Far beyond broken.

Chapter fourteen - No change

~Lydia~

The tears still came.

Nothing had changed.

No one understood me.

They never would.

They're just pretending to care about me.

Negative thoughts like these ran through my head on a regular basis. I hated everything; not my friends but they were becoming irritating. I knew they watched me... They were trying to prevent me from doing something stupid again. I may be classed as the selfish one; trying to kill myself and leaving my friends behind. But surely their selfish too, like their kinda forcing someone to live (by constantly watching them) when all the person wants to do is die. Hurl up and die. I feel so bad, so awful... I don't want to be in this world anymore. I never asked for this life.

Currently, I was in my bed. It was the only place I could hide. The only place I could get peace. If I could have it my way, I would boot Allison and Isaac back to their houses. They needed to leave me alone already. Like I appreciate them caring, I really do. But there's only so much they can do for me... And currently their not really doing anything; just making me feel uncomfortable. I know they care but they care too much. A lot more than they should, when my demise meets me which will be soon, I will make sure it's soon. I don't want them to miss me, I don't want them to be sad. If anything they should be happy... Happy that I'm gone. Happy that they don't have me as a responsibility anymore. Happy that they don't have to worry for me. Everyone else wouldn't be effected by my departure, so they should they be lumbered with that misfortune.

It was hard, but I finally left my comfy bed. I was greeted by a cold chill of air... Yeah thanks for that. I looked at myself in the mirror, still dissatisfied with my reflection. I would never be satisfied with it, that was the truth really. It was awful to look in the mirror and see that as your reflection... Knowing that you look so bad, so shit.

No wonder no one wants me.

No wonder no one cares.

It feels like no one cares.

My friends... Well in the end we're all alone so they may as well leave now and save themselves the stress.

I was still in my baggy bed t-shirt, its practically all I wore to bed.... The only time I could be comfy. The only time i would let my guard down and allow my battlefield arms and legs to be visible. But I would never leave my room without sleeves, especially when there's people about. It's embarrassing... Humiliating. Its a sign of weakness, a side of me that I wouldn't allow people to see. But its kinda too late for that now... I tried to kill myself, some would perceive that as weak. When really it took a lot of courage for me to go through with it, all of that just to fail. Fine.

I went into my chest of draws, un-arranged all my stuff... I hated it. I couldn't even find anything like this. Its better when things are messy; I actually have an idea to where things are rather than if I've packed it all away... I forget where I place it.

I finally found my navy blue hoody after throwing clothes about. Yay sleeves! I put the hoody on in an instant, it was great. It was almost like a shield. It hid my arms from plain sight; it protected me from a bunch of questions and being judged by so many people. And for that hoody's will always be my favourite thing!

I grabbed a pair of baggy, comfy pyjama bottoms. I would wear them around the house, it wouldn't really matter. I wasn't planning on leaving the house today, so it was ideal to just lounge about in comfy bed-style clothes.

I finally exited my bedroom, I let out a small sigh. I really didn't want to face them... I could hear the TV blaring out from here. If I was asleep and that woke me up, I would of personally gone and killed the pair of them myself (metaphorically of course). Really, I just wouldn't be happy and it would somehow worsen my mood.