My sweet nerd | Iljae

We're late for school

                        (earlier that day after Iljae) 

"I am sorry yongguk. But i don't think it's gonna work out" i said and i could see the life leaving yongguk's body and i felt miserable. I hated that it wasn't in my nature to be mean or say 'no' for once. "Okay if that's your choice." yongguk said his eyes not meeting mine, he had his head bowed as he was crawling off my bed and then walking away from me. It took is sagging shoulders to trigger a deep guilty feeling inside me. "Yongguk wait." i said and he stopped walking. His head turned around to face me and i sat there debating to myself, arguing with myself, fighting myself, begging me not to even say it. "I-i really do think it's not gonna work out. I-i mean i've never done any of this with a guy. and the way you're doing this it's too much, you're going to fast and you frighten me!" I say.

Yongguk's gaze turned to pity as he looked at me and somehow i can tell he was sorry. "If we had met in different conditions, where you don't sexualy attack me and just confess to me instead, would i have fallen for you? i don't know.but i don't think i would. (sigh) ugh i'm going crazy....i guess what i'm trying to say is it doesn't hurt to give it a try...." i quickly look down at my lap not wanting our gaze to meet, not wanting him see my nervous and embarrassed face, not wanting to see his reaction at all. Scared and afraid that he would laugh and mock me claiming that he wasn't serious about me i the first place. 

i am too confused with myself, I tell myself that i like women and that yongguk is just playing with me. But i give him a chance anyway. I fear when he touches me sexualy, but i blush and get excited when he looks at me, I'm just a mess. i don't know what i want. Sometimes i feel that it's wrong to have sexual activities when you don't know whether you like that person or not. or even when there's no love at all. 

I finally look up from my lap and i see yongguk in front of me smiling sweetly. Like if the wildness he had inside him left and he became a peaceful man. Like if he understands what i feel and he's gonna make me feel better and decide what i really want. He gives me a gentle hug and i don't know if i should accept it. Is it giving a signal that we are official? Does it mean that i need him? will he misunderstand? Well either way  signal or not i accept his hug and let his warmth embrace me. I hear a soft "Thank you." On my ear as i feel his head on corner of neck, and his warm breathing on my shoulder. then i start to relax the fears slowly leaving. for some reason i feel like he has a big smile. His snuggly hug felt so comfortable i didn't even notice that i was drifting off to sleep on his shoulder until i felt a soft and tickly nibble on my neck causing me to  lightly moan and push yongguk so hard he landed on the floor, breaking the hug between us.

"hehehe sorry couldn't help it, you're just too adorable." he said as his excuse. I pointed my index finger right at him. "Not so fast wild lion, we start as friends only."

"Wah? why?"

"You're too fast damn it! Take it or leave it ."

"I'll take it." He says quickly." But i'll be hard to resist you~." He said and i felt my cheeks heat once again. "Oh must suck for you~" I mimic a child's voice. Then i turn to face him and go merong~ and turn back. 

Yongguk being an impatient person i suspect  he'll get irritated that we start as friends but when i turn to look back him he was smiling like a hyena. He was so excited by himself it really surprised me to see this side of Yongguk. Bang yongguk the most strongest and fearless guys of our school. His gummy hyena smile was so funny it actually made me chuckle a little. Yongguk was so happy he jumped me, Pushing me even more on the bed, and laying on top of me. And almost immediately one of my fears rises and i was worried yongguk might want to force me to have sex with him again. Panic was spreading and i wanted to free myself but then yongguk laid besides me. "Don't worry i ain't gonna do anything. Didn't you just say  we we're starting as friends? why are you thinking those pervy thoughts my pervy honey~"  He winked at me and i calmed down, The panic decreasing. "I want to lay next to you forever." He suddenly said his voice lower and calmer and i started to silently blush my curious eyes trying to meet his as i turn back nervously but when i faced him the only thing i met was his peaceful, sound asleep looking form. I got envious. How can he sleep like that when my heart is beating because of him! doesn't his heart hurt too? isn't he nervous? to just sleep?