I'm Restless

part 1

Unwilling to delight in the everyday joys seems like a lonely life to lead, yet there is comfort in being such solitude. Almost like hearing waves crash against one another. I am in love with a boy, and he...is not in love with me.

I'm 16 years old and worrying about a boy. How disturbingly cliche that notion must be. At one point and time you have to know that he was good. Defining good, is he was sweet and devoted to me. Everything was for me. Now? Now everything isn't for me.

I still love him, even though he drinks and smokes weed...because I drink and smoke weed so why should I judge that? He was the one who invited me to my first party. The one where I took 3 or 4 good long hits and ended up in the bed of my boyfriend's best friends truck...

I loved Austin at the time. Austin was a  combative partner so obviously we got along and understood each other. Ever since him I haven't had any good relationships. Mostly because I don't give a shit about giving someone apart of my heart (like that) ever again, so that's why I don't see the point in trying. Austin, my high school fling gone terribly fucking wrong. I cheated on him numerous times. That I'm ashamed about but I never felt bad cuz I wanted the attention from more than one guy. I've always been like that...ever since I can remember.

Sometimes I wonder whether I had been raped as a child and just don't remember because I felt empty in my heart where I should feel whole and happy.

Anyway, Chad was sort of friend zoned because he was just "too" sweet on me while I was with Austin. I actually kissed Chad ALOT while Austin and I dated. To be honest I didn't feel bad, because I knew Austin just wanted me for sex. And I gave all the guys I've been with, exactly what they wanted...and I've seen them all grab their things and leave (hypothetically speaking) too. How does that affect me? It tears me the hell apart...but hey, what can you do?

Yes I'm a fucked up girl, yes I'm considered a slut, no I don't know why I do it....I just do. I feel empty without someone holding me and being loving. I do it I guess Because I just want the hopeless romantic to shut the fuck up and have someone to fuck, love, and have those romantic (morning after) naked scenes. Where the couples are all "lovey dovey." I have like triple personalities or something.

Wouldn't doubt that's why Chad avoids me more than ever. Needless to say, whenever he talks to other girls it makes me so upset I have to look away and distract myself. His eyes are too beautiful.....and no one deserves to be able to look at them but me.

I'm sorry Zach, Derek, Austin, Chad....I'm sorry I loved y'all. I won't do that again. I solemnly swear.