Push (Josh Ramsay)

Breathing in and out

I woke up looking at the stars. I hadn't even noticed that I had lost consciousness. The air was brisk, and tickled at my nose as I breathed in and out. I looked over to the spot josh had been sitting to see nothing but an empty square of foil. It sat there, crumpled and charred, like the remainder of my hope. I had just met this boy and he had completely destroyed me. Offered me a sweet release, but turned around and ruined me.

Getting up, I cursed myself for letting him get away. I lost him again, this time however, it was all my fault. I hadn't tried to speak to him. I had let the heroin control me, and now he was gone.

Gone.

Just. Gone.

I called him again.

He still didn't pick up.

Hanging my head in defeat, I began the journey home. My feet felt as if they were being weighed down by bricks. My heart was sunken in. My arms were heavy, and my palms were sweaty. I was a mess and there was no hiding it.

I tumbled through the front door and began to slump to my room. My mother noticed my demeanor immediately and expressed her worry.
"Oh maybear, what's wrong" she said, her voice filled with concern.
"Nothing" I sighed, "I just... I need to think." My mom and I were quite close, she thought highly of me despite my declining grades. I'm sure if she knew HOW fucked up my head was she would change her mind.
"Alright honey, just let me know if you need anything" she replied in a soft tone. You see, my mom was great. At times she was the most supportive and caring woman I knew, but at others she was entirely out of her mind. This made our bond somewhat tumultuous. At times we were closer than friends, but often times we collided. I suppose it was because we were so alike. I'm sure it also had to do with her interior battles that she refused to be open about. Honestly, she really annoyed the shit out of me. Nonetheless I loved her.

I remembered something the teacher said just moments before Josh ran off. She had used his full name, Joshua Ramsay. I began looking online for his number and home address. There were two Ramsay households in this small town so I wrote down both and bolted upstairs.
"Hey mom! Can I borrow the car" I said almost too excitedly.
"What for?" She questioned.
"I just need it"
"After you tell me why"
"I just really need to go check on my friend I think he's going through a tough time and I need to check on him"
"He?"
"Oh god Mom I'm allowed to have guy friends"
"What's his name"
"Josh. Look Mom I need to do this."
"Fine but be back by eleven"

I checked the maps for the Ramsay household closest to the school, he had carried me, so it had to be nearby.

I stumbled upon a familiar looking home and with a gulp, knocked on the door. I heard footsteps rush toward the door and was greeted by an excited looking woman. Her excitement quickly wore off as her eyes hit me.
"Mrs. Ramsay?"
"Yes dear?"
"I'm a uh.. friend of Josh's"
She enveloped me in a hug, "OH MY GOD HAVE YOU SEEN HIM" she exclaimed.
"That's actually why I'm here"
"Please dear, come in" she chimed, taking my hand. "Call me Corlynn, can I get you anything?"
"No thanks ma'am."
She sat me down on their couch, not letting go of my hands.
"Oh I didn't get your name sweetie"
"Mabel"
"That's a lovely name" she chimed.
"Thank you, so is yours" I replied, putting a smile on her face.
"So you wanted to talk about Josh"
"Yeah, he ran off after first block two days ago and I hadn't seen him until this evening"
"You saw him! Where!" She rang excitedly.
"I was in the park uh.. thinking when he walked into the clearing and ran off when he saw me." I felt bad lying to her but I couldn't just tell her I sat smoking heroin with her son.
"Oh that is so good to hear. I've been worried sick."
"So have I. I called him, texted him, tried all the local businesses, but nobody had seen him"
We continued talking about Josh for a good amount of time. She told stories, and even introduced me to his sister Sara. Eventually I decided I should head home as it was nearing eleven. I bid my goodbyes and we exchanged numbers. She parted me with a hug, a muffin, and a business card, then I was off on my way.

I got into the car and turned my music on shuffle. The first notes of "Hum Hallelujah" began to ring and I sat there crying to Fall Out Boy before driving off into the night.