Reylo - Save me (fanfic)

Part 9- "We could be so much better."

KYLO REN:

If I had the opportunity, the choice, to freeze myself in time, in this moment, for the rest of my life; I would immediately without doubt.

I'd began to discover that Rey is definitely nothing of who I'd imagined she would be, to my incredulity.
I was wrong to think she'd be able to understand me and could see past everything I've caused.
I was wrong to think we were alike.
Above all, I was more than wrong to have expected her to feel the same about me, as I do her, after all she has seen.
Shes already witnessed me at my worst. Every part of me has already uncovered itself in front of her very eyes, I can't fool her.
She was too independent, too strong, to put everything that has happened aside for something that, no matter how much I felt it for her; didn't feel right at all.

Yet here we both are, together, and she hasn't moved away just yet.

"What's wrong?" Her sweet voice whispers to me. I would play it on repeat all day if I could.
"Nothing." I whisper back.
Why haven't you left yet?
You're motives have been perfectly clear from the start.
You don't want to help me, you're merely doing this for my father.
The man I killed.
The man I watched die.
"I may just be an incredible fool but, you say you don't like me, yet here we are." I say, thinking out loud. I wait for a response but she doesn't give me any. Instead I go on, waiting for a reaction.
"If you really thought I was a monster, you'd be running from me. It's human instinct, I should know."
Still, nothing.
I feel as if Im talking to the darkness surrounding us.
"Rey if you're ignoring me-"
I stop myself, feeling embarrassed.
If she was, I wouldn't blame her.
If I've spent the majority of my life ignoring myself, am I really one to question why someone else might?

I decide to stay silent, suddenly at ease by the calming flow of Reys breathing. If there was anyone who could make me second guess all I've ever know; it was her.
Suddenly it dawns on me that she has fallen asleep.
"Idiot." I curse to myself, keeping my voice down in case I woke her up.

Im almost envious of her.
She sleeps without a simple care in the world. She doesn't experience the excruciating nightmares, she doesn't see his face every time she closes his eyes.
She is free.
No, she isn't a monster like I am.

-----------------
"I am being torn apart." I say, my eyes burning into those of my fathers.
"I want to be free of this pain." I demand, making sure I don't let my emotions overpower me, especially not in front of my father.
I'm merely humiliated at the sight of my own weakness.
"I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it."
I force myself to stay focus, careful on remembering my intention.
What I must do in order of achieving everything I've fought for. Everything Snoke has built me up for.
"Will you help me?"
"Yes." My father replies with no hesitation, causing me to feel pure pain and nothing less.
Remember why you're here, I tell myself.

I turn on my lightsaber.

--------------------

REYS POV:

I'm woken up suddenly, just as Ben starts shaking, his head clasped tightly between his two hands.
"Ben?" I plead, grabbing his face carefully so his eyes lock with mine.
"I'm s-sorry." Ben mutters, his whole body still shaking violently.
"It was a nightmare, I always have them." He mutters, carefully moving a stand of hair from my face as if any sudden movements could break me in half.
"What are they about? Ben you're shaking-"
"It was nothing." He cuts off, giving me a forced smile.
I shake my head; "No it was something." I insist, desperately trying to calm him down.
Ben didn't respond, but rather turned his head in dismissal.
Use the force. A voice whispered.
It was wrong to do but at the moment everything I was doing was wrong.
Undeniably, I had been going about everything in the complete wrong way.
I have no choice.
"Stop doing that." Ben insists, immediately aware of what I was trying to do. He moves away from me so quickly, I almost lose contact.
"You dreamt about your father." I say, carefully exploring the depths of his thoughts for more detail.
Everything was dark and black.
How could he live like this?
"Get out of my head Rey, we made a deal-"
"No." I cut him off, breaking contact.
"The deal was that I wouldn't make you do things for me and you wouldn't read my mind. You never said-"
"Well I'm saying now." He says quietly, almost as if he was pleading with me.
"Ok." I say, rolling my eyes.
"Don't go-" Ben says softly.
"I have to get back to my own room." I say, flatly.
"Please Rey, I want you to stay."
So do I, I want to say.
More than I should.
"I'm just not really sure whether I can stay, Ben." I blurt out.
Falling in love with Kylo Ren was never apart of the plan.
I need to be more careful.
"It doesn't matter. No one is watching." He insists.
I cringe.
"Your mother is. She has been this whole time." I admit.
Silence.
"I don't care."
"What?"
"Please I'm not- I don't care." Ben says finally, motioning for me to sit back beside him. I turn away.
So many things are stopping me from walking towards him.
Han Solos death, Chewie, the lives of all the innocent people he helped destroy, all the stormtroopers that were brainwashed from birth to serve him, The planets that have been destroyed,
Finn.
However suddenly, none of these things matter to me.
What is going on?
I refuse to forget why I'm here.
I can't let myself get so distracted, this is absurd-
"I love you, Rey." A voice whispers.
I turn around in horror.
"I love you dammit- of course I do. All this time. It's always been this way. That's why I killed my stupid father. I thought I was developing this emotion, this tedious emotion, because of him. I knew it wasn't. I knew it was because of you. I just wanted it to stop-"
"Ben what are you saying?" I finally let out, my voice trembling uncontrollably.
"I'm saying I can't fight it off anymore. I won't. I'm in love with you. It's pathetic and I wish it weren't true but I am." Ben pleads, walking towards me.
I'm left speechless, unable to meet his gaze.
"I know you are too, Rey."
He lifts my chin up, so my face is only millimetres away from his.
"It doesn't have to be this way. We could be so much better." He whispers, his eyes exploring my face, my lips, everything.

I pull him into me, for the second time.

This time forgetting the cameras.
Forgetting who he once was.
Forgetting everything I believed in.
It shouldn't be this way, I know that.
It seems like we both know this and we both wish it could be different, but we can't change it.
I can't change it.

I take out my gun,
quickly shoot each of the hidden cameras in the room,
wait for the lenses to shatter to the ground,
And I kiss him.

Okay I have bad writers block I hope this chapter isn't too disappointing lol. If I see any mistakes I'll go over it I just don't want to be annoying and leave you guys on a cliff hanger.

Update: Also I'd really love it if some of you guys voted for me//left comments as it encourages me to keep writing((: