Habit

Chapter 21

''We could have been afraid together, Lauren.'' I whispered, trying my hardest to voice my thoughts without disrupting our tranquility.

She rubbed her lips together and sat up straighter, tightening her grip on my hand, ''But that's just it, Camila, I didn't know you were afraid.'' She whispered back, looking like a little girl.

My face softened, suddenly, I wasn't as mad anymore. I had to remind myself, every time I grew angry at the world- that they didn't know, they never did, and now they do, and that's why they're rising to the rescue. All along, Lauren was just looking for a reason to believe that she wasn't sick for wanting me, especially during that dark time. It cleared some of the clouds of doubt in my mind, and a weak smile spread across my face. I couldn't help but rest my palm on her cheek and caress it. Lauren Jauregui was different, just as I had predicted all along. I kissed her forehead and lingered there for a moment, and felt a tear roll down my own face in which her eyes followed as if racing it.

''I've never hated you, Camz, not in the way you think I did, I think I hated myself more than I hated you but I threw it out on you because I know if I beat myself up for it, that they'd notice, they'd question me, and I wanted to be close to you somehow but I knew becoming your friend was a territory far too dangerous for my feelings. I never imagined you requiting them. But I gradually starting noticing the way you'd look at me in the mornings, and your stare resembled mine, and my first step at starting to get somewhere with you, was obviously not a good one, and that's probably my biggest regret, if the way I treated you isn't it.''

I watched her intently, so that I could feel everything in her words, the regret, the pain, but most importantly, the closure. Anyone with common sense would call me crazy for putting myself in this position, in this proximity with the one person who treated me worse than I treated myself, and in this forgiving compromise. But our days were counted, and I had lived in hesitation and in darkness for far too long to push away the one person who had given me hope all along. I think that's what love is, having faith in people when everyone else is ready to give up on them, and maybe that's why I had hope in her all this time, because Lauren Jauregui was someone I could fall in love with, someone who made it impossible not to, regardless of who she was, or at least, who she had been.

''I've wanted you, Lauren, for so long, and sometimes it was the scariest thing I had ever encountered, wanting someone, especially after feeling so life-less, and I think that's what sprouted a flower within me...that underneath all the revulsion I had for myself and the world-my heart still jolted at the sight of you, I may have romanced the idea of you this entire time, but the reality of you...is just as great as the illusion.'' I said with a smile.

She met my eyes then, and her eyes darted around every inch of my face, and a sob escaped her perfect pink lips. They were quivering and her eyes were doing that beautiful thing again, but they weren't as sad anymore, and that made this moment one I'd never forget. We all had our debts, but it wouldn't be fair to throw them at each other's faces all the time. We did that to ourselves enough.

She brought me closer and hugged me tightly.

I wrapped my arms around her waist and began to trace circles on her back with the tips of my fingers and began to do something I hadn't done in a long time.

Somehow we found ourselves lying back on her pillows, as I ran my fingers through her hair, being extra careful when I came across a few tangles and hummed the beginning of a song I had grown really familiar with, and found it fitting to show her one of my more covert sides since we were being honest.

When your tears are spent on your last pretense

And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.

When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles

And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up

And I will hide you when it gets too much

I'll be right beside you

I am right be right beside you

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath

When the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless.

When you try to speak but you make no sound

And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up

And I will hide you when it gets too much

I'll be right beside you

I am right be right beside you

I will stay.

Nobody will break you,

Yeah.

Trust in me, trust in me.

Don't pull away

Trust in me, trust in me.

I'm just trying to keep this together, because I could do worse and you could do better

Tears are spent on your last pretense

And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up

And I will hide you when it gets too much

I'll be right beside you

Nobody will break you

And, if your heart wears thin I will hold you up

And I will hide you when it gets too much

I'll be right beside you

Nobody will break you.

I felt her embrace tighter as I sang each lyric, and as I hummed the ending, I began to fall in love with the exaggerated exhales that escaped her slightly agape mouth and the pace that her heart had slowed down too which indicated her slumber. As much as Lauren wanted to pretend, that she was this unbreakable and strong person, sometimes someone as small as me can save her, just as the mouse had saved the lion in that one story.

I glanced at the clock that rested on her bedside drawer, and noticed that it was getting late and if I didn't leave now, I'd be late for dinner so I slowly got up from Lauren's bed, trying my best to not wake her up, and planted a kiss on her forehead. I looked around for a paper and pen to leave her a note; I didn't want her to wake up thinking that I abandoned her. Once I found one, I wrote a small message and put it in her hand.

''Reason number five out of sixty as to why I shouldn't take the pills: Lauren Jauregui is here on earth, and it'd be a damn shame to have someone else fall in love with the way she falls asleep.

"Goodnight, Lauren. See you tomorrow, Camila. xx''