Push (Josh Ramsay)

Using like it's going out of style

Mabel POV
Within an hour of my release, Josh and I were slumped up against the tree trunks in our clearing, prepping our foil. See, a common misconception is that we smoke because we think we're cool or some shit like that, but that's not the case. I don't want to, I never did, but I have to. Yeah, perhaps we should get help but I just need to do this myself. I just wanted to graduate first. Josh and I have discussed it, he's been to rehab and he hated it, but it helped him, so we've altered our agreement. If we smoke without the other, we go now. If we can control it, we wait until after graduation. Is this smart? Who knows but we have to hope it works.

As we pressed the tar-like substance to the squares of foil, we looked into each other's eyes.
"Hey Mabel?" he questioned.
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry."
"God damn it Josh. Let's just enjoy this shit."
"Hey Mabel?"
I sighed, "Yes Josh?"
"I love you"
I loved him. I really did. But I couldn't say it. Not now.
I picked up my lighter and held it to the foil without a word, watching it bubble and roll as it sent wasps of bliss up my pen shell. Josh did the same with a pout across his face. Once we were done, we laid back in the grass, with our arms around each other.  He planted a kiss to my forehead sending a chill down my spine. We spent the next few hours floating in silence, side by side.

Using like it's going out of style, we continued this pattern over the next four days. Wake up, school, homework, heroin, nod out, home. Over the course of those four days we exchanged countless hugs, multiple kisses, and one incredibly heavy make-out session. We weren't together though, just friends. Yeah who make out with each other.

That Friday night, I spent the night at Josh's house. His mom had to assure my mother that we would not be left behind closed doors in order for me to stay. When I arrived, I went down to his bedroom where he was sitting writing in a journal.
"Screw you Josh" I teased. He stared at me puzzled for a bit before asking why.
"Your noisy ass that night I found you made my mother forbid us to be behind closed doors."
He chuckled, "Still holding that against me are we?"
I tried to put on a sexy face as I dragged my finger over his lip, "well we could have had a little fun tonight if it weren't for that." He began to pout before crashing his lips to mine. His kiss was, in some respects, more addictive than the drugs. His hands explored my clothed body, caressing every inch. Our bodies, hands, and lips moved in perfect sync as we ducked behind his bed. Before I knew it, shirts were off and I was pinned to the floor.
"How's this for a fun time?" he whispered in my ear, following it with a trail of sloppy kisses down my neck. I giggled and started reaching for his waistband earning me a smirk. Just then, we heard a knock at his door frame. I rolled under the bed with my shirt, and he frantically pulled his on and rose to meet his mother's gaze.

"Joshua honey, can I get you and mabel anything?" his mother chimed.
"How about some sandwiches? Mabel, You good with turkey?" he replied
I stifled an awkward chuckle, "Yeah that sounds fantastic."
"Mabel, are you under the bed?" she laughed.
"Yeah" I chuckled, "Josh bet me I couldn't fit under here, well guess who owes me $5?" Nice save
She laughed, "Ill be back soon with your sandwiches," then walked away adding "Josh you'd better pay up."
After she was gone, Josh turned to me laughing about the save I'd just made. I fucking sold it. We went back up on his bed and I looked over to the guitar in the corner of his room.
I looked at him and asked, "You play guitar?"
Sheepishly he replied, "yeah"
"Can I hear?" I pleaded
"I kinda suck so I dunno"
"Pleaseeee"
After a few minutes of pleading he finally agreed, "okay. but Im warning you, I suck" he gulped.
He walked over and grabbed his guitar, returning to sit on his bed. The tension in the room climbed steadily until his fingers strummed across the strings. The chords quickly filled the room, introducing an unfamiliar song.

"From the scrapes and bruises
To the familiar abuses
I'll kick and scream but it never changes anything"

His eyes were shut tight as he continued to sing.

"I could spill my guts out
Wearing my best little girl pout
And I almost missed it
But nobody said that this was gonna be easy"

his eyes welled up with tears as he took a deep breath and entered the chorus s

"This is not the man I hoped to be
And I'm just trying to stop the bleeding
I don't know how to word it
I just started to deserve it
And all my, all my faces are alibis
And me, I'm half the man I wanted to be..."

Everything about it was amazing. He sang the lyrics with so much emotion. It not only found its way through your ears but also your soiul. I could have listened to it all day. the chords progressed and the music intensified. halfway through I noticed his mom standing in the doorway with tears in her eyes.

He crescendoed into a near scream as he finished the song.

"...Don't want it, don't get it
I know you won't regret it
Don't surface, don't surface
And I feel so damned worthless
Another day is gone and all my faces are alibis
All my faces are alibis"

The last verse sent chills down my spine and put a lump in my throat before he softened up for the last line.

"And me, I'm half the man I wanted to be "

I was left absolutely speechless. I had absolutely no idea what talent he possessed. His mom walked in with our sandwiches and rubbed his back as he put his guitar away.
"Honey it sounds amazing, I mean that as a musician, not just your mother" she proudly spoke.
"Thanks" he replied dryly.
Struggling for words I added, "Yeah Josh that was, just, wow"
His face turned red and he grabbed the sandwiches. Once his mum left, he turned to me and asked, "Mabel, am I fat?" I blinked a couple times, trying to process what he had just asked.
"Absolutely not Josh. What the hell would make you think that?" I asked in total shock.
"Just, old feelings, it's nothing" he evaded.
"If you don't want to tell me, that's fine, but I just want you to remember if you want to, I'll listen" I spoke softly. He gulped and opened his mouth to speak, but instead settled on nervously picking up a sandwich. I did the same and shot him a reassuring glance. My mind was shooting into all sorts of corners, similar to how it was when he pulled out the first aid kid. I picked up my sandwich and took a bite, as did Josh. Soon we found our way into a lighthearted conversation about animals before being interrupted by a phone call. I looked at the screen and gulped as I read the name flashing across it.

++++++++++++A/N++++++++++++
(Josh)Dun (Josh)dun (Josh)dun who's it gonna be?
Hey look, I almost wrote plot.
I promise things are picking up.
Ok ily I'm going to try to write more often I swear. (Ok this ones funny)