Wayne's Daughter

Chapter 16

August 4th;
I really hate robots, and journals, there isn't much of a difference between the level of hate. Canary is making me do this because I am apparently not "coping" well, so she wants me to writes down what happened in my day and how I felt. It's stupid. I also am starting to really hate psychiatrists..them and their judging-ness. How they ask the most inane questions and judging.

But why do I hate robots? Well I just had to fight a super powered one, that took the League super long to take down. Us "sidekicks" managed to do it without the big big guns, and uuuhhhh I managed to get use my...skills successfully. Only on the monkeys though, couldn't have the giant all powerful robot copying them. Especially when not many heroes have them. 

Since I know Canary is gonna read this, I have to talk about how I feel (boooooo). I feel fine, tired from fighting but other than that I'm fine. Well, during the fight I was scared for a bit because KF nearly died and for that moment I was absolutely terrified that I was about to lose someone I care about again. Sure I've technically only ever lost my sister, but I lost my entire family for a year and a half because I was stupid.

I'm angry, because I couldn't help Kid. Though why am I surprised that I couldn't? I mean, I managed to get myself captured because I was stubborn over a head injury. How did I expect to be able to protect any of my teammates..

I hear Dick coming. Better stuff this thing somewhere..don't want him to see this. He doesn't need to see that I'm not handling anything well. Even though I am. I'm perfectly fine, and I don't need help.

August 16th;
Teryn is such a good friend. I really feel bad I didn't go to see her as soon I got back, but I'm just glad that she is even talking to me. Unlike her brother. Silas is even more mad at me than when I went mute for two months, I didn't think that was even possible. He was so angry, even around my birthday when I was quiet. I can't blame him though, I'm mad at me too.

Anyway, today I spent the day at Teryn's adoptive mom's house. Mrs. Curlo is such a sweet lady, and from what Teryn has told me she doesn't even press her or Silas for what happened to them before they got moved to Gotham. They got adopted while I was gone..just another thing I missed while taken.

Even I don't know much about their life before they came to Gotham seven years ago, around the time Dick and I started Gotham Academy. All I know is that she and Silas came from a very bad family in North Carolina, they had an aunt here but she quickly put them up for adoption around their second year here. They were in and out of the foster care system until just recently. I had, hah, I had tried to convince Dad to adopt them. Or at least Foster them, but I couldn't convince him. Oh, I guess that is an obvious outcome thinking about it. Couldn't risk civilians finding out, guess Dick was the exception.

Overwhelming guilt, that's what I'm feeling right now Canary. Guilt over the fact that I'll probably bring Teryn down with my stupid decisions. I don't deserve her friendship. I don't deserve Barbara's or Silas' or anyone's.

But Teryn...she's so smart and kind, even with how shy she is. She'll be someone amazing once we graduate, well even more amazing than she already is. That girl is gonna change the world, one way or another. Teryn is going to make this world a better place.

August 28th;
So much has happened. I found out magic was real, but it cost someone who would've been a cool to meet. I was busy fighting good old Ra's Al Ghul. Fought and lost to this guy, Clayface, twice. Once with just Batman and Robin, the other time with the team...Batman had to come save us. We had stupidly split up and I got knocked out by someone who looked like Robin..it was entirely embarrassing. How could I have been so stupid?! I'm supposed to be better than that. I know everyone else had the same thing happen to them, but I could've stopped them! I have..my skills...which would've..

I could've stopped people from getting hurt..

Robin got angry because of Batman only talking to Aqualad after the mission, but I think that's reasonable. I mean, he is the team leader and Batman won't talk to Robin in front of the others like he would with the leader. Robin isn't leader, but despite that, he got one on one time with him playing basketball. I didn't get anything. He didn't even ask me about it. He hasn't changed at all.

Is he disappointed in me? If I was him, I would be.

You'd think after I got back he would..he would...care a bit. I guess it is my fault. I was stupid and careless, not even using a single precautionary measured or anything at all or..I failed I guess. But I am trying to improve on that stuff.

So I locked away in my room while they were doing that, trying to relive some of my memories. Not from my childhood this time, but from when I was in Cadmus. I want to know what they did with me, so I can make sure that they didn't do any programming to me. I...I wish I didn't.

I remembered waking up and it was one of my first days there I think because I felt the fear, terror, and confusion of seeing nothing but a gray room. There was nothing but solid gray walls with the same color gray floor and I wasn't wearing my Chickadee costume. I was wearing something you'd see in an institution of some sorts, a white t-shirt with a hoodie and sweatpants. None of them had any strings.

That's all the memory was, silence and gray and the fluorescent lights that somehow shone even though there was no visible lightbulb or glass. I didn't move or speak or speak; I couldn't. My throat was clammed up and my entire body felt stiff. I don't want to go back to that memory.

September 3rd;
I visited my sister yesterday. From what the Arkham psychiatrists said; and I still hate them; she's doing better with each visit. I pulled some strings and got it so I was allowed to bring in a guitar to play it for her. When I visited her back in late July she asked if I still was interested in playing music.

She used to play when our biological parents and David weren't home, she had this beat up old guitar hidden behind a panel in her closet. She'd play to help me sleep, singing softly to let me know everything in our hellish world would be okay just for a little while.

She cried when I played for her, and when I stopped she hugged me and just held me. My big sister held me like she used to; when she used to tell that everything would be okay.. I want her to turn out to be okay, to break free from the Joker and just be mentally stable. I really miss my sister...

I hear Batman calling, something about investigating something in Bialia..wonder that that's gonna be about. Hopefully it's a more exciting mission than getting our butts handed to by a clay monster.