Vero Amore (a Spencer Reid love story)

XV

Natalia's POV

It's been two months since I'd been in Virginia, Quantico, and the BAU.

It's not necessarily that I didn't want to be home or at work, it's simply that bigger things got in my way that made me lose myself, and I knew that if I wanted to get back to the person I once was then I had to do some serious work to improve.

The night before getting back to work, I finally landed back in Quantico from being away for so long. That night I had the opportunity to lie in my own bed. I wish I could say that I slept, but it's become severely difficult to fall asleep the same way I could many months ago. I would shut my eyes for a short moment, but then abruptly open them to check if my doors and windows were shut tight. I wouldn't be lying if I said that I spent the majority of the night trying to calm myself for the big day.

Before the kidnapping, I would wear appropriate but fitting outfits to work. I could chase bad guys while still looking like a bad ass. I would easily be able to roll up my sleeves and not care what others thought of me, but after the kidnapping I can't even help look at myself. I cover the mirrors; I look to the ceiling as I change to avoid looking down at my body. I don't know how well my wounds have healed and, honestly, I don't care. I never want to look down at those burdens planted on my skin. It's a constant reminder of that night, it's a constant reflection placed about me. So instead of wearing those fitted blouses and pants, I decided to wear a long black sleeved shirt and black leggings. I kept on getting paranoid that the scars on my arms were going to show so I decided to cut a small opening at the end of the sleeve so that I could slip my thumb through it to avoid the sleeves from rolling down.

I still had the scars on my face, so I felt as if I had to put on makeup to avoid the news it broadcasted, unfortunately leading me to look at myself in the mirror. I cried for a long time before apply even a millimeter of concealer on my face and nearly punched the mirror as the thick layers of foundation still weren't enough to cover up the ugliness on my face.

I finally drove myself to the FBI. I wasn't nervous getting there; I was actually getting a little proud of the independence I failed to show in the last two months, but the moment I reached the entrance, I could feel my stomach twisting and turning and I felt as if there was a force pushing me away from entering the building. Never once, not even when I first entered the FBI, was I nervous or scared, but for the first time I was. I've walked into this building hundreds of times, but for the first time it didn't feel like home. I tried to move my legs forward but my leg went backwards instead. I paced outside the entrance for a solid ten minutes before I bumped into someone, nearly making me push them down to the ground. I grabbed onto their arm, only to see a curvy blond lady with glasses with wide eyes stare back at me. I immediately let go of her, thinking that she would say something about reporting me, but instead she gasped.

"Natalia!" she said as I furrowed my eyebrows and stepped back. I could feel my heart beating quicker and made my stance stiffer.

"Do I know you?" I huffed out, standing stiff, ready for anything that this lady might pull. For a while she just stared at me, her big eyes glaring in shock, but then she laughed. What the hell? "What are you laughing at?!" I nearly cried out and she immediately stopped.

"I'm sorry! I'm Penelope Garcia! We worked on the Pickett case-" I could immediately feel my body turn cold and my body become petrified. I remembered her; we spoke on the phone a couple of times with Reid. She must have noticed my reaction because she held her hands up in defense and shook her head. "-Sorry! I didn't mean to just bring that up after..." she became silent and gulped. I knew what she was trying to say, but I stayed silent. She smiled instead. "Thank God your back though! You have no idea how worried we were about you! Especially Reid!" she told me as my body quickly became at ease again at the mention of Spencer. I didn't miss him, of course I didn't miss Spencer Reid, but I guess after spending a few days with that nerdy genius, you can miss that goofy smile and those unnecessary facts. She must have noticed my reaction too because she took a step closer to me and tried to grab my hand, which I quickly jerked away from her. She didn't frown or anything at my gesture, but she held her hand out to the entrance and I immediately felt that invisible force had vanished.