Habit

Chapter 21

"Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward."

Camila's POV:

I waited patiently as a shuddering breath escaped her lips; she began to fidget with her fingers and looked lost in her thoughts. I lowered my head to the level of her eyes and tried to read her to try to understand. She met my gaze and stuttered an apology. I smiled sympathetically and took ahold of her hand and gave it a squeeze.

"I used to have an alcoholic problem. A really really bad one, but I don't even think it was an addiction, because I knew that it was detrimental but I continued it because I wanted it to hurt me, does that make sense?"

My eyebrows furrowed her and i hoped she didn't think I was judging her, so I encouraged the conversation, ''But, why?''

"I drank because I wanted to get the thoughts out of my mind, the idea of being gay scared the living hell out of me, I feared rejection, I feared getting bullied, and I feared falling for someone completely out of reach. I drank to forget you, but some of those times I drank to be able to see you for beyond who you presented yourself to be. The night you came to my house, I wasn't entirely sober but I was good at hiding it because I had done it so many times before for my parents or Normani. I drank because I felt guilty for falling for someone who I thought gave herself to just anyone, I felt disgusted with myself because I thought I only craved you in the same lustful way that all those other guys did but one day, I realized that what really attracted me to you was that you were just as messed up as I was, in different ways, but still broken nonetheless. I still held a grudge over you though, because although I knew I was different, I never had an interest that proved that I was in fact, gay, then I started seeing you in the halls, you were still normal then, and I thought you were beautiful. I saw it as an innocent girl crush though, it was until you changed that everything became a little more real. Your change relieved me at first, because it would give me a reason to find you disgusting but it did the opposite, it made me want you even more and that angered me. So I drank. I drank until I was numb and couldn't think straight- couldn't think of you. But I convinced everyone around me that I hated you for being the way you were and a part of me did, but that part was never stronger than the part that wanted you."

I was beyond confused at this point, and didn't know what to respond because I was still stuck on the part of her confession where she admitted to having liked me ever since two years ago. It was strange to even think of Lauren liking me in this very moment, and I had told myself it was only because I was normal now, but this took me by total surprise. My thoughts were interrupted when I felt a tear fall onto my fingers, and I looked back up at her to see her studying my fingers while playing with them, and I noticed then, that her walls were tearing down.

In that moment, I didn't know anything more beautiful than Lauren Jauregui's fragile side. I saw as the tears in her eyes glossed the green and made them look brighter. I noticed then, that Lauren hadn't worn make up today. And her hair was messy due to the flower crown she had worn all day. I used the hand that wasn't occupying her attention and brought it to her face and connected the dots of freckles that rested on the bridge of her nose with my fingers. She closed her eyes, and let me do as I wanted as the tears continued to fall. I flipped her hair to the side she always preferred it to be from the times I had seen her tousle it, to get it out of her face. She loved to play with her hair; I knew that much about the almost stranger who sat in front of me. I studied her face. I had never been this close to her before, the only times I had was that night in her bedroom and I hardly even looked at her, and that other time in my room when she kissed me, but the moment was too fast-too rushed. I didn't know what to say to her, because although I should be comforting, tell her I understood, it only made it all the more confusing. Why couldn't we have saved each other then, when there was still time? But maybe that moment wasn't for then, it was for right now, and as our walls begged to crash before us, it was finally time to save each other. Maybe we had to learn a lesson first.