Snails Don't Really Explode, Don't Worry

#15 ~~ December 19, 2015 ~~ And Love Said No, HIM

I find that I'm trying to be a better person everyday. I have in acquaintance from Pennsylvania in fact, and she said on her Snapchat that she had a really shitty week so I felt to reach out, so I messaged her on Twitter so that she wouldn't get the "Denae is typing" notification while I was still pondering how to word what I was going to say. Upon doing so, I found that my heart started to beat more quickly. I'm unsure if that's due to my nervousness I get around girls or the stress I feel when attempting to be nice--because those are the two things I feel I struggle with the most socially--girls and being nice. My PA acquaintance happens to be a chick--with really cool hair, I might add. Upon realizing this, I was reminded of the last time I tried to be nice to someone who struggling in college. I've known her for nearly 4 years now and decided to draw a picture for her to give her encouragement. When I was about to send it to her I felt the same thing where my heart started to beat faster.

I honestly cannot tell if the way I feel around girls, or if it legitimately is due to the fact that I suck at trying to be nice. In that case, I have also come to realize that I have actually never done anything nice for anyone. Maybe this adds to my uniqueness as a person. And it doesn't particularly make me a bad person for not doing anything nice. I didn't do anything wrong technically. But doing nice things for people gives me the same feeling I do when being in a crowd of people. Anxiety. But I'm still fighting it all. That's how I roll. I find myself in a constant battle with my own mind as opposed to being in conflict with others.

Speaking of my PA friend, she and I were discussing getting my hair short and I so wanna get it cut. It is such a hassle and all, this long hair. And a lot of cool looking people, like her for example, have hair cut the way I want mine cut--short, close to my head, except for a longer part on the side of my face to keep the same fringe I've got going on. It's also be easier to manage if I decide to join next year. I'll probably do that when it's warmer outside though. It's nearly winter now and it's pretty cold.

Speaking of which, I found out yesterday that I got accepted into the college I wanna go to, so that's freaking rad, and also a huge relief, haha. The college is in Arizona so it's gonna be super hot, and I'll definitely wanna do something about my hair, lol.

"'Kill me,' I begged and love said no. 'Leave me for dead and let me go. . .'"