I'm Restless

part 5

It started when I was young. Too young...eight maybe. It sparked my attention, I don't know why but it did.

Normal eight year old girls are thinking about Barbies and braiding hair.

Don't get me wrong I had Barbies and such...

It started with the first home computer my dad bought. It was fun and had loads of games. As my mother would say "Idle hands are the devil's workshop."

My finger tips traced the letters one at a time

S
E
X
Click...

That is where it began, with a click of a button and three letters. The onky obstacles were my two older siblings. So if my dad ever checked the search history he would most likely blame it on my brother.

The computer searched, images...websites...porn. It all surfaced and as I clicked on different websites I found my heart was pounding. Nervous sweat started staining my shirt and my cheeks flushed red.

I clicked off fast, nervously fast. Running to the bathroom I peered up at my reflection. That's when I saw my eyes turn this redish brown, a color I had never seen before. They were so dark they looked like crimson blood. I tore the stare down between my evil twin and my own innocent self. I felt tingly all over. Especially down there.

That's what I mean by ever since then I've been that way.

My innocence was taken by the click of a button. Sounds like a fucking slogan for the #antipornhub hashtags used in religious media groups.

My dad said when I was two years old, barely starting to say "dadda," that he was going to the store after my parents just argued. Apparently, my dad was angry and complaining. My dad told me that in the middle of his ranting and complaining that I spoke up and this came out "Daddy does Jesus live in your heart? He lives in mine." I don't remember that day but it baffles my dad since I had never been told to say that nor was I even close to putting sentences together. In addition, I never spoke in a full sentence again until 3 1/2.

My dad made me seem like I was some angel from heaven sent to him to be raised like a saint or something. I tried my hardest to stay his little girl and not get in trouble. I did...really.

It was just never enough.