Everything's An Illusion // Phan

14

20 DAYS BEFORE
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HEY SO THIS CHAPTER MAY BE QUITE LONG AND SAD SO HERES A TRIGGER WARNING JUST INCASE
ALSO THIS WILL MAKE UP FOR THE MONTHS OF ME NEVER UPDATING I HOPE
SORRY FOR ANY BROKEN HEARTS I MIGHT CAUSE

Update: it's not long sorry lmfao

*10 days skip*

Ive been feeling terrible about me and dan's kiss ever since it happened. I wasn't sure what I was feeling, I didn't know if i felt happy that it happened, or mad.

What is this feeling?

I just can't put my finger on it... My whole body feels tingly and my stomach skips a beat whenever I think of the kiss, or whenever I think about his beautiful big brown eye....

No.

Beautiful?

Dan Howell?

Those two words don't mix. I'm just being stupid, of course Dan Howell isn't beautiful. He's not even close to it.

At that moment, Dan walked into the room and my heart jumped out of my chest. I turned my head to face the window and ignored him.

"You look happy today," he said sarcastically.

"And why are you even talking to me Dan?" I hissed back.

"Am I not allowed to talk to my room mate?" Dan replied.

"No. I wish I wasn't your room mate. If I had a chance to move rooms, I'd take it in a heart beat." I said bluntly.

I saw Dan frown, and for a moment a pang of sadness formed in his eyes. But I shook my head and ignored it. Dan Howell isn't my problem anymore.

"Alright." He said, sitting down onto his bed.

We sat there in silence. I didn't know whether to reply or not. I didn't want to talk to him anymore, I didn't wanna see his face anymore. But then again, my brain was thinking the complete opposite.

"Would you just get out of my head?!"

"Huh?" Dan said, looking at me confused.

"Oh.. Nothing. Sorry." I said, not realising I spoke aloud.

Ten minutes later we were called for lunch, I wasn't sure about the last time I had ate. I had been avoiding eating as much as I could. I knew weighing day would come around soon, but I didn't care. All I saw was fat, fat.. fat!

I sat across from Dan and kept my eyes to my plate. I looked at the food and my stomach turned at the thought of it in my stomach. The fat slowly growing.. making me heavier.. I didn't want that.

My head turned to the only thing I knew, faking it.

I chewed on part of the food, trying to take big bits and spitting them back into my mug and into a piece of tissue until there were a few mouth-fulls left on my plate.

I smiled on an empty stomach, yet again.

The guard came over to our table and let us all go, they didn't mind if you didn't complete the entire meal, which I was glad about.