||My Invisible Wound||

||Who Cares?||

     c h a p t e r | f o u r t e e n

     The sound of the waves filled my ears.

      I was at the beach.

      No one was truly around; a few people up near the buildings, having dinner or hangin gwith friends at the bars. But I was walking around—sometimes near the water, and other times, away from it.

      I swung my arms around with my shoes hanging from my fingertips. The feeling of the sand beneath the soles of my feet and in-between my toes was something that I did need. It felt good. Like I was free.

      I glanced over the ocean waters a few times; looking toward the horizon.

      I was five miles away from home. It didn't sound like I was far away, but to me, being alone at the beach brought me to a new bubble of mine that isolated everything out. It deleted my previous life, my friends, peers, my memories even. Everything was erased. I was erased and became a brand new person. Thin, beautiful . . . everything about me was improved when I stepped into that bubble.

      When sitting on a sand-covered hill, I placed my shoes beside me and looked down to the ground, where my toes dug into the sand and the particles would fall off my feet.

      I sat there for what felt like forever. I didn't know what I was doing. A part of me wanted to continue on or just stay there and be homeless. The other part wanted to go back home. In the back of my mind, I was wondering why I left in the first place. It originally was because I didn't have a real life that most people had. It was because I wasn't perfect, I wasn't what my parents planned, I wasn't pretty, I wasn't thin . . . I wasn't who people wanted me to be.

      I was fat, ugly,and completely imperfect. I was a mistake in the world; a flaw. Everything about me was a flaw, like someone needed to come and fix me like the society's system decided to give up and create someone, where that someone was me.

      But the more I sat there, listening to the waves, listening to the people down the beach, I realized that I wasn't the only one. There were billions of other people, and I couldn't have been the only person out there that wasn't perfect. That didn't have the Barbie image, the Barbie or Ken Doll body. I wasn't the only one feeling like I didn't belong, that I wasn't good enough for the people that was around me.

      I didn't know if that was the case. If that was what made me feel like shit at that moment like I wasn't meant to walk the earth because I was overweight or because my face didn't look attractive.

      Sometimes, I just wished that I could be different. That I could look different. Sometimes, it felt like I needed a fresh start. I wanted nothing more and nothing less.

      As I picked my head back up and looked out to the beach, I saw two tall, thin boys who were looking at me. For a moment, I didn't realize who they were. But as I stepped out of that bubble that made me forget everything, I suddenly remembered who they were to me.

      Elyes's skin was so dark that I could barely see him in the distance. If it wasn't for his white T-shirt, I wouldn't have been able to think that it was him.

      They both realized it was me and began to walk toward the hill that I was sitting on. At first, I wanted to get up and runaway, but I changed that decision because I was already tired from walking all that way, not to mention that Elyes and Jake were in much better shape than I was.

      "Why are you here? How did you get here? What happened to you? Your parents are worried sick about you!" His voice sent chills that went up and down my spine. It felt like it had been forever since I had heard Elyes's voice.

      Jake was the first one to sit beside me, then Elyes realized that I wasn't in the mood to talk.

      "Aly," Jake began. "What's wrong?"

      Nothing. I couldn't say a thing.

      "Please," Elyes insisted. "Talk to us."

      I was trying to fight it, so the words didn't destroy me, but I couldn't keep up. The words were wanting to escape so badly that they tore right through my teeth and right out my mouth. Tears began to dwindle. "I feel like a failure, like no one wants me around. I'm an ugly piece of shit and I don't understand why you both are here. Why do you guys care so much about me? It makes no sense!"

      They were both silent. I expected that. Of course, they couldn't think up the words fast enough as mine just rushed right out of me; I didn't give them enough time to expect what I would say. Unless they were probably expecting something like that. I was depressed most of the time, so they may have known I would have said something about why I wasn't cared about or whatnot.

      "What is up with you and all these 'no one cares about me' announcements? People do care about you, Alysha! We care about you! Is that not enough?" Jake repeatedly points to his chest with his fingers. He sounded irritated, but I understood why.

      I just didn't know how I could be happy without thinking that they were going to leave me. It couldn't have been a miracle; I don't get them. Somewhere,deep inside me, they weren't playing me. Elyes had stayed for too long—he couldn't have been playing me, right? For four years, he was my best friend that I could lean on. And now I was thinking that he was some spy? Some player who was going to rip me to pieces?

      Jake was a bit different though. I've only known him personally for a little while, but in memory, he wasn't the same. He was a mere robot who would do whatever that his friends did because it was "cool," and if he didn't do it, he would be a wimp. A disgrace to their group. I wanted to believe him, but how could I? I didn't know him well enough to think that he was innocent.

      From the moment that we became English partners to what was currently happening, I found him guilty. At least, a part of me did.

      "Throughout these past few years, I've learned to not care. Because no matter how much I care for someone, they won't care back. And I've learned to never get my hopes up when someone walks into my life because whenever someone does, I automatically trust them. But somehow, they end up breaking that trust. So now, it takes me years to trust someone, and sometimes, it takes only seconds to destroy it. So what do you think, huh? I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole be-secure-and-forget-the-assholes-in-life bit. I'm sorry, but that's just me."

      "We get that," said Elyes. "I understand that. But you've known me for four years. Can you at least trust me?"

      "I don't know."That wasn't a good answer, I thought. "Elyes—" I paused, trying to gather the words before I said them, before I would screw up like any other time. "I don't know what's true anymore. I'm so lost."

      "Alysha." I turned my attention to Jake. "This is dramatic. Look, I understand that you're going through some rough times, but why can't you just see that we're trying to care for you? You may not have known me as long as Elyes, but you can trust both of us. We don't want anything bad to happen to you."

      I had to be insane. Crazy enough to think that they weren't who I thought they were: cons waiting to make my life—my past—a sham.

      Nodding my head, I said, "Yeah. I guess you're right." I wiped the remaining tears away and thought about it for a moment. I was being dramatic, wasn't I? You always are, I thought. I needed to change that.

      The boys helped me up and we walked back to a car that one of them drove. That was when I told them why and how I got to the beach.