Fix me

Chapter 19

Song on the side...............................................................................................

Chapter 19

            I left a note so they wouldn’t worry. It was really all I could do. I left it on my desk, knowing that they would find it. I couldn’t help but feel guilty about what I was doing, but Hunter’s voice kept ringing in my head, coming back to me from that night under the stars.

            “Can you just try? Try to act like nothing is wrong. Act like I’m not a basket case and you weren’t raped.”

            This was me trying.

            He was right. I wanted to act normal. And staying here was not going to help me feel that way. As long as I was here, the events could just keep coming back to me. The only thing I would be feeling here was sorrow and guilt.

            I kept pacing my room, watching the clock as it seemed to move backwards. Hunter had said six o’clock. He offered to pick me up, but I had refused. Even if he did park a block away so that my parents wouldn’t see his car, I could use a walk to clear my head. Maybe I would be able to wrap my head around what was happening. Maybe I would be able to finally realize that my mom was back and she might be here to stay this time.

            I changed my clothes about five times. At first, I thought I should wear a nice summer dress, something to impress them with. Then I felt awkward because I had not worn a dress in such a long time and it looked idiotic on me. I thought I should just wear a long shirt and leggings, but I couldn’t find anything that matched right and I was getting frustrated. I finally settled on nice jeans and a purple, lone sleeved shirt, plain and simple.

            I couldn’t decide whether to put my hair up or down. Should I wear makeup? What about shoes? Jewelry? Was I trying to hard?

            By the time five rolled around, I was wearing my black converse shoes, a simple heart necklace Vanessa had given to me for my birthday last year, some lip gloss, and my hair in a messy bun, loose curls falling in my face.

            My parents had not checked on me or called for me since what had happened in the den. We had not eaten lunch together and I had been too nervous to go down and get something from the kitchen. I figured I was too nauseous to eat any way.

            I tied old sheets together, making a make- shift rope. I tugged on it repeatedly, hoping it would hold. I tied it to my bed post as tight as I could and, not allowing myself to hesitate, I began to climb.

            Doubts kept creeping into my mind on the way down as I tried to avoid looking at the ground beneath me. What if I got caught? What if my parents came to Hunter’s house and demand that I come home? I had not mentioned where I had gone. I had just simply written, Went out with a friend for a while. Needed to get away. Be back soon. Violet. But still, I feared.  I did not have many friends and my dad could easily cut down the options of where I had gone.

            When my feet touched the grass just next to the main street, I knew there was not going back. So I began to walk, pushing fears from my mind.

Whenever I let my mind wander, I kept going back to my mother’s face when I had first seen her this afternoon. I couldn’t imagine where she had been the past eleven months. I remembered the first week she had left, and my dad had been frantic, looking for her everywhere. He called her parents, her younger sister, her friends. No one had known where she could have gone. It was like the earth had swallowed her whole and there was nothing really else to it.