chapter sixteen

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chapter sixteen

     IT WAS EXTREMELY AWKWARD to see Julia at school the next day. I still haven't given her a complete answer on whether I can forgive her or not because I'm still not sure. I don't know when I will be.

     May doesn't know what happened yesterday. I tend to tell her everything, for the most part, but I couldn't bring myself to it. I'm both shocked and angry at the same time - how am I supposed to express my feelings when I don't even understand them?

     As I sat in the library, I realized that there are five people in this entire world that know I'm gay. My mom, May Parker, Fernando, Julia, and myself. I never explicitly told Julia I was gay, but I knew that she knew. She knew before I did.

     "Hey, babe." Mason's voice broke away my thoughts as I looked at him. He was smiling and dropped a Taco Bell bag on the table. "I was looking everywhere for you." He pulled out the chair in front of me and sat down. "I bought you lunch."

     "T-thanks." I stuttered before clearing my throat as I took out a cheesy burrito. I didn't know what else to say. I can't tell him, not yet.

     "How was your weekend?" He poured some hot sauce on his taco before taking a huge bite.

     "Good." I shrugged and took a small bite. "I - uh..." I gulped, "I was actually with Julia on Sunday."

     Mason's eyebrows shot straight up as he froze mid-chew. I pressed my lips together as I felt my throat dry out. He simply shook his head and continued to chew.

     "Are you guys cool now?" He asked. I shrugged and looked into my lap.

     "She wants to be friends again, but I'm not sure." I answered honestly. "We had a lot of problems in the past."

     "Yeah." He pouted and stared at me. I became uncomfortable under his gaze so I quickly looked back at my taco. "Tell me about Julia." He said.

     "What?" I furrowed my eyebrows as I felt my heartbeat near the top of my throat.

     "I mean," he swallowed, "what's good and bad about Julia? I'll help you decide."

     "Um," my eyebrows remained glued together, "well, we were best friends from... sixth to early tenth grade."

     "Holy crap." Mason commented. He shook his head and took a bite of his lunch as a way to tell me to continue.

     "Yeah..." I sighed. "But, uh, I guess that's all I can say about that." I shrugged. "There's a lot of good things about your best friend when you have one."

     His eyes were filled with sympathy as he looked at me. I didn't want that look but he constantly gave it to me. I want to be looked at like a normal human, not a sad puppy that begs for happiness.

     "Okay, and the cons?"

     I just simply shrugged. How am I supposed to explain this to him without mentioning my sexual orientation? Why did I bring this up in the first place?

     "Um," I cleared my throat and tried to improvise, "I, uh... I-" pause, "I don't know if I'll be able to trust her again." I answered honestly. Trust is really a huge part of the argument. How am I able to hand her my heart without being afraid that she'll destroy it even harder than the last time?

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