Waves {h.s.}

sixteen - deal

TOSSING AND TURNING. I just kept tossing and turning, desperately trying to find sleep, desperately trying to find peace. Sadly, I wasn't so lucky. Instead, I moved around in the bed, sometimes half of my body laid on top of Harry's, sometimes I wrapped my arms only around one of his arms and sometimes I laid with my back to him. Every time, Harry adapted his position to mine, his arms circling my body as I laid on him or he moved to his side and spoon me from behind. Either way, it was clear that Harry was having trouble sleeping just like me.

"Are you still mad at me?" I gathered the courage to ask after moving around in the bed.

Harry sighed loudly, before taking in a deep breath and tightening his arms around my body. I couldn't see his face as my back was pressed against his front. Yet, I could tell exactly what he was thinking by the way his body tensed.

"I'm not mad at you," he replied through a whisper before kissing my temple.

I scoffed and turned around to see just how truthful he was being. The weird thing was that once I turned around, I saw that I had been wrong. He seemed troubled, but he actually wasn't mad at me. It was in the way he looked at me, in the way his hand rested on my hips, there wasn't anger behind any of these gestures. Just love. He wasn't mad at me at all. He was hanging on to me, trying to find reassurance in me. That was why he followed my movements in the bed, he needed to engulf me in his arms, he needed me to be close.

As I faced him, I rested my hands against his chest and kissed his chin, hoping that this small gesture would bring him some of the reassurance he needed. I wanted him to know that I was there for him.

I was so proud of him for reacting so calmly. Only a few weeks ago he would've run and I wouldn't have heard about him until a few days later as he would knock at my door, high. But he was still here and instead of running away from me, he held on to me. It just showed how much he had grown, or just how much he cared about me.

"What's on your mind, then?"

He sighed and held me tighter. "A lot," he replied vaguely and I hid my face in his neck.

"Will you ever talk about it?" I asked with a low voice, my apprehension in asking that question coming through.

There was a long silence and I didn't dare to move. Harry was probably trying to figure out a way to turn me down nicely, without starting a fight.

His fingers played along my spine as a heavy silence fell between the two of us. I knew that Harry hadn't fallen asleep from the way he breathed and the way he held onto me. So I waited, knowing that eventually he would speak and explain to me how he wasn't ready to talk about it. I didn't want to rush him. I had learned from countless experience that it would lead us nowhere.

"Can I ask you something?" he mumbled as he turned his head and kiss the top of my head.

"Of course, anything, always," I replied turning my head ever so slightly so that my lips could reach just under his jaw. I felt him swallow against my lips and hung on to him a little tighter.

"Do you feel like-" he took in a deep breath, as to clear his thoughts. "-like love makes us both weak and strong?"

Although I didn't understand why he was asking this now, I knew exactly what he meant when he said that love made us both weak and strong.

I remember how weak I felt a few weeks ago when he had hurt me more than I thought I could handle. Harry had complete control over me, no matter how hard I tried to resist him, I ended up forgiving him, I ended up pulling him up to my apartment after kissing in the rain even when I could hear voices yelling "no!" loud and clear, I just loved him so much that I was too weak to quit and move on.