Kidnapped by Kylo Ren (Star Wars)

Chapter Seventy-Seven

I wonder what Kylo Ren and I will become. After the fight, will we really just continue to be this ignorant towards each other for the rest of our lives? Obviously I have no other place in the universe than The First Order -- I am stuck here for good. Also obviously, Kylo Ren is meant to be here as well. Will we always be with each other but never truly with each other?

Will we go from having so much between us to having absolutely nothing?

I can't stand the thought of that. I care for him so much. He helped me through my stay here. He has saved me in so many different ways. Kylo Ren has flaws that make him perfect, and perfections that make him perfect. I wouldn't be able to live knowing that Kylo Ren is not mine and that I am not his. 

Yet, he's not making a move to rejoin us. Maybe he thought all of this over and truly thinks that we'll be better off separated. Ouch . . . That hurts to think about. Who knows how heartbroken I'll be if the only person I can trust doesn't want me. Would I go insane? Would I never stop being angry? Would I turn evil?

I'm getting really impatient waiting for him to speak to me, if he's ever going to. I can't wait that much longer. I need to talk to him about us -- about everything. There's so much that we need to discuss. 

Then there is the problem that is Kespia. 

I am so jealous of her --

Wait, what?! No you aren't. You don't need to be jealous of her because . . . 

Who am I kidding. I'm jealous of her and I know it. 

She is just so beautiful. She's foreign, and therefore exotic. Kespia is even a gorgeous name. Her hair is longer than mine, she's taller than me, her skin is smoother, her body has more enticing curves, and so much more. She can use The Force, which will surely make Kylo Ren more attracted to her. 

She is an avid student and isn't completely helpless -- yes, I know I am not helpless either, but Kespia requires less protection. She has Kubos, whereas the only protector I have is Kylo Ren. 

Everything about her, when compared to myself, is more beneficial, easier, and more beautiful. It's hard to imagine Kylo Ren coming back to me after so much rejection when Kespia is sitting there with all zero of her flaws and obviously wanting him. 

By this point in my thoughts, I was crying again. I wasn't in full sob-mode like I had been with Kubos, but I was quietly weeping into my pillow.

I couldn't get the image of Kespia with her hands on Kylo Ren's arm out of my head. It was like it was imprinted in my brain and it was the only thing I could remember. 

I know I shouldn't be jealous. I am, after all, the one who initially cut things off with Kylo Ren, right? I was the one who proposed that it would be safer if we were separated. I brought this onto myself. I can't be angry or upset with Kylo Ren for any reason. He tried to get me to take him back several times, but time after time again I rejected him. It's my fault that our relationship fell apart, and it's entirely my fault that I'm suffering right now. 

Also, Kespia and I both work towards the same cause. We are both officially loyal to The First Order, as of a week and a half ago when she agreed to come here. We are both technically representing the same ideas and beliefs. In a battle, we would both fight on the same side. In training, we work against each other so we can work together more efficiently in a real-life, dangerous situation. Kespia and I are technically on the same team. 

I hate the sound of that last sentence. I don't want to be on the same team as someone who is taking Kylo Ren away from me. 

But I have to deal with it! You have to learn to deal with it, Nira. Even if Kespia and Kylo Ren get together, you better get used to it. You weren't initially brought here to find love, and you still technically aren't supposed to be reaching out to discover it. You were brought here to support The First Order. 

I have to do that. I have to make that my top priority. I have to deal with the fact that I cut off things with Kylo Ren, that him and Kespia could very well be 'an item' in just a few days, and that I can't do anything about it. If Kylo Ren is happy, I have to leave him be. I want him to be happy, right?

I want him to be happy with me. 

But that might not happen because of me! I need to be able to handle it!

I have to deal with it. 

I have to. 

I don't have a choice. I brought this onto myself. 

I repeated that phrase, 'I have to deal with it', over and over to myself until I fell into a restless sleep. 

_____

Author's Note

Sorry if this chapter, or the last chapter, may have bored you. I PROMISE THAT NYLO WILL BE BACK, ALRIGHT! Stay patient! We need to let the story develop, friends!

First track meet tomorrow so that's why this chapter can't be super long! I have to focus and get ready for it. I love you guys and you'll maybe or maybe not get an update tomorrow! Depends on the time I get home and how tired I am. 

Thanks for reading! Bye :)