Alchemy (Book 4)

Chapter 8

Eve

I cried. I wept into the pillow. I wept into the pillow. I was under the covers, fully dressed. The room was dark and even the streetlights were enveloped in the nighttime.

Despite everything else that had transpired that day, my mind was stuck on the thought of Jeff with Elaine. It was almost as though that was the only truth large enough to hold my overwhelming heartache. I knew it was smoke and mirrors –there were far graver things to drown in-- but I didn't care, the darkness of most recent infidelity consumed me. I knew from the gift Jeff had chosen and from the sound of her voice on the phone. I knew he was going to leave me for Elaine. That thought stirred the shadows in me. No one could really love me. Clara was right. I was an impostor. I was trying to steal something from her that rightly had belonged to her real mother. Charlie and Jeffery were gone too, in their way. I was completely irrelevant in this family life I'd fought so hard to create.

Mostly, it was Jeff. He saw the truth about my worthlessness, that's why he treated me the way he always had.

The diamond earrings turned over and over in my mind. Each time, it sent a searing pain into me. I was almost 50 years old. I had chosen the life I'd lived. Every step of the way I'd been complicit in securing a pathetic, powerless life for myself. It was shameful. At that moment, I wished so badly that I had a mother to talk to. I had no one. I cried harder. I realized I'd always wanted what I'd been for Clara.

I heard the bedroom door open. I knew it was Jeff and I saw his shadow grow larger as he came close to me. I turned over and faced the other direction. He sat on the bed next to me and put his hand on the covers over my waist. I didn't move, all I could do was cry.

"The boys left." He whispered.

I couldn't speak. I could only cry.

"What's going on?" He asked. He touched my hair. "Sweetheart look at me for a moment."

I was able to stop crying for a minute. "Please leave me alone for a while."

I heard him sigh. "Let me bring you something to eat, let me sit with you. Talk to me, Eve."

I turned and looked at him. I'd been crying so hard for over an hour. My face must have looked horrible.

"Oh Eve. You look so sad."

"I'm not doing the thing we do." I said. "This is different. I honestly want you to go."

"What thing we do?"

"The game we play where I'm angry with you and you seduce me back."

"No. Eve, I want to help you."

I started to cry again. "Just go. You can visit your girlfriend, your lover—whatever she is. Honestly, I don't care. I want to be alone. I'm so sad." I turned over and cried.

He rubbed my back. "I'm not going anywhere, Eve."

I looked at him again. "Please leave me alone. Please."

He nodded and left the room. Several more hours passed. I half slept but mostly I cried. I was completely hollow inside. It was my age. There was no longer any potential for anything. It had all been decided. I heard the door open again. I saw the light from the hallway break through the darkness. I was about to tell Jeff to leave again, but I realized the silhouette was Clara.

"Mommy?" I heard her say. She sounded like a child and I assumed she was drunk or high.

"What is it Clara?" I tried to make my voice sound normal and I did, except for a hoarseness I couldn't disguise.