Habit

Chapter 19

Places, people, and situations always look prettier if you dull out the harmful parts of it and that's the way Camila saw Lauren. She was a beautiful essence that had her darker parts hidden behind her smile. As much as Camila wanted to give in to the new

Lauren, a part of her kept her at a distance she wasn't sure Lauren would ever be able to reach. She couldn't just forgive the girl, even if that was exactly what she wanted to do, but Camila knew there were still so many missing pieces between their puzzle.

The day went on, with Camila getting new found praise that although she wanted to appreciate, she shrugged off because even if there was sincerity in the eyes of all those who now complimented her, she still felt like a joke. She was free in many different ways, but still stuck in so many more. She was free of the guilt of living a lie, but that didn't change the past and it didn't change the fear she still lived in.

With everything she went through, Camila lived a life that always kept her on her toes, she was never fully comfortable anywhere she was, and she never let her guard down. The only times she did were in Sofia's arms. She was regaining a comfort in the green eyes of Lauren Jauregui but her past still shadowed the girl, just as it still shadowed Camila herself.

It was as if Camila only wanted to see particular sides of Lauren but her conscience never let her see past the awful version that the girl was merely a few days ago. Camila forced smiles now more than ever, because now she was expected to smile, she was no longer expected to look like the damsel in distress that she was and a part of her felt bothered by that, but another part reminded her that now she could seek comfort and not be pushed away like she used to be.

It was bittersweet, the whirlpool of feelings that she felt, because her heart told her to trust, to love, to forgive without conditions, but her mind told her to stay guarded, to not trust anyone who could let her down (and that itself consisted of only trusting herself).

It was strange now. Camila felt like something else still tugging at her ankles and she couldn't pinpoint what it was. As much as she wanted to relish in the moment she could now enjoy with her family, and in those heartfelt moments that Lauren tried to present her with; she still felt like she was- not entirely there.

For brief moments during her over-thinking episodes, she frequently considered seeing a therapist. She began to think that she was bipolar, because she could go from being happy about being the center of her family's world again, and Lauren's now as well, only to feel spiteful towards them seconds later, but Camila always came to terms with the fact that she never gave herself the space to heal.

She had given them the truth and embraced their acceptance almost instantly but never gave herself the opportunity to accept them in return. It was in those times that Camila felt like she wasn't as ready as she thought she was for the truth to be out, but then she reminded herself on how done she was with who she had been and it all seemed worth it all over again.

The thing was, in those two years, a major gap had grown between them, and they all wanted to pretend that Camila was the same person she was when she was 15, but she wasn't, and the person she was, was foreign.

The only person who stayed safe of living in the past was Lauren, because she never really did speak to Camila, so Camila could be anyone she wanted with her, she didn't have to be fifteen year old Camila and that itself gave her so much relief but she still felt like she had to stay guarded.

She felt trapped, and she didn't know how to get out of this labyrinth. Wasn't the truth supposed to set her free?

Camila found herself studying people again. Not in a judgmental way, but in an open-minded way. She began to analyze the people who she used to think so little of, and even those she used to praise, and suddenly everyone seemed to be the same person in her eyes.

Everyone seemed to be varied versions of the same exact person. Because just like ally said, we are all the same person, we are just surviving it differently. It was true. Ally had become a really good friend of Camila's; it was almost safe to say that she was in the process of becoming her best friend. Camila forgot what it was like to have one, since her former ones so easily threw her to the curb, but it felt nice. Refreshing even, to have someone care as much as Ally did. Camila began to pray along with Ally before devouring her lunch and at night as well.

Her prayers were usually the same ones, she prayed to find comfort in the present, and find closure within her past. She prayed to close the former book she used to live in and start a new one, and she prayed to open her heart to the possibilities of a better tomorrow. She prayed for her parents to understand, and to see through who Camila was still pretending to be. The difference now was that she was pretending to be happy instead of a whore. She prayed for Ally, she prayed that every one of Ally's prayers were answered because she deserved that. She prayed for Lauren to be patient with her, because one day, she'd be okay again, and then- maybe then, she could trust her the way she wanted to. But, she closed her eyes tighter when she prayed for herself to be okay. When she prayed to find peace and no longer be afraid. She prayed to not be frightened by a touch, she prayed to not have the nightmares anymore. She prayed to be a warrior, like her tattoo and miss lovato said she was.

When she finished, she looked up from her fists, and met Lauren's gaze across the cafeteria. She noticed the furrow of her eyebrows as she watched her as she slightly trembled the way she always did after getting so worked up in her prayers, and read the words Lauren mouthed to her, "Are you okay?"

Camila slowly nodded, unconvincingly, and Lauren sat still for a moment, deep in thought. She looked over at Normani, and Normani looked towards Camila giving her a warm smile. Camila smiled a small one in return, and averted her attention back to Lauren who stood up and walked over to Camila's table, and apologetically shot a look over to Ally who understood and picked her tray up and made way to sit with Normani.

Lauren sat across from Camila and looked at her without saying a word. Camila appreciated it because she didn't want to get emotional or voice her thoughts. She didn't want Lauren to know that she was still afraid but it seems that Lauren knew anyway because she grabbed onto Camila's hand, and began to trace the word on her wrist, slowly, and tenderly.

"Don't forget this, okay? It's okay to not be okay, but don't let it make you feel weak. I'll be strong for you if you need me to be, just tell me you want me to and I will. Okay?" She said in a voice that was only meant to be heard by Camila's ears.

"Okay." She croaked out, deciding that the best distraction in this moment was counting the many different shades of green that were in Lauren's eyes.

A/N: So sorry that i've been so lazy, i had a minor case of writer's block and was too busy throwing up feels over the fanfics i've been reading LOL SORRY