Habit

Chapter 20

Lauren sat in her bedroom with Camila lying on the bed. The two girls had walked home together after school because Lauren didn't want Camila walking home alone after her hard day at school. Lauren could tell there was something going on in that head of Camila's, something keeping her blockaded from really communicating with Lauren. Lauren told her she'd walk her home just in case something happened, but Camila just said she'd rather go to Lauren's if that was okay. Lauren smiled in disbelief. Of course it was okay.

So, here they were, Lauren sitting in a chair next to her bed with her Calculus book in her lap doing some practice problems for homework with Camila spread out on her glossy purple duvet doing history. Lauren looked up for a few seconds to see Camila twirling a strand of hair around her index finger, occasionally stopping in moments of thought. Her legs were swinging high in the air and her socks had a couple of holes in them, one exposing Camila's pinky toe completely. That made Lauren smile. Most things about Camila made her smile.

Camila looked up and saw Lauren, and of course Lauren tried to hide her face in shame of staring. Camila laughed one of those loud, ridiculous laughs of hers when she saw Lauren do this and said, "You know, they say staring is rude, but I think the right kind of staring is actually one of the most flattering things." Lauren looked back up to Camila's eyes with a smile still on her face and processed the words. Camila smiled an encouraging smile and winked once before returning her sight slowly back to the history book below her.

Lauren bit her lip, trying to decide if the plan in her mind was a good one. Eventually choosing to be spontaneous, loud, and hopefully not too ridiculous, Lauren removed herself from the chair she sat in and took a place on the bed in front of Camila. Camila didn't look up, only smiled down at her history book. Lauren cleared her throat, trying to get the girl's attention completely, but something about the way Camila refused to look up or respond in any way, shape or form told Lauren the girl was teasing her. Oh no, Lauren thought. This will not do.

Laughing, Lauren pulled the history book from underneath Camila slowly, placing it on the floor with a soft thud. Camila's smile got wider, and Lauren knew she was doing something right. Lauren chose to be bold, then-she climbed over onto Camila's back, placing one knee on either side of the girl. Camila shook with a little bit of laughter beneath her. "Lauren," she giggled, "what're you doing?" Lauren only scooped up Camila's hair with both hands, placing all of it collectively over the girl's right shoulder. She then took her firm hands and rubbed Camila's lower back as softly, yet as intensely as she could. Camila moaned a quiet sound, and Lauren smiled at the sound. "Oh." Camila whispered this, and Lauren took this opportunity to make her first big move with the girl-the first real move that counted. Lauren lowered herself down so her stomach lie against Camila's back, and she placed a small kiss on the back of the girl's neck. She moved to the left, placing another kiss on the side of Camila's cheekbone, then another closer to the girl's mouth. Finally Camila got the clue and turned her head enough for Lauren to reach one lip-hugging kiss right smack dab in the middle of Camila's mouth. Lauren smiled into the kiss, and Camila brought a hand up to the side of Lauren's cheek. Lauren pulled back and smiled into the eye contact the girls held, and Camila looked down, blushing a little.

Lauren climbed from Camila's back and sat Indian-positioned next to the girl, facing her. "You had a bad day today." This was all she said, but she knew it was enough for Camila. The girl looked up, her demeanor changed. She wasn't upset, which was good, but she also wasn't perky, flirty like before. She had a sullen expression on her face and a soullessness in her eyes that haunted the Camila Lauren was falling in love with.

Camila huffed once to herself and repositioned so she was leaning on her right side, facing Lauren back. She looked down at the wavy print on the bedspread and traced it with a finger, trying not to focus on Lauren's eyes when she said this. "I just feel like I'm forced to be this happy, relieved person. I don't want to be sad, of course, but I'm scared to be 'okay,' if that makes sense." She snuck a quick glance up at Lauren and found the girl staring at her. She down-casted her eyes back to the bedspread, but felt Lauren's hand creep around and onto the hand that was tracing it. She watched as Lauren's fingers found their way easily into the gaps between her own and thought to herself how perfectly they fit there, how normal they felt intertwined.

"Keep going," Lauren whispered. She tightened her grip on Camila's hand, and Camila took another deep breath.

"I'm just scared I'll disappoint you when I'm not happy. Or as happy. And I'm scared I'll disappoint myself when the people I'm deciding to trust don't turn out to be as trustworthy as my hopefulness makes them out to be." Camila didn't risk looking up to face the other girl, but Lauren caught onto her words before she could say another word.

"Am I one of those people? Are you scared to trust me, Camz?" There was a softness in her voice, a fragility that broke Camila's heart a little. There was almost a disappointed fracture in there, something Camila couldn't exactly pinpoint, but it was enough to tell Camila that Lauren was being raw, emotional, and that there were feelings involved in this that Camila could indeed trust. But she had to be honest with Lauren.

"Yes." Camila whispered it quietly. She looked up and Lauren had that look on her face-the one where her eyes were all watery blue instead of their normal green, where her eyebrow was furrowed upwards with a kind of grieving acceptance, the look where she was begging Camila to change her mind. "But I do trust you, I trust you so much more than you know. And that scares the hell out of me." Camila let a shaky breath escape her lips and felt a little tear fall down her cheek and saw it hit the purple bedspread below her. She felt Lauren's fingers graze the wet area under eye, felt her wipe away those remaining trails of water, and when her skin was no longer wet, Lauren's fingers lingered there. Camila looked up and Lauren smiled a half-smile, bent down and kissed her on the nose lightly.

"I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anyone-not even Mani. This should help make you trust me."

A/N-Sorry but really not sorry for the cliff hanger. Guess my little harmonizers will have to shake it off like an etch a sketch and move on. Guys I really do love the support for this fic and I'm really really REALLY excited for where it's going. I love y'all.