brain cancer fic》jerrie version

e i g h t

(a time jump??????????????????????????????????)

Christmas is a red day. Jade's heart is in her throat the entire fifteen minutes it takes to get Perrie to respond to her, thinking about how she's so used to Perrie crawling all over her and squealing, "It's Christmas, it's Christmas, Jade, come on, get up!"

Perrie is so weak, is the thing, and Jade wonders if their endeavors (dirty ones :)) the previous night tired her out even more. Probably. Her stomach is in knots the entire time, as he makes the Facetime call to Debbie, who unfortunately cannot make it due to the dreadful snow pileup but promise she'll be by to visit before New Year's. Please hurry, Jade thinks but doesn't say anything. Perrie can barely say anything, either, and her younger cousins don't understand this which just makes them talk faster, more overexcited and Perrie looks so overwhelmed Jade thinks she might cry.

They spend their Christmas day lying on the couch, watching more Christmas specials. Perrie sleeps through most of them. Jade sings Christmas tunes to her all afternoon, but she knows most of them are lost on Perrie, who drifts in and out of consciousness every half hour or so.

Jade is a little disappointed - well, she's a lot disappointed, actually, but she doesn't want to admit it to herself because frankly, it sounds a bit selfish.

She just wished their last Christmas together would be happier, is all.

Last year, they spent New Year's Eve drunk off their asses, hiding in the dark corners, anywhere out of sight to cop a quick feel and when it struck midnight they had crashed their glasses together and Perrie had mumbled, "To another lovely year with my favorite girl."

"The fourth New Year's we've spent together," Jade had laughed, pressing a sloppy, drunk kiss to Perrie's chin. "The fourth of many, many more to come."

This year, they spend it in their flat in almost complete silence. The other girls are here, too, and Jake, because they can't just not invite him. For Christ's sake, he's got Jesy absolutely whipped. They're all squished together on the couch, Perrie resting across all of their laps and it's nice, having them all here for this.

They're all touching her in some way - Leigh-Anne's got her arms crossed over Perrie's ankles, Jesy is fiddling with the hem of her sweater and tracing little patterns onto Perrie's hipbone that makes the girl giggle and swat her hand away. Jake has one of Perrie's hands in his own, playing with her fingers and periodically making her flip Harry the bird. And Perrie's head is in Jade's lap, with Jade carding her hand gently through her hair, grinning sheepishly whenever Perrie gets tired and presses her face into Jade's stomach.

When the clock strikes midnight they all cheer, Jesy pulling Jake in for a kiss and Leigh-Anne trying to hug everyone at once. Perrie sits up slowly, blinking at Jade, confused.

"It's New Year's, baby," Jade whispers, grinning and pressing their foreheads together. "Happy New Year, Pez. I lo-"

But Perrie's lips cut her off, hot and insistent, before she can finish.

Besides Jade, Jesy is Perrie's favorite.

She loves Leigh-Anne, she does, but it feels like she's always too wound up, even when she's gentle, and on anything that isn't a Very Good Day it's hard for Perrie to deal with.

Jesy, though, she loves, and she's the only non-family member besides Jade she can see on yellow days (red days are for Jade and Jade only, and sometimes not even then - mostly she just shuts down and when she's awake she stares at the wall like Jade isn't even in the room.)

Jesy is gentle and sweet, always greeting Perrie with a, "Hey, babes." There's a lot of cuddling involved but Jesy tells him stories, too, murmuring remember when... and not getting frustrated when Perrie doesn't, which is often. Jade can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy, because she's read about glioblastoma patients pushing close friends and family away if they feel their business with them is done, and Jade is terrified that one day Perrie is going to decide she's just done with Jade.

The doctors assure her that it's very unlikely - Jade is his primary caregiver, her lover, her best friend. She will, most likely, continue to identify Jade until the very end.

But Jesy doesn't treat Perrie like she's dying, and hard as she tries Jade just can't do that.

Two weeks, three days and four hours into the New Year, Perrie has another seizure. It's worse, because Jade witnesses the whole thing, pressing desperate kisses to Perrie's forehead as she begs her, "Just keep breathing, c'mon, darling, I've got you, stay with me a little longer," after it's over and Perrie is crying and delirious.

Up until now, Jade's always seen a little spark of hope in Perrie's eye, but when Perrie reaches out to her from her hospital bed, tucking her face into Jade's arm and begs, "Please just take me home. Please, Jade, just wanna go home," Jade can almost see the light in her eyes go out, burning and flickering like a candle before collapsing into ash and smoke.

She doesn't leave Perrie alone anymore after that. Mostly she's with her, but if she's not it has to be someone she trusts. One of the other girls, if it's a shorter period of time. Or Debbie. Nobody else, though, and even with the aforementioned people Jade feels waves of panic washing over her the entire time she's out, from the second she walks out the door to the second he gets to see Perrie's face again.

Perrie gets sad when she leaves. Jade does too, but she has arrangements to make, hospital bills to pay, doctors to question, so she picks up the charms hanging from the silver chain around Perrie's neck and kisses them.

"Now my love will be with you even when I'm not, and it'll keep you warm until I'm back," she promises. Perrie nods, believing every word.

And when Jade is out and worried, mind always chanting Perrie Perrie Perrie is Perrie okay is he awake or asleep is he eating is he happy does he miss me, she presses her fingers to Perrie's heartbeat on her neck.

It's not a perfect solution, but it helps.

*****

there are like four parts left :(

also, if you guys know the 'strawberry fic' i might have the idea to turn that to a lm fic:). 

Thanks for sticking with me, there are new exciting things to come!

dorien x