eternal darkness of the mind

Save Me

Dan's POV

He's never going to come back I whisper through my tears, my pillow now soaked from crying. The light of passing cars shine through my window every few seconds, illuminating my face slightly. And I'm curled in a ball covered in the sheets.
He's not going to come back. I know it, it's his way of saying goodbye, not actually saying it, just leaving without a final farewell. I'm not worth it anyway. I'm not worth anyone's time.

So I cry again. And I can't stop. Pausing to take deep breaths but still crying into my pillow, my arm aching from the cuts as I hold my sheets tightly around me, soft sobs escaping. And then it's silent. I catch my breath. 

I left the tap running. shit. Another thing to worry about, the water bill. It's already going to get worse, what use is it to try to make things better.

But I catch my breath again and it's silent. No noise. The tap isn't running. My door creaks open and I close my eyes. Someone is in my house. I'm going to die, right here, right now and I never said goodbye to him. I hear the person get closer. This is it. I open my eyes but instead of them meeting a psycho killer, I see Phil. He came to see me after all. But he's crying too. His face is wet with tears. He saw the blood. no.

He lies next to me and wraps his arms around me but he makes the mistake of grabbing my arm. The arm with the bandage and I start crying again, not stopping as I feel the cuts reopen.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry" I hear Phil whisper over and over, looking scared and worried, trying to get me to move so he could see my arm. But I move it away. It had been because of him. I knew he wouldn't ever want to hurt me, but it was too much.

I walk out of the room, Phil following me a few seconds later. I need to see how bad my arm is. It's hurting so fucking much.

Well at least the bleeding isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I thought cleaning the blood up and applying new bandages. In my mirror I see Phil staring at me, with tears in his eyes, his vision surely blurred, taking a look away and then looking back at me and now there isn't the look of worry on his face but the look of regret. Like he was blaming himself. It really wasn't, I'm just not strong enough.

And he says something but I only got the last few words, "- too beautiful for this. Why?" But before I could answer there was a thud. Phil had fallen to the floor and his body was limp, almost dead like. Unresponsive. And I was alone again, even with Phil next to me, he wasn't here. He wasn't with me. I lifted him back to my room and lay him on my bed. I lay my head on his chest like I did that past weekend, probably one of the best weekends of my life. He would wake up soon right ?

But he didn't for quite some time. Phil slept through the whole next day while I just stayed by his side making sure that he was ok, writing in my journal.

Dear whatever,
There's less than 8 days left. I have a countdown on my phone. I check it every half an hour but because I have nothing to do it seems like I check it every ten seconds. Phil? he's here in my arms. He's with me. I thought he was avoiding me but he actually cared. He wanted me to be ok, he loves me that much that he actually was scared for me. I don't think that's ever happened to me before. It makes me love him even more. But I shouldn't be loving him if he has to go.

I don't bother writing a conclusion. Conclusions mean an end and I never want anything to end, especially anything to do with Phil. I rip it out and throw it to the floor, it's not important anyway.

when he eventually wakes up, it's Saturday, in the early hours of the morning and I had been asleep and missed it.

I woke up that morning to Phil stroking my hair, awake and okay. He wasn't dead. He was warm and alive. Conscious and living. And he was here. He was actually here, and although my arm still hurt, I hugged him the strongest I could.

Phil is my anchor. He keeps me grounded. He keeps me from floating away like a balloon at an amusement park. But my alarm went off. It was just past 11 am. Time for me to live.

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Phil's POV

Oh my god. I've grabbed his arm. I - I didn't realize.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry" I can't stop apologizing. It's a mess. Dan's crying again, worse than before, blood is seeping through the bandage staining the bad but also my hand. I am still holding his arm. I'm so sorry. Dan pulls his arm away and rushes out the room, into the light-less of the hallway lights.
I follow him out of curiosity but mostly concern, he doesn't deserve any of this. He's perfect, he's beautiful. He's worth everything.

He's in the bathroom again. I nudge the door open, not wanting to get into his personal space, I look in from the door frame, and I see his red blotches face look down at his arm, covered in blood, but he doesn't look as surprised at the situation. It's almost as its second nature, like its normal, like he's gone through this all before. He cleans the cuts and puts clean bandages but I look back up to his face and all I can think of is the boy I knew as a kid. As the teenager that I fell in love with for the first time all those years ago. Not as this, not as the boy who is so hurt that this ends up happening. It shouldn't happen to anyone, especially Dan.

"I love you so much why are doing this to yourself. You're too amazing, too beautiful. Why?" I quietly say but as I trail off the last of the sentence, I see Dan holding one of the razors, putting them back in their neat order in his little box. After that everything went black.

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{next day}

It's dark outside and it's pretty cold. I have woken up back in Dan's bed but with no recollection of how I got here. Dan must've brought me here. I hate this part of the year. The transition between Autumn and winter. Those awful few weeks in October and November. I wrap myself in a blanket and put my hand in Dan's. He's lying on a book. Dan is always reading his books. I pick it up. It's leather bound. A notebook. And on the first page, all that is printed is: Dan Howell - Proof I Am Alive. It's a journal.

Not wanting to invade his privacy, I don't read his entries but I open it to the second last page. A page nobody would think of checking. And I write him something. A note like thing. Just a little thing to make him remember me. I close it back up and put it on his bedside table. Looking down at Dan again, I fall back asleep.

That morning I woke up again, this time at 10:54 in the morning, Dan still fast asleep, head resting on my chest, I bring my hand up to stroke his hair. Soft and Fluffy. I play with his hair until he wakes up, and he smiles, not crying anymore, looking happy that i am actually here in person. And without a warning he hugs me. Not a "hey how are you" hug but a "please don't leave me" kind of hug. A hug that uses no words but says everything you want to say. And I hug back, feeling his hair brush against my neck, my chin resting on his shoulder.

Dan's alarm went off a minute later indicating the date and time. It was a Saturday. I was out for a day!? And I missed my last day of work!?! Oh no, It's 11:03 am. Not long left but that's okay, at least well be together.

6 days, 12 hours, 57 minutes
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A/N: just a little update on a school day because this story is quite a long one and I would like it to be finished sooner so I can start on a new story!!
I don't actually have much to say so
Stay hydrated, stay safe and stay alive for me
xx Bella