brain cancer fic》jerrie version

s i x

Perrie finishes her letter to Jade the next morning while Jade is making her eggs, even though her stomach is in knots and she doubts she'll be able to eat much. She finishes off the letter with a flourish before capping her pen. There's an air of finality to it as she neatly folds the letter and sticks it into the empty envelope she's got sitting in front of her, the one she made Jade scour the entire flat for.

She makes sure to make devious eye contact with Jade the entire time she's licking the envelope — she knows she's over-licked it when it won't even seal properly, so she makes Jade find her another, which she seals with not nearly as much tongue swiping. She scribbles something quickly on the front of it, too quick for Jade to get a chance to look, and shoves it deep in the pocket of her sweatshirt.

"Do I get to read it now?" Jade asks from where she's standing by the stove, bare-chested with her pajama bottoms riding low on her hips as she concentrates on frying the sizzling bacon in the pan in front of her.

"No," Perrie says simply, suddenly feeling very tired, mostly because of the cancer and all, but also because she doesn't want to have this conversation.

Jade frowns, turning to narrow his eyes at her, one hand still holding the spatula. "You said it was for me."

"It is for you. But you don't get to read it now."

"When do I get to read it, then?"

"Like, um. After," Perrie mumbles, fidgeting in her chair as she feels Jade's gaze on her harden. She hears the sound of the burner being turned off, spatula being put back on the counter, Jade's footsteps approaching and she squeezes his eyes shut tight because she really, really doesn't want to have this conversation right now, or maybe ever.

"After what, Pez?" Jade asks, voice dangerously low.

"You know what." It comes out harsher than she intended. She can't help it. Her head is starting to throb and she fights the urge to close her eyes again.

"Pez." Jade's voice is gentle now, watery, like she's going to cry. Or maybe she's already crying; Perrie can't bring herself to look at her face. They've both been doing a lot of crying lately. Perrie doesn't like it.

"I, just," Perrie sputters, wracking her brain for the words she's looking for. "Wanted to, like, give you something. Of me. That's...me, in a way, if that makes sense. So you can have it...when I'm, um. When I'm not me anymore, I guess." She brings a hand up to rub at her eye and it comes away wet. She doesn't know when she started crying but all she knows now is that she is crying and she's pretty sure Jade is, too, and she can't stop.

"Oh, Pez," she whispers, and she's aiming for her mouth but ends up kissing her cheekbone instead. Close enough. "Okay," she says finally, looking resigned. "I'll wait to read it, then. Until...after." The look on her face makes Perrie's heart ache. The look of understand and resignation and sadness because she understands now and that's all Perrie has ever wanted from her but seeing it now just makes her want to disappear.

Soon, he thinks. Soon.

(war flashbacks for the LM fandom omg omg omg lmao)

Turns out that her soon is coming sooner than expected when she's in the shower one morning, washing her hair with Jade's apple-scented shampoo and the world in front of her blurs, a jolt of pain hitting her so badly she doubles over, clutching at her stomach and she barely has time to yell for Jade before her entire lower half goes numb and the world in front of her spins into blackness.