Snails Don't Really Explode, Don't Worry

#10 ~~ November 8, 2015 ~~ Honeybee, Steam Powered Giraffe

I'm home alone right now as I type this. My birthday took place 3 days ago and I'm 18 now. It's always been said how great of a landmark it was to turn 18. Puberty is over for me and I'm an adult now. I celebrated it yesterday, I guess.

Oh dear it seems I've gotten distracted by bright green pistachio in my bag of pistachios across the room.

Back to what I was saying. Um. Oh yeah. My parents and sister and I ate at Olive Garden and I got some Assassin's Creed related things. The game Syndicate and a hoodie jacket. I also got a really funny movie that my mom ordered in the wrong language that we can't watch.

Right now my parents are going to watch Crimson Peak without me. I mean I chose not to go. I don't really enjoy hanging out with them as much as I would like to, because they're more worried about my future than the time we're having together at the moment. My sister is hanging out with that friend of ours we made--the one who told me about this Wattpad thing that I'm posting this on, and the guy whose stories I'm editing. I mean, I say friend, but he obviously doesn't like me. It's not that I don't like him, he just gets on my nerves a little. He's a nice guy though. I just have little patience for people who don't get what I say the second or third time. And that's not his fault, but it's not my fault I don't have the patience. So our friendship wasn't meant to be I suppose, nevermind the fact that I've stopped editing his stories. I've lost the motivation to. I don't think I'll ever become an editor unless it involves programming.

My sister is hanging out with this guy who turned 18 10 days ago for his birthday. He didn't invite me and my sister told me it's because he doesn't like me. I mean whatever. My mom came back and told me about his parents and how many people would be at the party since they were celebrating his dad's birthday, too.

On top of that, my friends here don't Skype me as much anymore since that blonde loser kicked me out of his house on Halloween. Yeah, I'm still salty. So my friends are Skyping him in a separate group cal and won't join the one I'm in because they're playing video games together. That kid my sister is hanging out with right now is in our call, too, but now I feel like it doesn't really mean anything that I've added him to it since I know he doesn't like me.

Also my friend I have feelings for in Florida has started ignoring me. I must have gotten annoying to him. I don't think he feels the same way about me anymore. I'm afraid to ask him about it a second time. The first time I asked he told me, "Yeah, I still like you. You need to stop worrying about things." I don't think he'd answer the same way again. If I ask him it'll just annoy him more. He gets annoyed when I'm sad or worrying, because he doesn't think I should be hurting myself by being upset, especially if it involves him. I wonder if that's just him refusing to feel bad for me. It would explain why he's been ignoring me. I think I mentioned the other day that I had these nightmares that were weirding me out. I wanted to talk to him about it and he just told me to not worry about it.

I think that me worrying comes from me not being able to find much else to do around here. My brain has to be occupied by something so it leads me into overthinking, and then to worrying. I think my friend in Florida had expected me to be able to overcome these worries, or to have little to none of them, and the more I expressed myself to him the more I was turned off. In that case I suppose it would be better to just give up on him if he can't accept who I am. Actually that's why I'm writing this here. I felt I would have a better time giving up on more than a friendship if I had written it down and published it somewhere. We used to talk so often and I always enjoyed his company and appreciated everything he'd do to try to make me feel better. I just became a burden in the end, and he's so busy with his college life. Perhaps when I get into college I will actually be busy with some sort of life.

I actually have been having dreams with interesting characters--characters vivid enough that I've been drawing them from memory. The one I had a couple nights ago,

I met this kid with a bright blue shirt and a white lab coat. He was sitting on the side of a river, sitting on the pavement above. I went over to him and put my hand on his opposite shoulder and patted it. His expression remained insecure and slightly irritated. This guy was super lonely, with no friends. He was really smart, but had a hard time being around people and was always seen as arrogant. I had already had this memory when I met him here in this dream, like I'd seen him around previously. He said something like, "Yeah, but it's easy enough for you with your boyfriend in Florida." And I said, "Hey man, he's not my boyfriend. We're not even dating."He mumbled to himself, "It's like you're marrying me already." I said, "What?" and he looked up, his eyelids were slightly puffy, but not enough to notice unless you were sitting right next to him. I patted his shoulder again and looked into the river and he put his head in his hands. The giant ship in the harbor nearby rocked slightly in just in the corner of my vision.

There's more to that dream, but this was the only part of it that was significant to me. It was what I was thinking when I was looking in the river. This kid in Florida is smart and funny and super good looking. . .but he's not mine. We're not together. I don't get what the lab coat kid was talking about when he mumbled to himself, but it made me think, "There's some guy in a bright blue shirt and a white lab coat, who has a lot in common with me: lack of friends, insecure, pretty smart, has a hard time around people, and is seen as arrogant. At the same time he was pretty cute and didn't have a problem with me being around--he at least didn't ignore me. There's some guy like this out there who is waiting for me to be his friend, meanwhile there's some nerdy half-Filipino chick who's really into computers and science and mathematics and art and music who has all these things in common with him and is just waiting to be friends with him, waiting to share with him the things I enjoy to make him feel better, and may even be just as lonely--and that friendship with this guy is so much more important than me worrying about a relationship that will probably never be." And I thought all this the moment I woke up from that dream as well.

If you've been following my entries for this journal, you've noticed I attach a song to each of them. Every time I do that, it's because the song is stuck in my head. This time it's different and this song is quite relatable to me. Who is the Honeybee? Well, the Robot fell in love with the Honeybee--this odd, seemingly crazy Robot became attached. Without the Honeybee, the Robot would have never come to life. The Honeybee was the Turpentine fueling his heart. Before that the Robot was simply a cold copper automaton. The Honeybee didn't have to give the Robot those small moments of attention, but it did. The Honeybee had to leave though, and the Robot wishes for the Turpentine to cease fueling it if it was to live forever alone. The Honeybee is fleeting, yet sparked the flames within the Robot, beginning the Robot's life, looking for anything to make the Turpentine, the Honeybee, worth the copper it was breathing, or breathed, life into.

"Oh, Turpentine erase me whole, 'cause I don't want to live my life alone. Well, I was waiting for you all my life. Oh. . .Why. . .Set me free, my Honeybee. . ."