Helpline #911

Self conflict

Ever found yourself unable to sleep because two parts of your brain were fighting together?

Ever had a serious internal conflict in your mind?
Are you loaded with , guilt, stress or shame or any other unbearable emotion??

I don't know about you, but it happens a lot with me.

Such feelings usually result in very high levels of discomfort to me to the extent that I start believing that I am becoming mad.

Restlessness,over thinking and being unable to relax and having trouble falling asleep are all the things that triggers me to get deeper within that conflict.

Usually I am very talkative, all rainbow and sunshines. My friends call me bbm (for those who know hindi- bak bak machine) . But I have my own days, where I can't keep on wearing that facade.

I try, really really try to not to feel low ever. But at the end of the day, I am that girl who is conflicting with her own emotions.

There are times when my friends too give up on me. They just leave me alone to get better through shitty day.

That's where my conflict starts.. To get back to my friends and be happy again or be sad like this, sitting in darkness, head hung low.

To be a bitch and push everyone away who is offering me comfort or to embrace their care towards me.

I feel sometimes, that it is pity. So what if it is? Atleast they are better than me to show what they are feeling.

But at last, I let myself to be happy. Because even light from a firefly is more appealing than darkness.

Lame talk ...
I understand :(

Sometimes, no scratch that , almost every time I ignore my inner ramblings.It feels much easier to just distract myself from having to face it, and hope that it gets diffused on its own.

But the more I try to run away from facing the conflicts in myself, the more I am at the mercy a "fluctuating" mindset.

So, I sat down once , again alone and realized that when I live with the mindset of "needing" to do things (which is basically a lack-based thought), I always feel conflicted within my true self.

I don't need to "need" anything.

I should naturally "want" to do them. In an inner conflict of my true self (naturally happy, no forceful smiles, sometime sad, and yeah the girl who do have a heart that gets hurt) and whom i wanna be(always happy, always confident, unbreakable etc etc) ..i have lost myself.

But I try, and If I am lucky, I hope I will be the girl once I was. Not the one whom I created within myself to fight against the world.

But The one who was sent on earth to live, to get hurt and learn, to fall again and again but rise too, to laugh at times, but to express sadness too.

I guess it is okay to be sad sometimes, isn't it?

I don't know how to be happy
I don't know what should i do in order to feel good
I don't know what can make me happy

Do these phrases sound familiar? I bet they do.

I get these thoughts a lot . I don't know how to be happy or that I am depressed without knowing why.

(Lol. I feel like laughing at myself right now. I should be sleeping but here I am going all saint talk with helpline.)

Anyways, Mr. Google says happiness is the state the person reaches when he manages to satisfy the unmet needs he developed in his past.

Finding happiness is so simple. We just need to find these important unmet needs we have then fight hard until we manage to satisfy the most important ones.

The reason I realized why I don't know how to be happy is that I had misconceptions about happiness. I thought I can become happy overnight or that I could find happiness somewhere.

Happiness can't be found but it can be acquired after I fight bravely to change the things that I dislike about my life and to get the things that I really want.

True??

My therapist once suggested me to do meditation, listen to good talks and all those shiznit.

I was like...The fuck??? It ain't going to help me.

But still I tried them because of my money wasted on that therapist.
Result=FAILED.

Meditation, energy, positive thinking or even superman himself will never make me happy simply because my life is freaking messed up!!

With time, I now understand that the only way I can
become happy is to understand that I can't depend on quick fixes to feel happy. True happiness will come that day when I will actually decide and get what I want in my life. Where I want to go? Whom I want to be with?

And that is not easy task to do when I get confused over small choices like picking one from variety of pizzas, using one shade of lipstick, choosing book to read and what not.

Today my friend and wp twinsy troublemaker315 told me that she will role play as my ginnie. Ginnie that grant your wishes.

I imagined, if in real life a ginnie came to me ask me for three wishes that would make me happy, what would I say?

And wishes that would make me truly happy.

I pondered upon it long. But shame on me :(

Still I don't know what would be my wishes that could make me forget all sadness and be happy all along.

I thought of dying, to be transfigured into animal, zomby invasion and what not.

But nah, not a single permanent solution came to my mind, nothing is decided yet.

Sooo I am going to take my time and answer these questions carefully because I know they are the clues to my happiness and my happy life. May be then I could decide.

If Anyone out there is feeling depressed and sad, then think about those three wishes you would ask ginnie to fulfill. You would always the answer about the things that makes you happy. Discover those and fight for it.

I am in too ;)

Oh by the way if you are wondering...it is Fallingstars99 here. I forgot to adress myself in my own confessions.

I am sorry if anyone got bored or anything...I don't know why I ranted this much. But I guess it is okay to be sad sometimes, isn't it ;)

Lots of love,
Star ★