through! To wrap this up: fixing the grammar of the dialogue, more reactions and feelings, more showing, tighter prose, and possibly lengthening the last scene. Good luck:)
Her payment:
For chapter critiques:
One 4+ line comment(or two 2+ line comments) on one of her books. If you can, include something that you think can be improved.
Additional rules/details:
For her payment, please don't write a generic comment along the lines of "this is amazing" or "this is terrible" without explaining why in detail.
If you have a Google Doc of your work, feel free to PM her and ask for her email id to share the doc on. Working on Google Docs lets her go more in depth because she can comment directly on the document.
Please note: The critic will only critique the chapter(s) you have already published on Wattpad, even if you wish to receive the critic on Google Docs, in order to avoid any plagiarism related complications.
Client feedback in the comments section below.
IMPORTANT: Forms are to be posted on the 'Request Critic Jasmine' page, not here. Also, if you're requesting on a weekday, kindly check for her current status in the comments on her Request page.
