Rain [h.s]

thirteen

January 27th-

      It's been nearly a month since Eve kissed me on New Years Eve. Neither of us has mentioned it and things have gone on pretty much the same except that we text all the time and now we have a notebook that we use to talk in school. Well, the notebook is mainly for me because she actually speaks, but she doesn't seem to mind.

I've been thinking about that kiss since it happened. I wonder if Eve has too. She's started to look at me a little differently now and it's hard to explain on these thin pages, but it's like she wants to talk about that kiss-kisses really- but she won't for some reason.

She stares at my mouth a lot now and blushes like mad when I notice. But really, I haven't been noticing because I've been too busy staring at her lips myself. She's so beautiful and honestly I don't think that she knows it.

Her dark eyes are captivating in their own special way and I find that I often stare into them making her blush an almost red colour until I look away. I like that about her, she doesn't look away first like most girls would and she doesn't seem to care that I see her blushing. She's confident and so very beautiful.

I lied earlier when I said neither of us had brought up our kiss-kisses. Eve brought it up during lunch today. We were sitting at our usual table, where everyone pretended that we didn't exist, and eating our lunch in silence which wasn't weird because she's learned that I'm still in the habit of not talking much.

I actually feel bad about that because I talked to her so much the night her mother was in that accident and the night after, Christmas Eve, and once again I'm as silent as before and only giving her the occasional short answer.

I've been working on it though, or at least I've been trying to. She's gotten better though, her mom I mean. Eve has too but I can see the underlying worry that she holds even though she thinks that I can't.

Anyway, back to lunch. Everything was following the usual routine until she looked up and gave me this look I can't quite describe here but it was one of curiosity mixed with nervousness and a hint of something else that I can't seem to place.

Of course I looked back but I knew she was going to say something; the only mystery was what exactly she was going to say. She hesitated and chewed on both her words and her bottom lip before finally asking, "Why did you kiss me back?"

Someone that had been walking by stopped upon hearing her and gave her a strange look before deciding that it was nothing and walking away and I just looked at her for a moment longer. The way her hair fell about her shoulders and how she hadn't worn any makeup - I love it when she doesn't wear any makeup- and the way her dark eyes searched mine for answers that she didn't seem to have.

Rather than writing it, I spoke and someone behind me choked on whatever it was that they had been eating or drinking. I asked her a question of my own, "Why did you kiss me?"

She wore this soft smile that did something strange to me, almost like somehow she had managed to stop my breathing but not purposely or enough to physically hurt me. For the first time since I had known her, Eve was actually being extremely shy. Her eyes wouldn't meet mine and her fingers painted with chipping black nail polish picked at the sleeves of her gray sweater.

I was very enamoured with this new side of her despite how much I liked her normally and I actually almost didn't hear her reply.

She had mumbled almost low enough for no one else to hear but herself, "Because I really like you and...and I don't know I wanted to. God I'm sorry I didn't even think about what you-"

I swear, every single person in that cafeteria grew silent the moment I stood, bending over the table to catch her delicate lips mid sentence and remaining there briefly before sitting down again.

I've never heard the cafeteria any quieter or any louder in the four years that I've gone to that school. Suddenly everyone paid attention to us, me specifically and everything was surrounded by a cacophony of sound.

But above it all I heard her even with her hand over her mouth, her fingers dancing along her lips to feel my lingering kiss and hiding her smile, "Why did you do that?"

I surprised myself even more by shrugging and smiling at her. I placed my elbows on the table and rested my head atop my hands to say, "You were rambling."

I wish that I was that confident all the time so that I could kiss her and steal her breath away whenever I wanted to and hold her hand without being so damn nervous and ending up just brushing fingertips.

You know what, I can be that way and I will be that way. I'm going to make myself better for myself and for Eve. I'm tired of being sad all the time and I think I've finally found the key to unleashing my happiness after all this time.

I'm sorry for breaking my promise Arcadia, but it's the only way for me to move on with my life and be happy like you wanted me to be. I won't ever forget you, but this is something that I have to do.

                                                                        H.